Fic: And Burnt the Topless Towers of Ilium (2/2)
Part One
Kris stared at the frozen image of Adam on the screen. This is what Adam looks like when he's in love. Kris didn't know what Adam's friends were playing at, but it wasn't helping anything. It wasn't going to help anything. Kris knew better than anyone that Adam had meant it when he'd said that a crush was just a crush. Was... harmless and meaningless.
Unless someone was stupid enough to take it seriously.
He gave up on the tv for the moment and went to lie down, curling up on his side on top of the covers, not ready to go to bed but not really wanting to do anything else, either. He'd managed to completely avoid thinking about Katy's confession for the last couple of days, but now that he'd told someone else, it was hard for him to get it off his mind. It was his fault - for being too much of a coward to still be willing to be honest about himself after Adam had turned him down. Instead, he'd taken all that frustration and pain right back into his marriage, freezing out the person that he'd promised his whole self to, once upon a time.
Only a few years ago, but it felt like a lifetime.
His phone rang out in his hip pocket - Adam calling. Kris let out a quick breath, and took the phone into the bathroom, slumping down against the wall. He pressed the FaceTalk option, smiling instinctively as Adam's face took over his screen. "Hey there," Kris said.
Adam wasn't smiling, though. "Hey. Everything okay?"
It only took a second for Kris to realize what must have happened. "Who told?"
Adam hesitated but then caved. "Danielle just called. I'm guessing that you... aren't back at your apartment with Katy."
Kris shrugged. Adam was giving that concerned look of his. The one that meant he wouldn't be leaving the subject alone until Kris stopped being stubborn and just talked to him about it. "I didn't want you to worry," Kris said, honestly enough.
"Too late," Adam said. "I'm going to guess that your birthday with Katy didn't end with 'she tried to make steaks'. You want to talk about it?"
"Not like this," Kris said, and he knew that Adam would- Adam got that it was harder to talk about this stuff on the phone, even when Kris could see the other person. Adam bit at his lower lip, something nervous and thoughtful in his eyes. Kris wished that- "I miss you."
"Yeah," Adam agreed. "But I think that-" He paused for a second, corner of his mouth twisting down. "Danielle said- she wouldn't tell me any details, but she did say that you were-" Adam hesitated, tongue slipping out to wet his lower lip. "-that you maybe were a little hurt I hadn't sent my new demos to you."
"I'm not hurt," Kris said and, okay, yeah, he sounded a little defensive there. He wasn't hurt. He just didn't understand why Adam didn't want him to hear them. "I just- um, you know."
"I really don't," Adam said, but there was someone tapping him on the shoulder and he turned his head away for a minute. "I'll be right there."
"Look, you're busy," Kris said, when Adam turned back to the phone. "We'll talk about this when you get back, okay?"
"I have time now," Adam said, but Kris shook his head.
"We'll have time later. Go - go be a rock star."
"We will talk about this later," Adam promised, before saying good-bye.
Kris slipped his phone back into his pocket, teeth gnawing at his lip. Adam had meant it, he could tell. But Kris had- Kris had managed to keep secret all these years that he hadn't... that he still felt that sharp ache of want whenever he was around Adam. He'd buried it as deeply as he could, done his best to hide even the slightest hints of it, but he had the horrible feeling that if he talked to Adam about the problems he was having with Katy, all of it would come spilling out. How could he explain Katy's affair without talking about the years of bitterness that had been built up between them after he'd gone to her that night Adam had pushed him away? He'd been hard then, too, like he'd been tonight after Ronnie had touched him, and he could still remember the way Katy's nose had wrinkled up in disgust when she'd realized the truth.
She'd slapped him as hard as she could and he'd deserved it.
And after her initial burst of anger had faded, she'd listened to his apologies and she'd promised that they could work through it together. But she'd never- she never looked at him the same way after that. He'd betrayed her - been willing to betray her - and even when she told him that she was going to forgive him, she made it clear that she wouldn't forget. That neither of them could ever forget.
He made her promises, too. Never look at a man with lust again - which he'd royally screwed several times over this weekend - and pray with her that God would give him the strength to overcome his desire to philander. Every night for weeks, he'd called her when they weren't together, and they had prayed, and the humbling words had never gotten any easier to say. It had become less frequent after the Idol tour had ended - after his main temptation had been taken away - and she'd eventually stopped asking him to do it at all. He'd thought that maybe - maybe it had meant that she was starting to trust him again.
But she'd never trusted him. Never believed that he'd put away his hidden urges. All that work and she hadn't believed it for a moment. But she'd been right about that, too, hadn't she? Because the second that he'd truly had temptation in front of him again, his body had betrayed him. Years of prayer and he still wanted all the things he couldn't have. She'd been right about him all along.
He needed... he-
Kris pulled out his phone again and sent out a text.
awake?
Andrew's answer came only a few minutes later.
Sure, bro. What's up?
could you come over? Kris's hand wasn't entirely steady as he punched in the message.
Sure. You back at the apartment?
Kris hesitated for a second.
im at adams. u need directions?
I know where it is. Be there in a few.
It took Andrew about forty-five minutes to get out to Adam's place. By that time, Kris had raided Adam's liquor cabinet, making notes about what he was going to need to replace before Adam came back. Andrew looked like he'd dressed in a hurry, and his hair was sticking up a little on one side.
"Were you about to go to bed?" Kris asked, feeling slightly guilty.
Andrew shrugged his shoulders easily. "I can sleep anywhere." And that was true enough, Kris knew from the last couple of years touring together. "What's the plan, boss?"
"We're going to get drunk," Kris said. "And then we're going to talk about guys."
Andrew was pretty fun to drink with - Kris knew about that, but they'd pretty much always been with the rest of the band before, so this was the first time with just the two of them. It was nice. Andrew was cuddly enough when he was tipsy, and willing to let Kris curl against his side and then pet at Kris's hair. And he was quiet, content to listen to Kris ramble and then offer a soft sentence or two. They were about two bottles into the night when Kris was finally brave enough to start talking about the reason that he'd brought Andrew over in the first place.
"How did you know?" he asked. Andrew's forehead wrinkled a little bit and Kris clarified. "How did you know I liked guys?"
"I have eyes," Andrew said, brushing Kris's hair back. "You check guys out, Kris. You've checked me out."
"Oh," Kris said, thinking back, trying to remember that. Andrew was- he was a friend. And maybe Kris... sure, Kris knew he was the sort of guy that lots of women found attractive, but he didn't- he hadn't thought of him beyond that. Not for more than a second or two at a time, at least. But if it was long enough that Andrew had noticed, it must be long enough to count. Long enough that Katy must have noticed, though she'd never said. "I'm sorry."
"Don't have to apologize," Andrew said. "You're cute. If I didn't already have Maggie, I'd totally be up for it."
"I am sorry," Kris said, insistent. "I promised Katy that I wouldn't- that I wouldn't have lustful thoughts. I didn't mean to break my promise."
"How were- how are you supposed to keep a promise like that?" Andrew asked. "Dude, if my girlfriend tried to make me promise not to look at anybody else ever, I'd have to tell her that... I love her, but that's crazy."
"Even a thought is a betrayal," Kris said, and he sighed a little at the look on Andrew's face. "I know, it sounds hard, but it's- I owed it to her to try. I did try but I- I could never try hard enough. She tried so hard to fix me and it didn't work."
"There's nothing wrong with you," Andrew said, gently.
"I was going to cheat on her," Kris confessed, his tongue clumsy in his mouth. "I almost- it was only because- because the other person said no. That's the only reason I didn't. I promised forever and threw it away. I treated her like trash. I deserved- she had every right to want faithfulness. It's fair. She- she had the right to ask me to only ever think about her." He flushed a little, the shame creeping in as he thought about how he'd been jerking off this weekend without giving her a second thought - deliberately without thinking about her, as if that was a kind of rebellion that she would ever know about.
"It's not a promise you could ever keep," Andrew said. "It's not even... it's not even a choice; it's a reaction. What you do, yeah, that's something she can get pissed about. But thought policing is screwed up shit, bro."
"She just wants to be able to trust me again," Kris said. Then he sighed. "But that didn't work. She never... it didn't work. And I'm still-"
"Yeah?"
"I'm still in love with Adam," Kris said, mouth twisting. "Which is stupid." He looked over at Andrew and poked him in the shoulder. "Why don't you look more surprised?"
Because Andrew looked a little startled but no more than if Kris had said he wanted to break up rehearsal early or something. He should look... 'Kris declaring he hated the Beatles' level of surprised. Or something like that. Not just... mildly taken off his guard.
"You are weird about him," Andrew said. "I mean, let's face it - whose house are we in right now?"
"Don't see what that's got to do with anything," Kris grumbled.
"You walk out on your wife and go hide at Adam's? When he isn't even there?" Okay, and when Andrew put it that way, Kris could possibly see his point. Still. Years of work. Completely down the toilet. It should warrant more than light surprise. One shocked gasp, even, would have made Kris feel better.
"I'm going to bed," Kris said. Announced, really. He got to his feet, only a little unsteady. "You can... whatever."
Andrew's lips were pursed together as he stared up at Kris thoughtfully.
"You want me to crash with you?" Andrew asked.
"Yeah, okay," Kris said.
He'd woken up with Andrew a few times over the years, though generally the rest of the guys had been around, too. It was nice, though, warm and solid. Kris yawned, tapped at Andrew's arm until he shifted over on his back, and then wiggled out from under him on the bed. They hadn't really had much to drink last night, just enough to take the edges off Kris's shame, and that meant that Kris wasn't feeling anything this morning except a serious case of cotton-mouth, which was taken care of easily enough.
He and Katy hadn't ever told anyone else about their arrangement before, had kept it between them and God. Now that he had mentioned it to someone, it was strange how clearly he could see that they'd been setting themselves up for a losing battle. So much of his concentration when he'd been hard and taking care of himself had been about what he wasn't allowed to think about, and coming hadn't ever been as relaxing and enjoyable as it'd been before he'd screwed up. Of course, the restrictions hadn't been about making orgasms good or easy. They'd been about punishment. It's not like he hadn't known that going into it. If anything, Katy's anger and her demands had been a relief at first, that she wasn't going to let him off the hook.
That, despite his betrayal, she still cared enough to be angry.
It was one of the things that he always remembered most about the night that Adam had pushed him away - Adam hadn't been mad or upset. He'd just laughed and said that he'd take it as a compliment that Kris had been temporarily overwhelmed by Adam's attractions. He'd kissed Kris on the forehead, like he was a kid, and then told him to go back to his wife.
Even thinking about it was enough to bring back the twist of humiliation that had settled in his belly like a stone.
