introducing - Miserable Me!
I find it ironic that today's writers' block is "what do you want to do before you die"?
I don't intend to answer, because if I think about it, I'll be giving in to this nagging fear that I will never get well. And that is complete and utter bullshit. Health is right around the corner - someday. I have one week until my neurologist appointment. I'm giving my stomach until my period ends, which will have been nearly two weeks since the diagnosis (which means I will have been sick with it for three and a half weeks). My stomach alternately feels tons better and then tons worse, so I really don't know how well I am. My guess is I'm sick and sick and I'm very unhappy that this had to happen right at the beginning of the quarter.
Sometimes my stomach is fine; other times it is like an iron band under my rib cage, complete with nausea, fever, chills. These usually pass after a few very long minutes, but then they come back. I get these sharp pains lower down sometimes, but that's either gas or cramps. I know that the fact that my legs hurt and my arms hurt is because I have to get used to climbing three flights of stairs every day again, and my arms hurt because I moved all my stuff in yesterday. Lots of lifting and the like. So yeah.
The absolutely most disconcerting part is my face, my throat, and my brain. Almost constantly, part of my face is asleep, either the cheek muscles, half of the jaw muscles, the socket around the eye, you name it. It's disconcerting and really annoying. Simultaneously my throat feels like it closes up. It doesn't, because I can still breathe just fine and I can swallow just fine (I keep checking), but it still feels like there's a lump in it. It's literally hard to talk around the lump; I feel like I have to force the words out and I do not like it at all. Most frustrating, along with that, is that I feel like I have trouble forming the sentence in my mind beforehand. Clearly this isn't true, since I'm articulating myself well enough in writing, but I feel like I'm not enunciating, cutting out words, etc. I'm mumbling. Several people have had to ask me to speak up because they couldn't understand me the first time, so I'm not making this up. It SUCKS. I feel like I"m in a perpetual fog and I'm forgetting things, faces, names, due dates, rules. Then I test myself, and I'm not losing those either. I can remember the names of all my teachers and family members, and friends, I remember faces, I know where I have to be when and what I have to do for my job. So clearly my brain is still here. I'm just so tired.
You know, the tiredness and mental fatigue can possibly and probably be attributed to the fact that I have not been sleeping well, neither soundly nor getting much sleep, and I have also not been eating much of anything. That's enough to make anyone tired.
This all comes and goes. As I've typed this my stomach has settled from the banana-and-milk I had for dinner, and my brain seems to be clearing up, as does my throat. That's got to be a good sign! It helps to focus on something. I would really love to take a nap, but it takes me about an hour to fall asleep, and in an hour I need to be over in the theatre building to supervise auditions. So clearly a nap is not in my future. An early bed, however, is, and I intend to take a benadryl because last night I lay awake for anywhere from two to four hours (my clock battery died so I have no idea) trying to fall asleep, and I cannot afford to repeat that again.
This is going to be a long quarter if I don't get better soon (already it's been just over two weeks. Damn these long-lingering bugs), but maybe health is just around the corner. I have faith, after all.
One more week until the neurologist appointment~ he'll be able to tell what's wrong with me and what to do about it. Maybe the brain-throat-face thing is just related to the other sickness, and to my being so tired and not eating well. ...I said that already.
(I'm also worrying a lot about this because I'm so tired, which is because I haven't been sleeping and because I haven't been eating and because I'm sick, on my period, and starting a new quarter!)
Miserable me wants self-pity, hugs, and a blanket. :(
What can I do for another forty minutes? Staring at the computer screen exhausts me - too much white and too much bright. That is not how it should be, not at all.
I don't intend to answer, because if I think about it, I'll be giving in to this nagging fear that I will never get well. And that is complete and utter bullshit. Health is right around the corner - someday. I have one week until my neurologist appointment. I'm giving my stomach until my period ends, which will have been nearly two weeks since the diagnosis (which means I will have been sick with it for three and a half weeks). My stomach alternately feels tons better and then tons worse, so I really don't know how well I am. My guess is I'm sick and sick and I'm very unhappy that this had to happen right at the beginning of the quarter.
Sometimes my stomach is fine; other times it is like an iron band under my rib cage, complete with nausea, fever, chills. These usually pass after a few very long minutes, but then they come back. I get these sharp pains lower down sometimes, but that's either gas or cramps. I know that the fact that my legs hurt and my arms hurt is because I have to get used to climbing three flights of stairs every day again, and my arms hurt because I moved all my stuff in yesterday. Lots of lifting and the like. So yeah.
The absolutely most disconcerting part is my face, my throat, and my brain. Almost constantly, part of my face is asleep, either the cheek muscles, half of the jaw muscles, the socket around the eye, you name it. It's disconcerting and really annoying. Simultaneously my throat feels like it closes up. It doesn't, because I can still breathe just fine and I can swallow just fine (I keep checking), but it still feels like there's a lump in it. It's literally hard to talk around the lump; I feel like I have to force the words out and I do not like it at all. Most frustrating, along with that, is that I feel like I have trouble forming the sentence in my mind beforehand. Clearly this isn't true, since I'm articulating myself well enough in writing, but I feel like I'm not enunciating, cutting out words, etc. I'm mumbling. Several people have had to ask me to speak up because they couldn't understand me the first time, so I'm not making this up. It SUCKS. I feel like I"m in a perpetual fog and I'm forgetting things, faces, names, due dates, rules. Then I test myself, and I'm not losing those either. I can remember the names of all my teachers and family members, and friends, I remember faces, I know where I have to be when and what I have to do for my job. So clearly my brain is still here. I'm just so tired.
You know, the tiredness and mental fatigue can possibly and probably be attributed to the fact that I have not been sleeping well, neither soundly nor getting much sleep, and I have also not been eating much of anything. That's enough to make anyone tired.
This all comes and goes. As I've typed this my stomach has settled from the banana-and-milk I had for dinner, and my brain seems to be clearing up, as does my throat. That's got to be a good sign! It helps to focus on something. I would really love to take a nap, but it takes me about an hour to fall asleep, and in an hour I need to be over in the theatre building to supervise auditions. So clearly a nap is not in my future. An early bed, however, is, and I intend to take a benadryl because last night I lay awake for anywhere from two to four hours (my clock battery died so I have no idea) trying to fall asleep, and I cannot afford to repeat that again.
This is going to be a long quarter if I don't get better soon (already it's been just over two weeks. Damn these long-lingering bugs), but maybe health is just around the corner. I have faith, after all.
One more week until the neurologist appointment~ he'll be able to tell what's wrong with me and what to do about it. Maybe the brain-throat-face thing is just related to the other sickness, and to my being so tired and not eating well. ...I said that already.
(I'm also worrying a lot about this because I'm so tired, which is because I haven't been sleeping and because I haven't been eating and because I'm sick, on my period, and starting a new quarter!)
Miserable me wants self-pity, hugs, and a blanket. :(
What can I do for another forty minutes? Staring at the computer screen exhausts me - too much white and too much bright. That is not how it should be, not at all.