I'm as smart as God wants me to be

[buttercupglory]

I keep reminding myself of that statement (the title of this journal entry) that I'm as smart as I'm supposed to be. But still, I wish I was as smart as I used to be :(  which apparently I'm not anymore. I had to take a stupid IQ type test for a job I was applying to. I wasn't even all that nervous because as far as I remember, last time I took one of those at school in my psychology class or something I had an IQ of 124. Which is above average.  But I forgot that that was then and this is now. before and after. the surgery and all that crap. and it scares me to death to realize that apparently I'm not smart/intelligent anymore. Never mind that I won't be getting the job that I thought was perfect for me. That's a small disappointment compared to how disappointed I am in my brain.That was the one thing I was always proud of. I'm not strong (physically), not beautiful, and now I'm not even smart anymore (at least not according to that specific, but rather dominant and important, paradigm of what constitutes 'intelligence'). I mean, I would have been happy or at least content if the score was just average. but it wasn't even that. it was pathetic. Apparently I'm just stupid now. :( It's like an athlete waking up to find he can't run anymore.
at times like this I think it would be nice to have a significant other so I could cry on their shoulder instead of write in this stupid blog.