Kris made breakfast in Adam's kitchen, enough for two, split it in half and ate his while waiting for Andrew to wake up.
"Morning," he said when Andrew appeared, yawning and sleepy-eyed. He watched as Andrew ate, then collected all the dishes and washed them, handing them over to Andrew for drying.
"I'm glad you called me," Andrew said, sitting back down at the table with his second cup of coffee. "Maybe it was only because Cale's out of town but... I appreciate it."
"I couldn't talk to Cale about this stuff," Kris said, turning around one of the chairs and sitting in it backwards, folding his arms over the back of the chair and resting his chin on top. "He's- he's a great guy, but he's..."
"Dude, Cale knows," Andrew said. Kris shook his head a little, not sure where Andrew was going. "He pitched in some money for Ronnie, too."
"He did?" Kris asked, and he tried to fit that into who Cale was. Who he'd thought Cale was. "Oh, wow. I thought he- I guess I figured that he wouldn't... we go to the same church. They're not really a fan of that stuff."
"I think he's a bigger fan of you than he is of rules," Andrew said, with a shrug. "You haven't seen the way he talks about you when you aren't around - well, obviously. As far as Cale is concerned, you hung the moon, dude. You could totally get blowjobs out of that if you wanted, even if he is straight."
"I don't think Cale would blow me," Kris said.
"Oh, yeah, he would," Andrew said. "You can trust me on that. Why, you thinking of asking him?"
"No!" Kris said, back stiffening. "I'm not. Sheesh, I tell you all that about trying not to even think about cheating-"
"Something's changed, though," Andrew said. "Whatever had you walking out on Katy. So, you know, figured the rules might have changed, too."
"I don't know," Kris said. He wasn't sure how to manage in a world where Katy had done exactly what she'd been despising him for doing. He really did need to talk to her, even though it was pretty much the last thing that he wanted to do. "I- I don't want us to be late for rehearsal. We should get out of here."
Since he still hadn't heard back from Cale, he sent off a quick text asking how things had gone, and then he and Andrew went back to the studio. They finished up around eleven that night, and Kris was finally ready to face Katy. Probably. He drove over to their place, at least, and stared at the door for about ten minutes before he got out of the car. He rapped on the door before unlocking it, and there she was, sitting on the couch with the TV on. She didn't look thrilled and, when he opened up his mouth to talk, she pointed at the TV and said that her show only had fifteen minutes left and she'd appreciate getting to watch it. He went over to the kitchen and grabbed a half-empty bag of pretzels, waited for Katy's show to finish up. When the TV got turned off, he went back into the living room. Katy had pulled her feet up onto the couch, wrapping her arms around her legs, and her hair was in pigtails. It was a familiar sight, and it made his heart ache a little.
He didn't sit next to her on the couch, instead grabbing one of the hard-backed wooden chairs.
"Hey," he said, softly.
"Hey."
"I wasn't sure if- if your friend would be here," he said. She shook her head.
"I've never brought him here," she said. "We always went to his place. This is... this is our place."
"It'll be your place soon, if you want," he said, and her sharp intake of breath made him want to take it back again.
"I want you," she said - her eyes were shining with unshed tears and it shouldn't- it shouldn't be so easy for her to make him feel like the bad guy. "That's why... I think we should move back to Arkansas, Kristopher, I really do. Away from all this... all these temptations. They're too much. I get that now. I don't blame you anymore. It's too much. It's too hard to resist. We should go back home. Just you and me. That'll make it better."
"You thought all those rules would make things better, too," Kris said, quietly. "But they didn't. I didn't- I'm still fucked up, Katy."
"You still think about him?" she asked.
"Yeah," he said. "So, I- I don't think it'll work. Even if we move away and never come back... you'll still think of that guy who gave you what I couldn't. It doesn't go away just because you hide from it."
"I don't love him," she said, looking away from him, down at her bare toes. "I love you. I've only ever loved you."
Kris got up from the chair and knelt down in front of her, taking her hands in his. "I don't make you happy." He pressed a kiss against her fingers. "Maybe you love me, baby, but I don't make you happy."
"I don't need to be happy if I have you." Then she laughed. "That sounds stupid. I mean it, though. I would choose you over anyone else."
"You are one of the smartest people that I know," Kris said. "And you will always be the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world. You deserve better than a guy that's in love with someone else."
"You're not," she said, her voice breaking. "It was just sex. You just wanted to sleep with him. Like I said... I get it now. I know how it feels. But it's not the same as love."
"We should get divorced in California," Kris said, squeezing her hands gently. "No-fault. It'll take a few months, but... easier than back in Arkansas."
"I don't want a divorce. I don't want us to be a stupid statistic," she said. "I want to fix things."
"We tried. We can't," he said. He let go of her hands, started to get up again. She stood up with him, and her hand was on his cheek and she was kissing him, soft and familiar.
"One more night?" she asked, her hands already at the buttons of his shirt. "Just- for goodbye, at least?"
He gathered her hands up in his and gently pulled them away. "I don't think it would be a good idea."
She didn't stop him as he went through the apartment and grabbed some essentials - comfy clothes, his laptop and all his chargers, his bathroom stuff. He stuffed it all in a bag and dropped it off by the door before going back to her. She hadn't moved except to wrap her arms around herself.
He kissed her forehead, and she leaned into him. He could feel her trembling but he knew that she'd wait until he was gone to cry. She never liked looking weak.
"I'll come see you again in a few days, after I've had a chance to talk to a lawyer," he said, and she nodded, biting her lip.
He didn't go back to Adam's, getting a hotel room instead. He left a message on Lizzie's voicemail about needing to get a lawyer - he wasn't really looking forward to that conversation, either.
The next day, he went over to Adam's and cleaned up, leaving it the way that he'd found it as best he could. But when he got to the point of putting away the dvds, he hesitated. How likely was it that Adam rewatched his own porn, anyway? And judging by the lack of editing, it was possible that Adam hadn't ever watched them. Kris grabbed three cases, not looking to see which ones they were, and tossed them in his bag, putting the other ones back on the shelf. He'd bring them back soon. He just- he'd bring them back soon enough.
On his way to the studio, he gave Cale a call, finally reaching him. Everything had gone fine in Arkansas - "better than fine! She wants to get married!" and Kris offered his congratulations, asked when Cale would be able to get back to L.A. - "Two days? Yeah, I can be back on Thursday," and Kris agreed that was fine and that was all that really needed to be said.
Half-way through rehearsal, Lizzie called him back, and he spent about an hour being yelled at. Then she gave him the name and number of the lawyer she wanted him to use and warned him not to be either stingy or too generous in the settlement - "That'll just bite you in the ass down the road."
After over two years of being frozen in place, it was all happening so fast now and yet- when he looked at the end of this road, at himself and Katy both alone and lonely, part of him wanted to call it off. Even if he'd always love Adam, maybe if Katy was willing to accept that, things would still work out. Maybe they could- but he'd been trying that for years, to only make Katy matter and ignore what was in his heart. It hadn't worked. It wouldn't work now. If Adam's rejection and the years of friendship without hope for more hadn't killed the ache in him, Kris didn't think anything would.
When rehearsal ended, Kris went back to his hotel room, and he fumbled open his bag and looked at the dvds that he'd grabbed. Two from 2008, which would be Brad and Adam, but he also had the 2009 one. He hadn't thought that Brad and Adam had still been together by then, but maybe he'd been wrong. Or maybe... maybe this one was more like the very early ones, with someone where it was more sex than love. That might be easier to watch.
He popped that one into the hotel dvd player and settled himself on the bed with the remote, wiggling out of his jeans and shorts before he pressed play.
Adam was sitting on the bed, blindfolded. Kris breathed in sharply - Adam was naked, cock heavy but soft between his legs, and he was breathing calming, almost like he was mediating.
"Can I look yet?" Adam asked.
"Not yet!" came back the answer - Brad's voice. So, they had still been together. Or maybe they'd hooked up a couple of times after their break-up. It could be that.
Adam waited, and Kris could see candles set up on the table behind the bed. "I don't know why I let you talk me into these things," Adam said, fondly, though more with the exasperated affection Kris was used to hearing from Adam on the topic of Brad than with the vibrant need he'd heard in the earlier videos.
"You'll thank me when it's over," Brad said, finally coming on camera. He was wearing clothes and, for Brad, he was dressed down a bit. His jeans were a little too big for him and that black-and-white plaid shirt had to be Adam's, the way that it swam on him. "Okay, you can look. Tell me how fantastically perfect I am!"
Adam reached up and took off the blindfold. He looked at Brad and chuckled. "Not even close."
"You're an actor," Brad said, peevishly. "Play pretend."
"There's no way you can pull this off. And a plain shirt your size would be more accurate than you in my clothes."
Brad pouted, flopping next to Adam on the bed. "I'll take my clothes off, then! Would that make his royal highness happier?"
"Seriously, he's not... he's not what you think," Adam said, leaning back on the bed. He didn't seem at all uncomfortable with being naked while Brad was dressed. "He's not... a hayseed in a plaid shirt. He's a lot more complicated than that. I told you - he's a really great guy. That's why this stupid crush needs to go away. So that I can just be friends with him. But not- not like this."
"Oh, fine," Brad said, and he reached over and stroked Adam's cock, with a sly smile. "But if you do feel the urge to yell out Allen's name while you fuck me, I promise not to get offended. Scout's honor."
Kris shut off the television, trembling.
Adam had lied.
Why had Adam lied?
Did it even matter anymore? Maybe Adam had gotten over it during - that must have been the break between Hollywood week and the rest of the show. Maybe Adam had gotten over everything then and by the time Kris had finally tried to kiss him, half a year later, he hadn't felt anything and it hadn't been a lie at all. But it had been serious enough at the beginning that Adam had worried it would get in the way of their friendship. That had to- it had to mean something.
Didn't it?
Maybe not, but Kris was feeling something uncurl in his belly that he hadn't felt in years.
Hope.
He pulled his clothes back on, and then he called Danielle.
"Hey, what's up?"
"Katy and I are getting a divorce," he said, bluntly. "I have to ask- does that change your mind about whether or not I can listen to Adam's demos?"
"You can come right over," she said, after a second of silence. "I'll have it ready."
His hands were shaking, he noticed as he grabbed his keys. But his guess had been right. He'd been right about why Danielle had been holding back before - after he'd told her that he and Katy would make up, that he wouldn't leave her, it had changed her mind about letting him listen. There was something in the demos that Alisan and Danielle thought would matter if he and Katy had broken up.
