(no subject)
stiches are out:)
****
hm, i need to write more. im having a hard time finding myself. figuring out what to do. some days i frantically feel as if im too old, and others i feel frustrated because im too young. someone said to me the other day "enjoy life! you are single, you are young, you can do anything" inspiring yes, but it made me feel as if im not taking advantage *right now* yet, i am, in little ways, but still. its not like im hiding away. or am i? see? see how confused i am? all this sitting with both arms out of order, and i think myself into circles. being *crippled* for this short time sure made me miss being able to do everyday things, showering, eating, brushing my teeth, and numerous other things im not going to bore you with. but it also made me realize that im not taking advantage of *living*. well, in a broader sense then just breathing and laughing and crying and eating and all that normal stuff. i *need* to experience more. i *need* to go out in the pouring rain and feel in on my skin, and in my hair, and i *need* to taste it and dance in it, make it *mine*. not just sit on the porch and watch it like a movie. life is just one big thunder and lightning and fatty raindrops that splat on your face and misty fog that makes you feel like you are breathing the clouds and that sun break right in the middle that was meant for you to see. and that rainbow... you are meant to see what is at the end, not just wonder about it in your head because you are too embarassed to wonder out loud. life is my rainstorm. and nothing can stop me... not money, not a wall, not even this stupid cat bite.
****
thank *you* for teaching me about the rain, and taking care of me, and finding me. and thank you for showing me your dreams.
****
i crack myself up. sometimes i have something really important in my head, something that i feel i should share, with someone. but then something happens, i get distracted, or my dog barks, and i forget it. so then i try to remember, but come up with something completely different, and just hope that it was as good as the first. thing. i really shouldnt be up this late, or early. my mind is rambling, writing helps but i feel like i would be more suited to walking down the middle of the wet street, barefoot, filing my nails, talking to myself, in my pj's (i saw someone do that once, it looked... peaceful. lol ;) anyway, that is a clue to how random my thoughts are.
the pull of the ocean is very strong these days. the problem is, if i go again, with the intent to visit, i might not come back. pathetically, i am feeling so desperate to be there, that my dream is to get there, get a job in some run-down hotel right on the beach (it has to be run down tho, has more personality that way) cleaning, cooking, dancing (j/k) whatever, making just enough to live in some one room apartment type thing, and to eat. just so i can wake up everyday, next to the ocean. im obsessed i know. but in my dream, i am completely alone. no distraction, no responsibility, nothing. just me, the ocean and the moon. and probably some creepy guy who owns the hotel, but hes not in my dream.
well, my thoughts have come to an abrupt halt. im not sure if thats good or bad... lol:)
****
hm, i need to write more. im having a hard time finding myself. figuring out what to do. some days i frantically feel as if im too old, and others i feel frustrated because im too young. someone said to me the other day "enjoy life! you are single, you are young, you can do anything" inspiring yes, but it made me feel as if im not taking advantage *right now* yet, i am, in little ways, but still. its not like im hiding away. or am i? see? see how confused i am? all this sitting with both arms out of order, and i think myself into circles. being *crippled* for this short time sure made me miss being able to do everyday things, showering, eating, brushing my teeth, and numerous other things im not going to bore you with. but it also made me realize that im not taking advantage of *living*. well, in a broader sense then just breathing and laughing and crying and eating and all that normal stuff. i *need* to experience more. i *need* to go out in the pouring rain and feel in on my skin, and in my hair, and i *need* to taste it and dance in it, make it *mine*. not just sit on the porch and watch it like a movie. life is just one big thunder and lightning and fatty raindrops that splat on your face and misty fog that makes you feel like you are breathing the clouds and that sun break right in the middle that was meant for you to see. and that rainbow... you are meant to see what is at the end, not just wonder about it in your head because you are too embarassed to wonder out loud. life is my rainstorm. and nothing can stop me... not money, not a wall, not even this stupid cat bite.
****
thank *you* for teaching me about the rain, and taking care of me, and finding me. and thank you for showing me your dreams.
****
i crack myself up. sometimes i have something really important in my head, something that i feel i should share, with someone. but then something happens, i get distracted, or my dog barks, and i forget it. so then i try to remember, but come up with something completely different, and just hope that it was as good as the first. thing. i really shouldnt be up this late, or early. my mind is rambling, writing helps but i feel like i would be more suited to walking down the middle of the wet street, barefoot, filing my nails, talking to myself, in my pj's (i saw someone do that once, it looked... peaceful. lol ;) anyway, that is a clue to how random my thoughts are.
the pull of the ocean is very strong these days. the problem is, if i go again, with the intent to visit, i might not come back. pathetically, i am feeling so desperate to be there, that my dream is to get there, get a job in some run-down hotel right on the beach (it has to be run down tho, has more personality that way) cleaning, cooking, dancing (j/k) whatever, making just enough to live in some one room apartment type thing, and to eat. just so i can wake up everyday, next to the ocean. im obsessed i know. but in my dream, i am completely alone. no distraction, no responsibility, nothing. just me, the ocean and the moon. and probably some creepy guy who owns the hotel, but hes not in my dream.
well, my thoughts have come to an abrupt halt. im not sure if thats good or bad... lol:)