Uppity Women
I'm currently reading a book called Uppity Women of the Renaissance (part of a series about Uppity Women), which is about 200+ women who Did Things. It's short and conversational but a lot of fun. I'm probably going to search out and read the rest of the books in the series
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Amusingly enough, though, in my favored het pairings, I actually tend to identify more with the guy. Though that, too, may be connected more with my (very) distanced relationship with any sort of 'female attractiveness' that I may or may not have. I can identify with traditional feminine emotions and vulnerabilities, but the sexual confidence that Vala (Lois Lane, Buffy, etc) shows is much more foreign to me than the awkwardness of Daniel when people may (or may not) be flirting with him.
However (and this is something that strongly supports your argument), I have also, in the past, had a strong negative reaction to female characters who displayed that awkwardness (most notably Willow). I could forgive a fault in a male character where I couldn't in a female, and that was, I believe, most definitely rooted in my inability to forgive myself. As I've healed parts of my own damage, I've found so much more understanding for the Willows of the world.
For you, I think it's all about the bonds characters form, as well as the things they discover about themselves. This is why your fandom work shines -- you really form a connection with the characters. You'll always be drawn to compelling relationships between characters, and they don't need to be sexual to capture your attention. I think you will find that as your self-confidence grows, you will enjoy shipping characters with whom you have an increasing number of similarities, because fandom is very personal to you.
Fandom is definitely intensely personal to me. It's where I tend to focus my emotional energy. I was talking to jic about that -- I shy away from strong emotions in actual relationships with people, but fully and completely embrace them in a fictional setting. She opined that there was a degree of safety in that and I very much agree. But, over time, I am forcing (allowing) myself to share more and more, even in person. But watching the vast variety of shows and relationships that I do is helping me to form conclusions on what kind of risks are worth taking.
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