Danielle's hair was a loose dark cloud around her shoulders and she was dressed for bed, but she let him in and led him straight to her computer, where a set of headphones rested on the desk. She smiled at him and kissed him on the cheek, and then left the room. Kris sat down and put on the headphones. There was a quicktime file open, named "Adam solo demo" and Kris hit play.
There was barely any instrumentation, just a guitar and a basic drum beat, with the focus on Adam's voice and on the lyrics. On- on a want that curled into Kris's bones and made him shiver. Adam was aching and pure and the song was slow and mournful. About a never-was.
When it had ended, Kris just sat there for a moment. If Adam had- if Adam...
He took the headphones off and laid them back down.
Kris knew what he wanted the song to mean, what he wanted Alisan and Danielle's pushing to mean - they wanted what was best for Adam and if they knew, if Adam had told them...
"You need to tell Adam about the divorce," Danielle said, softly. She was behind him, her hands coming down to rest on his shoulders. "He- he'd want to know."
"Why didn't he tell me?" Kris asked. "I- all these years, all he had to do was tell me."
"He spent months telling himself that he couldn't have you because you were straight," she said, playing with his hair. "The idea that he could was a little overwhelming, I think. And- you didn't want to be that guy who made it big and dumped his small-town girl? He didn't want to be the guy that broke up a marriage. As long as he thought you and Katy were happy or at least were working on happy, he never would have made a move."
"I would have left her for him," Kris said, voice scraped raw. And it made him think of Katy, the way she'd yelled at him on his birthday, driven not just to cheat on him, but to throw it in his face because... because instead of ending his marriage cleanly, he'd only drawn out the pain over the last three years. He'd done his best to keep his promise to only think of her, but touching her had always made him think of Adam. Satisfying her had become an exercise in futility, his nerves taut whenever their arguments tip-toed in the direction of Adam - a direction Katy had never been afraid to go, always her favorite trump card whenever Kris had stepped out of line.
Danielle hugged him and stroked his hair, and Kris let himself be comforted.
"Do you want me to go talk to her?" she said.
"I think she might slam the door in your face," Kris said dryly. Then he shook his head. "She has some friends here. She's not alone."
"But will she tell anyone the truth?" Danielle asked. "She might not be ready to confess that her marriage is over, you know? And I'm actually okay being yelled at a little, as long as there's a chance she'll listen, afterwards."
"If you want to talk to Katy, I won't try to stop you," Kris said. "Just... don't expect miracles."
"Don't worry," Danielle said. "Did you want to stay the night again?"
"I've got a hotel room," Kris said. "I'm meeting with a lawyer on Friday. And- and..."
"And four days from now, Adam's coming home," Danielle said.
A week ago, the thought had just been comforting and safe. Adam would be back in the States and he and Kris would get the chance to hang out for a day before Kris had to leave for Florida with the band. Now, though, Adam coming home was... complicated. He wanted- he wanted to tell Adam everything, wanted to believe that this time it would be different, but he kept remembering Adam's laugh and the way he'd told Kris to go be with his wife. If Adam did that again... he didn't know. And if Adam didn't - fuck, he still didn't know what he'd do. When he'd been in the first flush of love, it had been easy to convince himself that Adam would enjoy teaching him the ropes. Now, though, he found himself wanting to do a little research before he talked to Adam again.
"I want to tell him in person about the divorce," Kris said. "I need- I need to tell him face-to-face."
Danielle nodded. "I won't tell anyone. Not Brad or even my mom. Promise."
"Thank you," Kris said.
After a night filled with half-remembered dreams, the next day was pretty uneventful - he went to rehearsal, he horsed around with the guys a little, then he went back to the hotel. He pulled out his laptop and started looking up searches related to 'gay sex'. There was a lot out there and not all of it would be useful. Time to narrow it down a little.
So, 'gay sex' just brought up porn sites. Kris bookmarked a couple of them and then tried adding 'information' on the end of his search. That mostly brought him to 'coming out' information which... probably would be useful but wasn't quite what he was looking for.
Okay, maybe he needed to broaden it. 'Anal sex', not just 'gay'.
And... porn sites again.
Kris sighed and gave up on it for the moment.
On Thursday, one week after Kris's birthday, Cale came back from Arkansas, glowing with happiness.
That night after rehearsal, Kris looked up some of that Kradam fanfiction stuff, but he couldn't read it. It was all... there was... and he was pretty sure that he didn't even bend that way. He didn't think anyone did, except maybe some well-trained contortionists.
Adam texted him, something about cranberry juice that probably made sense in his own mind but made no sense to Kris, and Kris texted him back, and neither of them mentioned Katy or the conversation that Kris had promised Adam they would have once he got back to town.
Rehearsal went well the next day and Kris's appointment with his new lawyer went fine, too. It was hard to concentrate, though, knowing that Adam would be flying in tomorrow night, though Kris wouldn't get the chance to see Adam until Sunday, between the lateness of the flight and the jet lag Adam was sure to have. It was even harder to concentrate when he remembered that he still had some of Adam's porn stashed in his hotel room.
After his meeting, Kris went back over to Adam's, dvds in hand, and went to put them away. He hesitated, though, at the last second. He hadn't managed to get much research done and, well, it was Adam specifically that he wanted to know about anyway. Maybe he'd been ignoring the best source of real research that he could have found.
Only one more day and maybe he would need to try to convince Adam with something other than words.
So, instead of going back to the hotel room, Kris picked out one of the dvds - something from the middle of 2007 - and put it into the dvd player. He got a damp washcloth and some hand cream from the bathroom, still not quite willing to break into Adam's sex supplies, and turned on the TV. This time, he tried his best to keep still and just watch - look at what Brad did, where he touched, which places drew the best reaction from Adam. But it wasn't easy, to do nothing while Adam moaned and tumbled Brad over and kissed him. Kris popped open the button on his jeans, got his hand slippery, stroked at his dick. Adam played with Brad, holding him down and licking at - Kris couldn't imagine ever doing that or how it would...
His fingers went lower, fumbling past his balls and touching his asshole. He'd never- never let himself get this far, even before Adam had turned him down. He couldn't understand how it could feel good but it obviously- it did, all he had to do was listen to how Brad was practically wailing because Adam was licking him there. He brushed his fingers over the hole, twitching a little at how it felt, slimy and strange. He dipped his finger in and he could feel the muscle trying to keep him out and it was- he wrinkled his nose, pushing a little deeper, angling his hips up, his eyes fluttering shut.
He could feel the scrape of his own ragged fingernail against his inner skin. It- he didn't like it. Maybe that was why Adam got manicures. Brad let out a particularly high-pitched yelp and Kris opened his eyes again to see what Adam was doing to him.
Kris's breath caught.
Brad went on moaning like a cat in heat and Adam, real Adam, was standing right there next to the television. Kris jerked his hand away from himself with a shudder and he could practically feel his dick deflating from the shock. Kris tried to find the remote, to turn off the damn clip, but he'd dropped it on the floor at some point, so he had to reach down to get it and then turn everything off.
Adam hadn't moved. He looked... well, he looked tired as fuck, a feeling that Kris knew well from getting back from overseas, and also more than a little confused. Adam was still holding his bag over his shoulder, so he'd come straight to the entertainment room when he'd arrived - probably drawn by the sounds of the television that shouldn't have been on. And Kris had a horrible, panicked moment of wondering if, oh God, if any of Adam's crew had come back to his place with him. That happened sometimes. But he didn't see anyone else.
Even the thought of it flushed his cheeks with a damning, shaming heat.
"You're- you're back early," Kris said. "I thought you- there was a press conference?"
"Moved up to yesterday," Adam said, taking a step into the room. "So I got an early flight."
Kris nodded. "That's nice," he said, somewhat inanely. "Wow. You must be tired."
Adam cocked his head, lips pressed together thoughtfully. Kris shifted on the couch and he could- he reached down to button up his pants but then froze when Adam said, "Stop."
He heard the thump of Adam's bag hitting the floor and the click-click of Adam's boots coming closer. Then, Jesus, Adam was kneeling down on the floor in front of the couch.
"All you have to do is tell me 'no'," Adam said, which didn't- that didn't make any sense. Adam's hands were on his knees, pushing them out, spreading him. Kris shivered, eyes falling shut again, and he opened his legs as much as he could with the jeans still on. "Let me see," Adam said, and he was gently tugging Kris's hands away from where they'd been covering his cock. "Commando, huh?"
Kris swallowed, but couldn't get enough water in his mouth to talk, to explain that he'd forgotten to grab any underwear when he'd left his apartment the other day.
"Do you want me to turn the soundtrack back on?" Adam asked and it took Kris a second to realize that he meant the sex tape. Kris shook his head, breath coming quick. He was already more than half-hard.
Adam had placed Kris's hands down on the couch and Kris had the impression that he wasn't supposed to move them. He wasn't sure that he could. And then there was a brush of fingers against Kris's cock and he tried not to squirm. There was something- almost dreamlike about this moment, something foggy and secret, and Kris didn't want to be the one to make it go away. Adam's hand was on his dick more firmly now and Kris opened his eyes just a little, just enough to catch a glimpse of Adam, leaning over Kris's lap and stroking him. Adam's head lowered and Kris hissed with surprise as the head of his cock was enveloped in the wet heat of Adam's mouth. It had been- it had been years since anyone-
Adam's tongue was flicking out to lick and tease, even as Adam sucked him in. It wasn't- Adam had only just started and Kris was about to-
"Adam." And his voice came out in a husky whisper he hadn't expected. "I'm going to- Adam. I'm- I-"
His hips tried to buck against Adam's hands - and Adam could hold him down - and he was falling apart already, a whimper on his lips as he spent into Adam's mouth.
Adam licked him clean and Kris shivered.
He reached out to touch Adam's hair, soft from being on an airplane half the day. Adam laid his head down on Kris's thigh and he was reaching forward and slipping his fingers down where Kris had been touching himself earlier. He was slick, still, from his own exploration, and Adam took advantage of that, his finger sliding a little bit deeper than Kris had dared. Kris pet at Adam's hair and tried not to let his hand shake. Adam's finger was softer than Kris's had been - those manicures... not playing guitar probably helped, too - and his nail was smooth. Kris could feel the edge of it, but it didn't jab at his skin like his own had. So gentle and slow, retreating easily whenever Kris's body protested. It was... Kris tried to sprawl out more on the couch, but his jeans got in the way. Adam pulled out and Kris murmured in discontent, but Adam was tugging at Kris's pants, releasing him, pushing Kris's thighs farther apart.
Then Adam pushed his finger back inside and it was easier now, with Kris spread open.
