Daniel Tosh
This guy is so hilarious!
"Calm down, crackers, this ain't no rally."
"Shut up, I just got punched in the face!"
"Have you guys flown since 11/9? I'm European."
"I would be like, 'Mom, I want a Nintendo,' and she'd be like, 'The floor is lava,' and I'm like, 'What the hell is wrong with our house?! Can't we afford carpet? It's called two jobs, bitch.'"
Yeah, so then he did this whole big thing about the show "Cribs" and how his episode would be the best, and it was AWESOME.
"I'm gonna have the best Cribs episode ever. I'm gonna hire Universal Studios to come over to my house and add these extensions of caves and corridors from my bedroom to my bathroom so when I get up in the middle of the night to go pee, it's like, 'The Adventure Begins.' So I'm goin' through these caves and I'm like 'Woo,' cause I'm like really nervous and everything and then Vin Diesel jumps out and tries to scare me and he's like, 'We must swordfight,' and I'm like, 'Shut up, you overactor, I paid you to lose,' so he's like, 'Uh, okay....' So I kill him and his body's on the ground and there's like this princess tied up and she's like, 'Omigod, you saved me!' and I'm like, 'No time for chit-chat, I gotta tinkle,' so we're like runnin' and there are all these rocks falling and stuff and the walls are closing in and there are doors going down and we get onto this rope bridge but halfway across, the bottom half sets on fire and it breaks, so she falls and I catch her with one hand, and--yeah, I know, I can feel her slippin'--so she's like, 'I'll never stop loving you,' and they're like close-up on my eyes, close-up on her eyes. My eyes, her eyes, wur, wur, wur, wur. So then she falls and she's like, 'Aaaahhhhh!' and I'm like, 'NOOOOOOOOOO!' So then I snap out of it and I'm like goin' up the rest of the bridge 'cause I gotta pee like a racehorse, so I get into the bathroom and I pull my pajamas down, 'cause in my house I sit on the toilet and pee like a girl. It's my house, so I don't care. But so then there's this hollogram of my dad and he's like, 'Daniel, before you do anything you must look--' but no, it's too late, so this dragon comes out and he's like, 'BWAAAAAAH,' so I rip the medicine cabinet off the wall so it's like ching, mirror, ching, and he's like 'EAAHHH,' so then my maid runs upstairs and she's like, 'Mr. Daniel, what--what was all that ruckus?' and I'm like, 'Nono, just--just don't worry about it, it was nothing,' so she's like, 'Mmmm!' so then I go back to my bedroom and no one knows about these extensions in my house--it's top secret, like FBI--so I'm in bed and I turn to the camera crew and I'm like, 'Shh...*wink*' and then they close-up on Vin Deisel on the floor--on his face, and his eyes open....Yeah. Did you get chills?"