In an unusual way
My mom, my sister, and I went to see Nine tonight. It was pretty good! All the women were absolutely marvelous and stunning. Nicole Kidman is still one of my favorites, and I was surprised by Kate Hudson's singing and dancing. Judi Dench was timeless and amazing :)
It's these kinds of movies, with the glamorous women and great costumes, that make me want to be an actress or a dancer. I want to be magnificent and graceful like Nicole Kidman. I want to be enticing and irresistible like Penelope Cruz. I want to be sexy and chic like Kate Hudson. So I keep asking myself, what's holding me back from becoming the way I want to be? ...No, there shouldn't even be a question mark. It's a rhetorical question.
Why can't I find it in myself to actually accomplish this one simple thing. Why, after complaining that I'm not as in shape as I want to be, can't I buck up and exercise and eat right like I always say I will. So many women have done it; they've accomplished what I've wanted to, and with more difficulty, and now they're happy.
I'm still not happy. And I don't care what other people think, even guys, because it doesn't matter to me. I'm still unsatisfied with myself, even with my attitude.
Maybe it's not a big deal to other people. I mean, I know I'm not obese, but I'm not very slender. Maybe I look at it differently than everybody else; because what I've always felt is that when I'm sitting down, or hanging out with people, bulging is always something I worry about. Always. Just being around other people, and wondering if there's the chance for some kind of physical contact, I don't want to have to think, Oh God, I hope this person doesn't touch my side because it's so fatty and there's a roll there. It's like if I change my body, it will just make life that much simpler. I don't really know how to explain it, this constant little fear, but I know that if I lose weight and reduce my body fat, it's something I don't have to think about, ever, because I would know my body feels and looks good.
Maybe I'm overthinking all of this, but whatever. I don't care. And the worst part is that I feel like I get my greatest motivation at all the wrong times.
It's these kinds of movies, with the glamorous women and great costumes, that make me want to be an actress or a dancer. I want to be magnificent and graceful like Nicole Kidman. I want to be enticing and irresistible like Penelope Cruz. I want to be sexy and chic like Kate Hudson. So I keep asking myself, what's holding me back from becoming the way I want to be? ...No, there shouldn't even be a question mark. It's a rhetorical question.
Why can't I find it in myself to actually accomplish this one simple thing. Why, after complaining that I'm not as in shape as I want to be, can't I buck up and exercise and eat right like I always say I will. So many women have done it; they've accomplished what I've wanted to, and with more difficulty, and now they're happy.
I'm still not happy. And I don't care what other people think, even guys, because it doesn't matter to me. I'm still unsatisfied with myself, even with my attitude.
Maybe it's not a big deal to other people. I mean, I know I'm not obese, but I'm not very slender. Maybe I look at it differently than everybody else; because what I've always felt is that when I'm sitting down, or hanging out with people, bulging is always something I worry about. Always. Just being around other people, and wondering if there's the chance for some kind of physical contact, I don't want to have to think, Oh God, I hope this person doesn't touch my side because it's so fatty and there's a roll there. It's like if I change my body, it will just make life that much simpler. I don't really know how to explain it, this constant little fear, but I know that if I lose weight and reduce my body fat, it's something I don't have to think about, ever, because I would know my body feels and looks good.
Maybe I'm overthinking all of this, but whatever. I don't care. And the worst part is that I feel like I get my greatest motivation at all the wrong times.