In and further in still, and then Kris could feel the soft pressure of a second finger against him. He bit down on his lip, his eyes shutting again, his fingers tightening in Adam's hair for a second before he was able to start stroking again.
Adam slowed down even more, so that Kris should barely notice the rub and slide of his fingers. But Kris did notice; he could feel everything about Adam's fingers, the nails and the bend of knuckle, and it was so shockingly vivid, so overwhelming. Adam's fingers moved in him and they were the only thing in the world, the only thing that Kris could feel. Then Adam touched something inside him and Kris jerked, and it was like Adam was jacking him off, it was that kind of good, but Adam wasn't touching Kris's cock, and Adam's fingers brushed back over that spot again - and Kris knew what it was, but he couldn't think of the word - and Kris squirmed toward Adam, chasing the feeling.
Then Adam pulled his fingers out, lined them back up again, and Kris stilled when he felt the touch of a third finger penetrating inward. It was drier, rougher when Adam stroked inside him, but still so good, maybe even better. Adam knew right where that spot was now, and seemed to delight in teasing Kris by pressing there and then retreating again. Adam flexed his fingers, tried to spread them apart, stretching Kris tight and open, making him gasp. Kris felt like he was on the edge of something, like he might crack apart if he so much as breathed the wrong way. Adam's head moved out from under his fingers and Kris's hand fell down to his own thigh. He could feel the warm air from Adam's mouth over his balls and they were tight, too, and his cock was hard again and he hadn't even noticed, so caught up in what Adam was doing inside him.
When he came this time, it was different than normal - deeper, echoing through what felt like every nerve in his body. He felt so relaxed and loose, afterwards, like every tense part of himself had been shaken free. He twitched as Adam eased his fingers back out and then dared to open his eyes again. Adam was caressing Kris's thighs, carefully avoiding his dick, where he was still so sensitive.
"So," Adam said, voice rougher than normal. "You wanna talk about why you were fingering yourself open on my couch?"
"I was... doing research," Kris said. It was hard for him to feel the panic and the nerves that had been consuming him earlier, not when he was so sated and Adam was touching him so tenderly. "Trying to figure out why people liked that."
"And did you figure it out?" Adam asked, and there was a sparkle in his eyes. Kris just smiled lazily. Adam had to be hard, too - at least, Kris hoped he was - but he seemed as calm as ever. Then again, it was Adam and it wasn't like Kris hadn't seen him finish a performance with a hard-on that would make a porn star go pale.
"I don't know," Kris said. "Might need more experimenting done later." Kris reached out and traced his fingers over Adam's mouth. "Can I help you out?"
Adam pulled himself up onto the couch, straddling Kris's legs. He was heavy, but it was kinda nice. Reassuring. And Kris could see Adam's cock now, stiff and outlined in his tight pants. That was reassuring, too. He brushed his knuckles against it, and he could swear that he felt it pulse as he touched it. He smiled up at Adam, letting his hand rest on that bulge. The GlamBulge, that was what some of Adam's fans called it. Kris grinned, amused and delighted with the world. Adam touched his chin and leaned forward and his mouth-
Kris flinched a little when Adam's mouth touched his, half-expecting Adam to pull away with that horrible, dismissive laugh. But Adam pressed in, tongue coming out to play and Kris sighed into his mouth, letting Adam do whatever he wanted. Kris had to use both hands to open Adam's pants, but he did manage it, finally, and Adam was bare underneath, too. Using his fingers, he took the measure of Adam's cock and if he didn't already know - hadn't already seen tiny Brad put that thing in his mouth and in his ass - he'd have to wonder how it would ever fit. Adam's hips rolled against him and Kris tried to match that rhythm when he touched Adam.
Adam's kisses were distracting, the way he tilted Kris's head however he liked, but Kris didn't let himself ever stop touching. Adam's hands were softer than Kris's - so was the skin of his dick. Did he moisturize that, too? He would have to ask Adam, later. Adam's hips snapped faster and faster, and Kris tried to keep pace. When Adam came, the fluid sprayed out, thick and hot, covering Kris's hands. Adam's kisses went from frantic to slow and lingering, until finally he pulled away. He reached down and tugged Kris's hand up, licking a stripe up the palm, cleaning it, making Kris ache all over again. Then he leaned forward for another long kiss, and Kris could taste something new there, salty and sharp. Adam. The taste of it made him giddy, reckless.
"You're in love with me," Kris said, and Adam's face tightened a little and Kris knew it was true and he nearly stumbled over his next words, needing to get them out. "Adam, I- I saw a lawyer today." Adam tilted his head slightly, features relaxing again. "A divorce lawyer. I'm getting a divorce. I, uh, wasn't expecting to tell you this way."
"You were fingering yourself on my couch," Adam said. "While watching me have sex. There's only so much a man can take without cracking."
"I'm glad you cracked," Kris said. "I- I was a little nervous about telling you because-"
"Because last time, I pushed you away," Adam said. And he shifted off Kris's lap - which was good, because Kris's legs had started to ache a bit - and then hauled Kris into his lap. Kris cuddled in and kissed the curve of Adam's jaw, considered the angle and found the whole thing pretty comfortable. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I didn't- I couldn't-"
"Yeah, Danielle said that you didn't... didn't want to be a homewrecker," Kris said.
"Dani's been talking a lot," Adam said, but he was sliding his hand up Kris's back, rucking up his shirt, and he didn't sound upset. "She say anything else I should know about?"
"She played me your demo - the one you wrote by yourself," Kris said. "It's gorgeous, Adam. Heartbreaking. I love it but- Jeez, I hate I made you feel that way."
"That's how I felt the first time I heard 'I Need to Know'," Adam said. "But I thought it was already too late by then. You'd already pulled away from me."
Kris nodded. "I went to Katy, like you said, and I told her what I'd done. She made me promise to... to work to overcome my sinful nature. I was trying- trying to be better for her."
"I could tell that you were trying," Adam said, softly. "I didn't want to get in the way of that."
"I was the one that got in the way of it," Kris said. He kissed the corner of Adam's mouth, licked at his lips until Adam let him in. They kissed for a few minutes, sloppy, sweet kisses that didn't have any destination. Finally, Kris broke the kiss, teeth tugging gently on Adam's lip as he pulled away. "I'm real glad you came home early."
"Yeah," Adam said. "I'd have hated for you to have pined away another day for me."
"I wasn't the one pining," Kris said, laughing. "You were pining. In that stupid self-controlled way."
"Don't lie, you're completely in love with me," Adam said.
"Maybe a little," Kris said with a sly grin, watching Adam from under his eyelashes. "On your good days."
"By the time I'm done with you, you're going to be screaming out that you love me," Adam said. He glanced back at the TV. "On camera."
"I dare you," Kris said, arching an eyebrow. He let out a shout of surprise as Adam stood up, still holding him.
He wrapped his arms around Adam's neck and let himself be carried off.
Seven months later...
"But will it taste good?" Brad asked dubiously, and Kris didn't need to look to know that his hands were on his hips. Kris did his best not to get too distracted, making himself finish up the swirls and patterns before answering.
"Have you ever made a cake?" Kris asked, setting the pastry tip back down on the table and then backing up to get a look at the whole effect.
"Well, no," Brad said. "It does look nice."
It did. Kris had been worried that he'd been setting himself up for failure by trying to make a tiered cake for Adam's birthday, but it had turned out well - the Eye of Horus designs that he'd just put on did look like he'd managed the right shape, and the blue and silver icing shone brightly under the lights. The single candle at the top was about ready to be lit.
"How long did that take you, anyway?" Brad asked, helping Kris gather up the icing tools and take them back to the kitchen. "I mean, you already had the separate parts all built up and everything."
"I started a couple of weeks ago," Kris said. "There's a lot you can prepare ahead of time."
"If Adam doesn't appreciate it, I'll slap him for you," Brad said. "What time is everyone else supposed to get here, anyway?"
"Two hours until the guests get here," Kris said. "I wanted to give myself plenty of time."
"Well, now that it's done, you can head out and collect Adam. Give him a little extra birthday present before you get here," Brad said, elbowing Kris suggestively. "I printed out the list of the invitees, so I'm prepared and ready to be the watchdog."
"Thanks, I really do appreciate it," Kris said. "Leila should get here before everyone else, so she can help you out if you need it." Brad started to bristle up and Kris rolled his eyes. "Just in case."
As expected, Adam was in his private rehearsal room at home, but when he saw Kris sneak in, he broke things up early and told the band to head home.
"I was going to wait and watch," Kris said, but he didn't protest when Adam pulled him into a kiss, though his cheeks heated up a bit when Tommy let out a low whistle before leaving. "Are you having a good birthday?"
"Better now," Adam said, entwining his fingers with Kris's. "Do you know what today is? Besides being the most blessed day of my birth, praise the universe."
"You've been reading your fan site again," Kris said. Adam stared at him expectantly, so Kris gave in and asked. "What's today?"
"It's our seven-month anniversary," Adam said.
"That doesn't even exist," Kris said.
"You said that about our one-month anniversary, too. And our five-month anniversary," Adam said. "I believe that I convinced you otherwise on all counts."
"I think you just like celebrating anniversaries," Kris said, lifting up their hands and giving Adam a kiss on the knuckles. "That's what I think."
"Wanna go celebrate this one?" Adam asked, giving Kris a familiar up-and-down that still sent shivers through him.
Kris tugged Adam in for another kiss and shut the door, twisting the lock into place. "Who says we have to go anywhere to celebrate?" Kris teased, sliding his hands up Adam's shirt. He let out a moan as Adam pressed him against the door.
They were a few hours late to Adam's surprise party.
It was worth it.
~the end~
Original story prompt from risti:
"When Kris and Katy have a huge fight/split up, Kris ends up going to stay at Adam's place - even though Adam is away on tour. While there, he stumbles upon Adam's porn collection, which leads to some self-exploration... After finding he likes it, he digs further and ends up finding Adam's old home-made sex tapes with Brad.
He likes those as well.
He feels kind of bad about watching, but then he finds one that's been set aside from the rest - a special place - where Brad and Adam look a little older, and Brad is completely stripped of all make-up, etc. Then one of them says something in the video that makes Kris realize that in this video, they're role-playing that Brad is Kris.
And of course, there is Kradam sex at the end. (including Brad in the conclusion is optional)
BONUS POINTS IF:
* Kris also comes across Adam's drawer of sex toys, and plays around with those as well.
* The boys continue to text/call/twitter/etc. during all of this - without Kris ever telling Adam about the fight/split with Katy, or that he's at Adam's house.
* Adam comes home a little early and finds Kris in a... compromising position."
My story doesn't follow the prompt exactly, but it was definitely very inspired by it.
Kris stared at the frozen image of Adam on the screen. This is what Adam looks like when he's in love. Kris didn't know what Adam's friends were playing at, but it wasn't helping anything. It wasn't going to help anything. Kris knew better than anyone that Adam had meant it when he'd said that a crush was just a crush. Was... harmless and meaningless.
Unless someone was stupid enough to take it seriously.
He gave up on the tv for the moment and went to lie down, curling up on his side on top of the covers, not ready to go to bed but not really wanting to do anything else, either. He'd managed to completely avoid thinking about Katy's confession for the last couple of days, but now that he'd told someone else, it was hard for him to get it off his mind. It was his fault - for being too much of a coward to still be willing to be honest about himself after Adam had turned him down. Instead, he'd taken all that frustration and pain right back into his marriage, freezing out the person that he'd promised his whole self to, once upon a time.
Only a few years ago, but it felt like a lifetime.
His phone rang out in his hip pocket - Adam calling. Kris let out a quick breath, and took the phone into the bathroom, slumping down against the wall. He pressed the FaceTalk option, smiling instinctively as Adam's face took over his screen. "Hey there," Kris said.
Adam wasn't smiling, though. "Hey. Everything okay?"
It only took a second for Kris to realize what must have happened. "Who told?"
Adam hesitated but then caved. "Danielle just called. I'm guessing that you... aren't back at your apartment with Katy."
Kris shrugged. Adam was giving that concerned look of his. The one that meant he wouldn't be leaving the subject alone until Kris stopped being stubborn and just talked to him about it. "I didn't want you to worry," Kris said, honestly enough.
"Too late," Adam said. "I'm going to guess that your birthday with Katy didn't end with 'she tried to make steaks'. You want to talk about it?"
"Not like this," Kris said, and he knew that Adam would- Adam got that it was harder to talk about this stuff on the phone, even when Kris could see the other person. Adam bit at his lower lip, something nervous and thoughtful in his eyes. Kris wished that- "I miss you."
"Yeah," Adam agreed. "But I think that-" He paused for a second, corner of his mouth twisting down. "Danielle said- she wouldn't tell me any details, but she did say that you were-" Adam hesitated, tongue slipping out to wet his lower lip. "-that you maybe were a little hurt I hadn't sent my new demos to you."
"I'm not hurt," Kris said and, okay, yeah, he sounded a little defensive there. He wasn't hurt. He just didn't understand why Adam didn't want him to hear them. "I just- um, you know."
"I really don't," Adam said, but there was someone tapping him on the shoulder and he turned his head away for a minute. "I'll be right there."
"Look, you're busy," Kris said, when Adam turned back to the phone. "We'll talk about this when you get back, okay?"
"I have time now," Adam said, but Kris shook his head.
"We'll have time later. Go - go be a rock star."
"We will talk about this later," Adam promised, before saying good-bye.
Kris slipped his phone back into his pocket, teeth gnawing at his lip. Adam had meant it, he could tell. But Kris had- Kris had managed to keep secret all these years that he hadn't... that he still felt that sharp ache of want whenever he was around Adam. He'd buried it as deeply as he could, done his best to hide even the slightest hints of it, but he had the horrible feeling that if he talked to Adam about the problems he was having with Katy, all of it would come spilling out. How could he explain Katy's affair without talking about the years of bitterness that had been built up between them after he'd gone to her that night Adam had pushed him away? He'd been hard then, too, like he'd been tonight after Ronnie had touched him, and he could still remember the way Katy's nose had wrinkled up in disgust when she'd realized the truth.
She'd slapped him as hard as she could and he'd deserved it.
And after her initial burst of anger had faded, she'd listened to his apologies and she'd promised that they could work through it together. But she'd never- she never looked at him the same way after that. He'd betrayed her - been willing to betray her - and even when she told him that she was going to forgive him, she made it clear that she wouldn't forget. That neither of them could ever forget.
He made her promises, too. Never look at a man with lust again - which he'd royally screwed several times over this weekend - and pray with her that God would give him the strength to overcome his desire to philander. Every night for weeks, he'd called her when they weren't together, and they had prayed, and the humbling words had never gotten any easier to say. It had become less frequent after the Idol tour had ended - after his main temptation had been taken away - and she'd eventually stopped asking him to do it at all. He'd thought that maybe - maybe it had meant that she was starting to trust him again.
But she'd never trusted him. Never believed that he'd put away his hidden urges. All that work and she hadn't believed it for a moment. But she'd been right about that, too, hadn't she? Because the second that he'd truly had temptation in front of him again, his body had betrayed him. Years of prayer and he still wanted all the things he couldn't have. She'd been right about him all along.
He needed... he-
Kris pulled out his phone again and sent out a text.
awake?
Andrew's answer came only a few minutes later.
Sure, bro. What's up?
could you come over? Kris's hand wasn't entirely steady as he punched in the message.
Sure. You back at the apartment?
Kris hesitated for a second.
im at adams. u need directions?
I know where it is. Be there in a few.
It took Andrew about forty-five minutes to get out to Adam's place. By that time, Kris had raided Adam's liquor cabinet, making notes about what he was going to need to replace before Adam came back. Andrew looked like he'd dressed in a hurry, and his hair was sticking up a little on one side.
"Were you about to go to bed?" Kris asked, feeling slightly guilty.
Andrew shrugged his shoulders easily. "I can sleep anywhere." And that was true enough, Kris knew from the last couple of years touring together. "What's the plan, boss?"
"We're going to get drunk," Kris said. "And then we're going to talk about guys."
Andrew was pretty fun to drink with - Kris knew about that, but they'd pretty much always been with the rest of the band before, so this was the first time with just the two of them. It was nice. Andrew was cuddly enough when he was tipsy, and willing to let Kris curl against his side and then pet at Kris's hair. And he was quiet, content to listen to Kris ramble and then offer a soft sentence or two. They were about two bottles into the night when Kris was finally brave enough to start talking about the reason that he'd brought Andrew over in the first place.
"How did you know?" he asked. Andrew's forehead wrinkled a little bit and Kris clarified. "How did you know I liked guys?"
"I have eyes," Andrew said, brushing Kris's hair back. "You check guys out, Kris. You've checked me out."
"Oh," Kris said, thinking back, trying to remember that. Andrew was- he was a friend. And maybe Kris... sure, Kris knew he was the sort of guy that lots of women found attractive, but he didn't- he hadn't thought of him beyond that. Not for more than a second or two at a time, at least. But if it was long enough that Andrew had noticed, it must be long enough to count. Long enough that Katy must have noticed, though she'd never said. "I'm sorry."
"Don't have to apologize," Andrew said. "You're cute. If I didn't already have Maggie, I'd totally be up for it."
"I am sorry," Kris said, insistent. "I promised Katy that I wouldn't- that I wouldn't have lustful thoughts. I didn't mean to break my promise."
"How were- how are you supposed to keep a promise like that?" Andrew asked. "Dude, if my girlfriend tried to make me promise not to look at anybody else ever, I'd have to tell her that... I love her, but that's crazy."
"Even a thought is a betrayal," Kris said, and he sighed a little at the look on Andrew's face. "I know, it sounds hard, but it's- I owed it to her to try. I did try but I- I could never try hard enough. She tried so hard to fix me and it didn't work."
"There's nothing wrong with you," Andrew said, gently.
"I was going to cheat on her," Kris confessed, his tongue clumsy in his mouth. "I almost- it was only because- because the other person said no. That's the only reason I didn't. I promised forever and threw it away. I treated her like trash. I deserved- she had every right to want faithfulness. It's fair. She- she had the right to ask me to only ever think about her." He flushed a little, the shame creeping in as he thought about how he'd been jerking off this weekend without giving her a second thought - deliberately without thinking about her, as if that was a kind of rebellion that she would ever know about.
"It's not a promise you could ever keep," Andrew said. "It's not even... it's not even a choice; it's a reaction. What you do, yeah, that's something she can get pissed about. But thought policing is screwed up shit, bro."
"She just wants to be able to trust me again," Kris said. Then he sighed. "But that didn't work. She never... it didn't work. And I'm still-"
"Yeah?"
"I'm still in love with Adam," Kris said, mouth twisting. "Which is stupid." He looked over at Andrew and poked him in the shoulder. "Why don't you look more surprised?"
Because Andrew looked a little startled but no more than if Kris had said he wanted to break up rehearsal early or something. He should look... 'Kris declaring he hated the Beatles' level of surprised. Or something like that. Not just... mildly taken off his guard.
"You are weird about him," Andrew said. "I mean, let's face it - whose house are we in right now?"
"Don't see what that's got to do with anything," Kris grumbled.
"You walk out on your wife and go hide at Adam's? When he isn't even there?" Okay, and when Andrew put it that way, Kris could possibly see his point. Still. Years of work. Completely down the toilet. It should warrant more than light surprise. One shocked gasp, even, would have made Kris feel better.
"I'm going to bed," Kris said. Announced, really. He got to his feet, only a little unsteady. "You can... whatever."
Andrew's lips were pursed together as he stared up at Kris thoughtfully.
"You want me to crash with you?" Andrew asked.
"Yeah, okay," Kris said.
He'd woken up with Andrew a few times over the years, though generally the rest of the guys had been around, too. It was nice, though, warm and solid. Kris yawned, tapped at Andrew's arm until he shifted over on his back, and then wiggled out from under him on the bed. They hadn't really had much to drink last night, just enough to take the edges off Kris's shame, and that meant that Kris wasn't feeling anything this morning except a serious case of cotton-mouth, which was taken care of easily enough.
He and Katy hadn't ever told anyone else about their arrangement before, had kept it between them and God. Now that he had mentioned it to someone, it was strange how clearly he could see that they'd been setting themselves up for a losing battle. So much of his concentration when he'd been hard and taking care of himself had been about what he wasn't allowed to think about, and coming hadn't ever been as relaxing and enjoyable as it'd been before he'd screwed up. Of course, the restrictions hadn't been about making orgasms good or easy. They'd been about punishment. It's not like he hadn't known that going into it. If anything, Katy's anger and her demands had been a relief at first, that she wasn't going to let him off the hook.
That, despite his betrayal, she still cared enough to be angry.
It was one of the things that he always remembered most about the night that Adam had pushed him away - Adam hadn't been mad or upset. He'd just laughed and said that he'd take it as a compliment that Kris had been temporarily overwhelmed by Adam's attractions. He'd kissed Kris on the forehead, like he was a kid, and then told him to go back to his wife.
Even thinking about it was enough to bring back the twist of humiliation that had settled in his belly like a stone.
Kris made breakfast in Adam's kitchen, enough for two, split it in half and ate his while waiting for Andrew to wake up.
"Morning," he said when Andrew appeared, yawning and sleepy-eyed. He watched as Andrew ate, then collected all the dishes and washed them, handing them over to Andrew for drying.
"I'm glad you called me," Andrew said, sitting back down at the table with his second cup of coffee. "Maybe it was only because Cale's out of town but... I appreciate it."
"I couldn't talk to Cale about this stuff," Kris said, turning around one of the chairs and sitting in it backwards, folding his arms over the back of the chair and resting his chin on top. "He's- he's a great guy, but he's..."
"Dude, Cale knows," Andrew said. Kris shook his head a little, not sure where Andrew was going. "He pitched in some money for Ronnie, too."
"He did?" Kris asked, and he tried to fit that into who Cale was. Who he'd thought Cale was. "Oh, wow. I thought he- I guess I figured that he wouldn't... we go to the same church. They're not really a fan of that stuff."
"I think he's a bigger fan of you than he is of rules," Andrew said, with a shrug. "You haven't seen the way he talks about you when you aren't around - well, obviously. As far as Cale is concerned, you hung the moon, dude. You could totally get blowjobs out of that if you wanted, even if he is straight."
"I don't think Cale would blow me," Kris said.
"Oh, yeah, he would," Andrew said. "You can trust me on that. Why, you thinking of asking him?"
"No!" Kris said, back stiffening. "I'm not. Sheesh, I tell you all that about trying not to even think about cheating-"
"Something's changed, though," Andrew said. "Whatever had you walking out on Katy. So, you know, figured the rules might have changed, too."
"I don't know," Kris said. He wasn't sure how to manage in a world where Katy had done exactly what she'd been despising him for doing. He really did need to talk to her, even though it was pretty much the last thing that he wanted to do. "I- I don't want us to be late for rehearsal. We should get out of here."
Since he still hadn't heard back from Cale, he sent off a quick text asking how things had gone, and then he and Andrew went back to the studio. They finished up around eleven that night, and Kris was finally ready to face Katy. Probably. He drove over to their place, at least, and stared at the door for about ten minutes before he got out of the car. He rapped on the door before unlocking it, and there she was, sitting on the couch with the TV on. She didn't look thrilled and, when he opened up his mouth to talk, she pointed at the TV and said that her show only had fifteen minutes left and she'd appreciate getting to watch it. He went over to the kitchen and grabbed a half-empty bag of pretzels, waited for Katy's show to finish up. When the TV got turned off, he went back into the living room. Katy had pulled her feet up onto the couch, wrapping her arms around her legs, and her hair was in pigtails. It was a familiar sight, and it made his heart ache a little.
He didn't sit next to her on the couch, instead grabbing one of the hard-backed wooden chairs.
"Hey," he said, softly.
"Hey."
"I wasn't sure if- if your friend would be here," he said. She shook her head.
"I've never brought him here," she said. "We always went to his place. This is... this is our place."
"It'll be your place soon, if you want," he said, and her sharp intake of breath made him want to take it back again.
"I want you," she said - her eyes were shining with unshed tears and it shouldn't- it shouldn't be so easy for her to make him feel like the bad guy. "That's why... I think we should move back to Arkansas, Kristopher, I really do. Away from all this... all these temptations. They're too much. I get that now. I don't blame you anymore. It's too much. It's too hard to resist. We should go back home. Just you and me. That'll make it better."
"You thought all those rules would make things better, too," Kris said, quietly. "But they didn't. I didn't- I'm still fucked up, Katy."
"You still think about him?" she asked.
"Yeah," he said. "So, I- I don't think it'll work. Even if we move away and never come back... you'll still think of that guy who gave you what I couldn't. It doesn't go away just because you hide from it."
"I don't love him," she said, looking away from him, down at her bare toes. "I love you. I've only ever loved you."
Kris got up from the chair and knelt down in front of her, taking her hands in his. "I don't make you happy." He pressed a kiss against her fingers. "Maybe you love me, baby, but I don't make you happy."
"I don't need to be happy if I have you." Then she laughed. "That sounds stupid. I mean it, though. I would choose you over anyone else."
"You are one of the smartest people that I know," Kris said. "And you will always be the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world. You deserve better than a guy that's in love with someone else."
"You're not," she said, her voice breaking. "It was just sex. You just wanted to sleep with him. Like I said... I get it now. I know how it feels. But it's not the same as love."
"We should get divorced in California," Kris said, squeezing her hands gently. "No-fault. It'll take a few months, but... easier than back in Arkansas."
"I don't want a divorce. I don't want us to be a stupid statistic," she said. "I want to fix things."
"We tried. We can't," he said. He let go of her hands, started to get up again. She stood up with him, and her hand was on his cheek and she was kissing him, soft and familiar.
"One more night?" she asked, her hands already at the buttons of his shirt. "Just- for goodbye, at least?"
He gathered her hands up in his and gently pulled them away. "I don't think it would be a good idea."
She didn't stop him as he went through the apartment and grabbed some essentials - comfy clothes, his laptop and all his chargers, his bathroom stuff. He stuffed it all in a bag and dropped it off by the door before going back to her. She hadn't moved except to wrap her arms around herself.
He kissed her forehead, and she leaned into him. He could feel her trembling but he knew that she'd wait until he was gone to cry. She never liked looking weak.
"I'll come see you again in a few days, after I've had a chance to talk to a lawyer," he said, and she nodded, biting her lip.
He didn't go back to Adam's, getting a hotel room instead. He left a message on Lizzie's voicemail about needing to get a lawyer - he wasn't really looking forward to that conversation, either.
The next day, he went over to Adam's and cleaned up, leaving it the way that he'd found it as best he could. But when he got to the point of putting away the dvds, he hesitated. How likely was it that Adam rewatched his own porn, anyway? And judging by the lack of editing, it was possible that Adam hadn't ever watched them. Kris grabbed three cases, not looking to see which ones they were, and tossed them in his bag, putting the other ones back on the shelf. He'd bring them back soon. He just- he'd bring them back soon enough.
On his way to the studio, he gave Cale a call, finally reaching him. Everything had gone fine in Arkansas - "better than fine! She wants to get married!" and Kris offered his congratulations, asked when Cale would be able to get back to L.A. - "Two days? Yeah, I can be back on Thursday," and Kris agreed that was fine and that was all that really needed to be said.
Half-way through rehearsal, Lizzie called him back, and he spent about an hour being yelled at. Then she gave him the name and number of the lawyer she wanted him to use and warned him not to be either stingy or too generous in the settlement - "That'll just bite you in the ass down the road."
After over two years of being frozen in place, it was all happening so fast now and yet- when he looked at the end of this road, at himself and Katy both alone and lonely, part of him wanted to call it off. Even if he'd always love Adam, maybe if Katy was willing to accept that, things would still work out. Maybe they could- but he'd been trying that for years, to only make Katy matter and ignore what was in his heart. It hadn't worked. It wouldn't work now. If Adam's rejection and the years of friendship without hope for more hadn't killed the ache in him, Kris didn't think anything would.
When rehearsal ended, Kris went back to his hotel room, and he fumbled open his bag and looked at the dvds that he'd grabbed. Two from 2008, which would be Brad and Adam, but he also had the 2009 one. He hadn't thought that Brad and Adam had still been together by then, but maybe he'd been wrong. Or maybe... maybe this one was more like the very early ones, with someone where it was more sex than love. That might be easier to watch.
He popped that one into the hotel dvd player and settled himself on the bed with the remote, wiggling out of his jeans and shorts before he pressed play.
Adam was sitting on the bed, blindfolded. Kris breathed in sharply - Adam was naked, cock heavy but soft between his legs, and he was breathing calming, almost like he was mediating.
"Can I look yet?" Adam asked.
"Not yet!" came back the answer - Brad's voice. So, they had still been together. Or maybe they'd hooked up a couple of times after their break-up. It could be that.
Adam waited, and Kris could see candles set up on the table behind the bed. "I don't know why I let you talk me into these things," Adam said, fondly, though more with the exasperated affection Kris was used to hearing from Adam on the topic of Brad than with the vibrant need he'd heard in the earlier videos.
"You'll thank me when it's over," Brad said, finally coming on camera. He was wearing clothes and, for Brad, he was dressed down a bit. His jeans were a little too big for him and that black-and-white plaid shirt had to be Adam's, the way that it swam on him. "Okay, you can look. Tell me how fantastically perfect I am!"
Adam reached up and took off the blindfold. He looked at Brad and chuckled. "Not even close."
"You're an actor," Brad said, peevishly. "Play pretend."
"There's no way you can pull this off. And a plain shirt your size would be more accurate than you in my clothes."
Brad pouted, flopping next to Adam on the bed. "I'll take my clothes off, then! Would that make his royal highness happier?"
"Seriously, he's not... he's not what you think," Adam said, leaning back on the bed. He didn't seem at all uncomfortable with being naked while Brad was dressed. "He's not... a hayseed in a plaid shirt. He's a lot more complicated than that. I told you - he's a really great guy. That's why this stupid crush needs to go away. So that I can just be friends with him. But not- not like this."
"Oh, fine," Brad said, and he reached over and stroked Adam's cock, with a sly smile. "But if you do feel the urge to yell out Allen's name while you fuck me, I promise not to get offended. Scout's honor."
Kris shut off the television, trembling.
Adam had lied.
Why had Adam lied?
Did it even matter anymore? Maybe Adam had gotten over it during - that must have been the break between Hollywood week and the rest of the show. Maybe Adam had gotten over everything then and by the time Kris had finally tried to kiss him, half a year later, he hadn't felt anything and it hadn't been a lie at all. But it had been serious enough at the beginning that Adam had worried it would get in the way of their friendship. That had to- it had to mean something.
Didn't it?
Maybe not, but Kris was feeling something uncurl in his belly that he hadn't felt in years.
Hope.
He pulled his clothes back on, and then he called Danielle.
"Hey, what's up?"
"Katy and I are getting a divorce," he said, bluntly. "I have to ask- does that change your mind about whether or not I can listen to Adam's demos?"
"You can come right over," she said, after a second of silence. "I'll have it ready."
His hands were shaking, he noticed as he grabbed his keys. But his guess had been right. He'd been right about why Danielle had been holding back before - after he'd told her that he and Katy would make up, that he wouldn't leave her, it had changed her mind about letting him listen. There was something in the demos that Alisan and Danielle thought would matter if he and Katy had broken up.
Danielle's hair was a loose dark cloud around her shoulders and she was dressed for bed, but she let him in and led him straight to her computer, where a set of headphones rested on the desk. She smiled at him and kissed him on the cheek, and then left the room. Kris sat down and put on the headphones. There was a quicktime file open, named "Adam solo demo" and Kris hit play.
There was barely any instrumentation, just a guitar and a basic drum beat, with the focus on Adam's voice and on the lyrics. On- on a want that curled into Kris's bones and made him shiver. Adam was aching and pure and the song was slow and mournful. About a never-was.
When it had ended, Kris just sat there for a moment. If Adam had- if Adam...
He took the headphones off and laid them back down.
Kris knew what he wanted the song to mean, what he wanted Alisan and Danielle's pushing to mean - they wanted what was best for Adam and if they knew, if Adam had told them...
"You need to tell Adam about the divorce," Danielle said, softly. She was behind him, her hands coming down to rest on his shoulders. "He- he'd want to know."
"Why didn't he tell me?" Kris asked. "I- all these years, all he had to do was tell me."
"He spent months telling himself that he couldn't have you because you were straight," she said, playing with his hair. "The idea that he could was a little overwhelming, I think. And- you didn't want to be that guy who made it big and dumped his small-town girl? He didn't want to be the guy that broke up a marriage. As long as he thought you and Katy were happy or at least were working on happy, he never would have made a move."
"I would have left her for him," Kris said, voice scraped raw. And it made him think of Katy, the way she'd yelled at him on his birthday, driven not just to cheat on him, but to throw it in his face because... because instead of ending his marriage cleanly, he'd only drawn out the pain over the last three years. He'd done his best to keep his promise to only think of her, but touching her had always made him think of Adam. Satisfying her had become an exercise in futility, his nerves taut whenever their arguments tip-toed in the direction of Adam - a direction Katy had never been afraid to go, always her favorite trump card whenever Kris had stepped out of line.
Danielle hugged him and stroked his hair, and Kris let himself be comforted.
"Do you want me to go talk to her?" she said.
"I think she might slam the door in your face," Kris said dryly. Then he shook his head. "She has some friends here. She's not alone."
"But will she tell anyone the truth?" Danielle asked. "She might not be ready to confess that her marriage is over, you know? And I'm actually okay being yelled at a little, as long as there's a chance she'll listen, afterwards."
"If you want to talk to Katy, I won't try to stop you," Kris said. "Just... don't expect miracles."
"Don't worry," Danielle said. "Did you want to stay the night again?"
"I've got a hotel room," Kris said. "I'm meeting with a lawyer on Friday. And- and..."
"And four days from now, Adam's coming home," Danielle said.
A week ago, the thought had just been comforting and safe. Adam would be back in the States and he and Kris would get the chance to hang out for a day before Kris had to leave for Florida with the band. Now, though, Adam coming home was... complicated. He wanted- he wanted to tell Adam everything, wanted to believe that this time it would be different, but he kept remembering Adam's laugh and the way he'd told Kris to go be with his wife. If Adam did that again... he didn't know. And if Adam didn't - fuck, he still didn't know what he'd do. When he'd been in the first flush of love, it had been easy to convince himself that Adam would enjoy teaching him the ropes. Now, though, he found himself wanting to do a little research before he talked to Adam again.
"I want to tell him in person about the divorce," Kris said. "I need- I need to tell him face-to-face."
Danielle nodded. "I won't tell anyone. Not Brad or even my mom. Promise."
"Thank you," Kris said.
After a night filled with half-remembered dreams, the next day was pretty uneventful - he went to rehearsal, he horsed around with the guys a little, then he went back to the hotel. He pulled out his laptop and started looking up searches related to 'gay sex'. There was a lot out there and not all of it would be useful. Time to narrow it down a little.
So, 'gay sex' just brought up porn sites. Kris bookmarked a couple of them and then tried adding 'information' on the end of his search. That mostly brought him to 'coming out' information which... probably would be useful but wasn't quite what he was looking for.
Okay, maybe he needed to broaden it. 'Anal sex', not just 'gay'.
And... porn sites again.
Kris sighed and gave up on it for the moment.
On Thursday, one week after Kris's birthday, Cale came back from Arkansas, glowing with happiness.
That night after rehearsal, Kris looked up some of that Kradam fanfiction stuff, but he couldn't read it. It was all... there was... and he was pretty sure that he didn't even bend that way. He didn't think anyone did, except maybe some well-trained contortionists.
Adam texted him, something about cranberry juice that probably made sense in his own mind but made no sense to Kris, and Kris texted him back, and neither of them mentioned Katy or the conversation that Kris had promised Adam they would have once he got back to town.
Rehearsal went well the next day and Kris's appointment with his new lawyer went fine, too. It was hard to concentrate, though, knowing that Adam would be flying in tomorrow night, though Kris wouldn't get the chance to see Adam until Sunday, between the lateness of the flight and the jet lag Adam was sure to have. It was even harder to concentrate when he remembered that he still had some of Adam's porn stashed in his hotel room.
After his meeting, Kris went back over to Adam's, dvds in hand, and went to put them away. He hesitated, though, at the last second. He hadn't managed to get much research done and, well, it was Adam specifically that he wanted to know about anyway. Maybe he'd been ignoring the best source of real research that he could have found.
Only one more day and maybe he would need to try to convince Adam with something other than words.
So, instead of going back to the hotel room, Kris picked out one of the dvds - something from the middle of 2007 - and put it into the dvd player. He got a damp washcloth and some hand cream from the bathroom, still not quite willing to break into Adam's sex supplies, and turned on the TV. This time, he tried his best to keep still and just watch - look at what Brad did, where he touched, which places drew the best reaction from Adam. But it wasn't easy, to do nothing while Adam moaned and tumbled Brad over and kissed him. Kris popped open the button on his jeans, got his hand slippery, stroked at his dick. Adam played with Brad, holding him down and licking at - Kris couldn't imagine ever doing that or how it would...
His fingers went lower, fumbling past his balls and touching his asshole. He'd never- never let himself get this far, even before Adam had turned him down. He couldn't understand how it could feel good but it obviously- it did, all he had to do was listen to how Brad was practically wailing because Adam was licking him there. He brushed his fingers over the hole, twitching a little at how it felt, slimy and strange. He dipped his finger in and he could feel the muscle trying to keep him out and it was- he wrinkled his nose, pushing a little deeper, angling his hips up, his eyes fluttering shut.
He could feel the scrape of his own ragged fingernail against his inner skin. It- he didn't like it. Maybe that was why Adam got manicures. Brad let out a particularly high-pitched yelp and Kris opened his eyes again to see what Adam was doing to him.
Kris's breath caught.
Brad went on moaning like a cat in heat and Adam, real Adam, was standing right there next to the television. Kris jerked his hand away from himself with a shudder and he could practically feel his dick deflating from the shock. Kris tried to find the remote, to turn off the damn clip, but he'd dropped it on the floor at some point, so he had to reach down to get it and then turn everything off.
Adam hadn't moved. He looked... well, he looked tired as fuck, a feeling that Kris knew well from getting back from overseas, and also more than a little confused. Adam was still holding his bag over his shoulder, so he'd come straight to the entertainment room when he'd arrived - probably drawn by the sounds of the television that shouldn't have been on. And Kris had a horrible, panicked moment of wondering if, oh God, if any of Adam's crew had come back to his place with him. That happened sometimes. But he didn't see anyone else.
Even the thought of it flushed his cheeks with a damning, shaming heat.
"You're- you're back early," Kris said. "I thought you- there was a press conference?"
"Moved up to yesterday," Adam said, taking a step into the room. "So I got an early flight."
Kris nodded. "That's nice," he said, somewhat inanely. "Wow. You must be tired."
Adam cocked his head, lips pressed together thoughtfully. Kris shifted on the couch and he could- he reached down to button up his pants but then froze when Adam said, "Stop."
He heard the thump of Adam's bag hitting the floor and the click-click of Adam's boots coming closer. Then, Jesus, Adam was kneeling down on the floor in front of the couch.
"All you have to do is tell me 'no'," Adam said, which didn't- that didn't make any sense. Adam's hands were on his knees, pushing them out, spreading him. Kris shivered, eyes falling shut again, and he opened his legs as much as he could with the jeans still on. "Let me see," Adam said, and he was gently tugging Kris's hands away from where they'd been covering his cock. "Commando, huh?"
Kris swallowed, but couldn't get enough water in his mouth to talk, to explain that he'd forgotten to grab any underwear when he'd left his apartment the other day.
"Do you want me to turn the soundtrack back on?" Adam asked and it took Kris a second to realize that he meant the sex tape. Kris shook his head, breath coming quick. He was already more than half-hard.
Adam had placed Kris's hands down on the couch and Kris had the impression that he wasn't supposed to move them. He wasn't sure that he could. And then there was a brush of fingers against Kris's cock and he tried not to squirm. There was something- almost dreamlike about this moment, something foggy and secret, and Kris didn't want to be the one to make it go away. Adam's hand was on his dick more firmly now and Kris opened his eyes just a little, just enough to catch a glimpse of Adam, leaning over Kris's lap and stroking him. Adam's head lowered and Kris hissed with surprise as the head of his cock was enveloped in the wet heat of Adam's mouth. It had been- it had been years since anyone-
Adam's tongue was flicking out to lick and tease, even as Adam sucked him in. It wasn't- Adam had only just started and Kris was about to-
"Adam." And his voice came out in a husky whisper he hadn't expected. "I'm going to- Adam. I'm- I-"
His hips tried to buck against Adam's hands - and Adam could hold him down - and he was falling apart already, a whimper on his lips as he spent into Adam's mouth.
Adam licked him clean and Kris shivered.
He reached out to touch Adam's hair, soft from being on an airplane half the day. Adam laid his head down on Kris's thigh and he was reaching forward and slipping his fingers down where Kris had been touching himself earlier. He was slick, still, from his own exploration, and Adam took advantage of that, his finger sliding a little bit deeper than Kris had dared. Kris pet at Adam's hair and tried not to let his hand shake. Adam's finger was softer than Kris's had been - those manicures... not playing guitar probably helped, too - and his nail was smooth. Kris could feel the edge of it, but it didn't jab at his skin like his own had. So gentle and slow, retreating easily whenever Kris's body protested. It was... Kris tried to sprawl out more on the couch, but his jeans got in the way. Adam pulled out and Kris murmured in discontent, but Adam was tugging at Kris's pants, releasing him, pushing Kris's thighs farther apart.
Then Adam pushed his finger back inside and it was easier now, with Kris spread open.
In and further in still, and then Kris could feel the soft pressure of a second finger against him. He bit down on his lip, his eyes shutting again, his fingers tightening in Adam's hair for a second before he was able to start stroking again.
Adam slowed down even more, so that Kris should barely notice the rub and slide of his fingers. But Kris did notice; he could feel everything about Adam's fingers, the nails and the bend of knuckle, and it was so shockingly vivid, so overwhelming. Adam's fingers moved in him and they were the only thing in the world, the only thing that Kris could feel. Then Adam touched something inside him and Kris jerked, and it was like Adam was jacking him off, it was that kind of good, but Adam wasn't touching Kris's cock, and Adam's fingers brushed back over that spot again - and Kris knew what it was, but he couldn't think of the word - and Kris squirmed toward Adam, chasing the feeling.
Then Adam pulled his fingers out, lined them back up again, and Kris stilled when he felt the touch of a third finger penetrating inward. It was drier, rougher when Adam stroked inside him, but still so good, maybe even better. Adam knew right where that spot was now, and seemed to delight in teasing Kris by pressing there and then retreating again. Adam flexed his fingers, tried to spread them apart, stretching Kris tight and open, making him gasp. Kris felt like he was on the edge of something, like he might crack apart if he so much as breathed the wrong way. Adam's head moved out from under his fingers and Kris's hand fell down to his own thigh. He could feel the warm air from Adam's mouth over his balls and they were tight, too, and his cock was hard again and he hadn't even noticed, so caught up in what Adam was doing inside him.
When he came this time, it was different than normal - deeper, echoing through what felt like every nerve in his body. He felt so relaxed and loose, afterwards, like every tense part of himself had been shaken free. He twitched as Adam eased his fingers back out and then dared to open his eyes again. Adam was caressing Kris's thighs, carefully avoiding his dick, where he was still so sensitive.
"So," Adam said, voice rougher than normal. "You wanna talk about why you were fingering yourself open on my couch?"
"I was... doing research," Kris said. It was hard for him to feel the panic and the nerves that had been consuming him earlier, not when he was so sated and Adam was touching him so tenderly. "Trying to figure out why people liked that."
"And did you figure it out?" Adam asked, and there was a sparkle in his eyes. Kris just smiled lazily. Adam had to be hard, too - at least, Kris hoped he was - but he seemed as calm as ever. Then again, it was Adam and it wasn't like Kris hadn't seen him finish a performance with a hard-on that would make a porn star go pale.
"I don't know," Kris said. "Might need more experimenting done later." Kris reached out and traced his fingers over Adam's mouth. "Can I help you out?"
Adam pulled himself up onto the couch, straddling Kris's legs. He was heavy, but it was kinda nice. Reassuring. And Kris could see Adam's cock now, stiff and outlined in his tight pants. That was reassuring, too. He brushed his knuckles against it, and he could swear that he felt it pulse as he touched it. He smiled up at Adam, letting his hand rest on that bulge. The GlamBulge, that was what some of Adam's fans called it. Kris grinned, amused and delighted with the world. Adam touched his chin and leaned forward and his mouth-
Kris flinched a little when Adam's mouth touched his, half-expecting Adam to pull away with that horrible, dismissive laugh. But Adam pressed in, tongue coming out to play and Kris sighed into his mouth, letting Adam do whatever he wanted. Kris had to use both hands to open Adam's pants, but he did manage it, finally, and Adam was bare underneath, too. Using his fingers, he took the measure of Adam's cock and if he didn't already know - hadn't already seen tiny Brad put that thing in his mouth and in his ass - he'd have to wonder how it would ever fit. Adam's hips rolled against him and Kris tried to match that rhythm when he touched Adam.
Adam's kisses were distracting, the way he tilted Kris's head however he liked, but Kris didn't let himself ever stop touching. Adam's hands were softer than Kris's - so was the skin of his dick. Did he moisturize that, too? He would have to ask Adam, later. Adam's hips snapped faster and faster, and Kris tried to keep pace. When Adam came, the fluid sprayed out, thick and hot, covering Kris's hands. Adam's kisses went from frantic to slow and lingering, until finally he pulled away. He reached down and tugged Kris's hand up, licking a stripe up the palm, cleaning it, making Kris ache all over again. Then he leaned forward for another long kiss, and Kris could taste something new there, salty and sharp. Adam. The taste of it made him giddy, reckless.
"You're in love with me," Kris said, and Adam's face tightened a little and Kris knew it was true and he nearly stumbled over his next words, needing to get them out. "Adam, I- I saw a lawyer today." Adam tilted his head slightly, features relaxing again. "A divorce lawyer. I'm getting a divorce. I, uh, wasn't expecting to tell you this way."
"You were fingering yourself on my couch," Adam said. "While watching me have sex. There's only so much a man can take without cracking."
"I'm glad you cracked," Kris said. "I- I was a little nervous about telling you because-"
"Because last time, I pushed you away," Adam said. And he shifted off Kris's lap - which was good, because Kris's legs had started to ache a bit - and then hauled Kris into his lap. Kris cuddled in and kissed the curve of Adam's jaw, considered the angle and found the whole thing pretty comfortable. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I didn't- I couldn't-"
"Yeah, Danielle said that you didn't... didn't want to be a homewrecker," Kris said.
"Dani's been talking a lot," Adam said, but he was sliding his hand up Kris's back, rucking up his shirt, and he didn't sound upset. "She say anything else I should know about?"
"She played me your demo - the one you wrote by yourself," Kris said. "It's gorgeous, Adam. Heartbreaking. I love it but- Jeez, I hate I made you feel that way."
"That's how I felt the first time I heard 'I Need to Know'," Adam said. "But I thought it was already too late by then. You'd already pulled away from me."
Kris nodded. "I went to Katy, like you said, and I told her what I'd done. She made me promise to... to work to overcome my sinful nature. I was trying- trying to be better for her."
"I could tell that you were trying," Adam said, softly. "I didn't want to get in the way of that."
"I was the one that got in the way of it," Kris said. He kissed the corner of Adam's mouth, licked at his lips until Adam let him in. They kissed for a few minutes, sloppy, sweet kisses that didn't have any destination. Finally, Kris broke the kiss, teeth tugging gently on Adam's lip as he pulled away. "I'm real glad you came home early."
"Yeah," Adam said. "I'd have hated for you to have pined away another day for me."
"I wasn't the one pining," Kris said, laughing. "You were pining. In that stupid self-controlled way."
"Don't lie, you're completely in love with me," Adam said.
"Maybe a little," Kris said with a sly grin, watching Adam from under his eyelashes. "On your good days."
"By the time I'm done with you, you're going to be screaming out that you love me," Adam said. He glanced back at the TV. "On camera."
"I dare you," Kris said, arching an eyebrow. He let out a shout of surprise as Adam stood up, still holding him.
He wrapped his arms around Adam's neck and let himself be carried off.
Seven months later...
"But will it taste good?" Brad asked dubiously, and Kris didn't need to look to know that his hands were on his hips. Kris did his best not to get too distracted, making himself finish up the swirls and patterns before answering.
"Have you ever made a cake?" Kris asked, setting the pastry tip back down on the table and then backing up to get a look at the whole effect.
"Well, no," Brad said. "It does look nice."
It did. Kris had been worried that he'd been setting himself up for failure by trying to make a tiered cake for Adam's birthday, but it had turned out well - the Eye of Horus designs that he'd just put on did look like he'd managed the right shape, and the blue and silver icing shone brightly under the lights. The single candle at the top was about ready to be lit.
"How long did that take you, anyway?" Brad asked, helping Kris gather up the icing tools and take them back to the kitchen. "I mean, you already had the separate parts all built up and everything."
"I started a couple of weeks ago," Kris said. "There's a lot you can prepare ahead of time."
"If Adam doesn't appreciate it, I'll slap him for you," Brad said. "What time is everyone else supposed to get here, anyway?"
"Two hours until the guests get here," Kris said. "I wanted to give myself plenty of time."
"Well, now that it's done, you can head out and collect Adam. Give him a little extra birthday present before you get here," Brad said, elbowing Kris suggestively. "I printed out the list of the invitees, so I'm prepared and ready to be the watchdog."
"Thanks, I really do appreciate it," Kris said. "Leila should get here before everyone else, so she can help you out if you need it." Brad started to bristle up and Kris rolled his eyes. "Just in case."
As expected, Adam was in his private rehearsal room at home, but when he saw Kris sneak in, he broke things up early and told the band to head home.
"I was going to wait and watch," Kris said, but he didn't protest when Adam pulled him into a kiss, though his cheeks heated up a bit when Tommy let out a low whistle before leaving. "Are you having a good birthday?"
"Better now," Adam said, entwining his fingers with Kris's. "Do you know what today is? Besides being the most blessed day of my birth, praise the universe."
"You've been reading your fan site again," Kris said. Adam stared at him expectantly, so Kris gave in and asked. "What's today?"
"It's our seven-month anniversary," Adam said.
"That doesn't even exist," Kris said.
"You said that about our one-month anniversary, too. And our five-month anniversary," Adam said. "I believe that I convinced you otherwise on all counts."
"I think you just like celebrating anniversaries," Kris said, lifting up their hands and giving Adam a kiss on the knuckles. "That's what I think."
"Wanna go celebrate this one?" Adam asked, giving Kris a familiar up-and-down that still sent shivers through him.
Kris tugged Adam in for another kiss and shut the door, twisting the lock into place. "Who says we have to go anywhere to celebrate?" Kris teased, sliding his hands up Adam's shirt. He let out a moan as Adam pressed him against the door.
They were a few hours late to Adam's surprise party.
It was worth it.
~the end~
Original story prompt from risti:
"When Kris and Katy have a huge fight/split up, Kris ends up going to stay at Adam's place - even though Adam is away on tour. While there, he stumbles upon Adam's porn collection, which leads to some self-exploration... After finding he likes it, he digs further and ends up finding Adam's old home-made sex tapes with Brad.
He likes those as well.
He feels kind of bad about watching, but then he finds one that's been set aside from the rest - a special place - where Brad and Adam look a little older, and Brad is completely stripped of all make-up, etc. Then one of them says something in the video that makes Kris realize that in this video, they're role-playing that Brad is Kris.
And of course, there is Kradam sex at the end. (including Brad in the conclusion is optional)
BONUS POINTS IF:
* Kris also comes across Adam's drawer of sex toys, and plays around with those as well.
* The boys continue to text/call/twitter/etc. during all of this - without Kris ever telling Adam about the fight/split with Katy, or that he's at Adam's house.
* Adam comes home a little early and finds Kris in a... compromising position."
My story doesn't follow the prompt exactly, but it was definitely very inspired by it.