in which i jump over a hurdle
by which i mean, this post is the hurdle. it's difficult for me to write about this, even though many of you already know the story. i've been told that i don't need to feel ashamed or like a failure, but that can be rather difficult when something that was supposed to be just right falls flat on its face.
bluntly: i'm done at the farm.
heidi and i were supposed to have these monthly check-ins with al and liz. in may they told me that things were going in the right direction and that i should keep them that way. one week ago tuesday, liz sat down with me and expressed some concerns and frustrations (i was working too slowly, she felt like she had to micromanage me, and she felt like she was getting a negative attitude in response to her directions and suggestions), but she very clearly seemed to be asking me to be constructive about the situation. i went away and thought about it nearly all evening and came back on wednesday with a constructive idea regarding the pace of my work and a plan to talk with her about the other two concerns, which seemed to me to be giant misunderstandings (especially the micromanagement one). she let me talk about my constructive idea, then said that she was going to be straight and launched into the "we think this isn't a good match and we're asking you to leave" speech.
whoa. what just happened? we went a whole month without you saying any of this stuff and now you're asking me to leave?
so much for my impression of al and liz as good communicators. al wasn't even there, even though they'd obviously made the decision together.
as for the micromanagement issue, i noticed very early on that liz had tendencies in that direction, and it seemed to me that she wanted to do that, that she felt better when she had something to micromanage. i didn't want it AT ALL, but i let her. i spent so much time quietly seething about her wanting to micromanage me that she wound up feeling like she had no choice but to micromanage me. it is entirely possible that i overcompensated, but still... the irony! and here i thought i was doing a good thing by sucking it up and putting my employer's needs first.
my body may move slowly relative to others, but my brain moves at lightening speed. this, i think, was part of the problem with the negative attitude liz mentioned. you see, liz would think through a task fully and then explain it thoroughly to me and heidi. problem was, i would understand what she was trying to say long before she was comfortable with the level of explaination she had given. that doesn't mean that i stopped listening, but it does mean that i stopped putting on my "i'm paying attenion" face and put on my "stop talking so that i can do this task already" face. whoops.
why, you ask, didn't i bring up these issues if i noticed that communication was problematic? because from the time i started at the farm i was on a non-stop learning curve of personal growth and i was still figuring out which aspects of my personality were playing a role. what this meant in practical terms was that, when i thought about articulating my concerns and observations, the only words coming to mind were words of negativity and blame. i knew that wasn't fair, helpful, constructive, or even consistent with my experience... and i thought that i would do more damage by speaking up with blameful language than i would by being as patient as possible until i figured out a more constructive way to open the conversation.
why, you ask, did my employers fail their end of the bargain when it came to communication? i don't know. i remember one off-hand remark about how no amount of conversation would ultimately change my personality, so maybe they just don't believe that people can change. still, there's a difference between change and one learning more about oneself and how their personality plays a role in their interpersonal relationships... and then there are standards of "fair" and there are obligations every employer has to address concerns before anybody gets to the breaking point. i don't know why they didn't, but obviously it has had a great effect on me and my life.
it didn't help me, i'm sure, that liz a) is pregnant, b) has a two-year-old son, and c) had been hosting her mother for a month and had another month of that visit to go (they don't have the greatest relationship). if i'm the most expendable stress... why bother working it out when she could just get rid of one source of anxiety? you can't fire family, but you can fire a 20-year-old who came to work and learn on your farm and who is looking to you as an employer and as a teacher. yup, great idea. way to go, guys.
anyway, now i'm living with my parents again, and looking for a job or jobs. i'll write more about that later. college is still on the horizon, and i'm definitely excited about that.
bluntly: i'm done at the farm.
heidi and i were supposed to have these monthly check-ins with al and liz. in may they told me that things were going in the right direction and that i should keep them that way. one week ago tuesday, liz sat down with me and expressed some concerns and frustrations (i was working too slowly, she felt like she had to micromanage me, and she felt like she was getting a negative attitude in response to her directions and suggestions), but she very clearly seemed to be asking me to be constructive about the situation. i went away and thought about it nearly all evening and came back on wednesday with a constructive idea regarding the pace of my work and a plan to talk with her about the other two concerns, which seemed to me to be giant misunderstandings (especially the micromanagement one). she let me talk about my constructive idea, then said that she was going to be straight and launched into the "we think this isn't a good match and we're asking you to leave" speech.
whoa. what just happened? we went a whole month without you saying any of this stuff and now you're asking me to leave?
so much for my impression of al and liz as good communicators. al wasn't even there, even though they'd obviously made the decision together.
as for the micromanagement issue, i noticed very early on that liz had tendencies in that direction, and it seemed to me that she wanted to do that, that she felt better when she had something to micromanage. i didn't want it AT ALL, but i let her. i spent so much time quietly seething about her wanting to micromanage me that she wound up feeling like she had no choice but to micromanage me. it is entirely possible that i overcompensated, but still... the irony! and here i thought i was doing a good thing by sucking it up and putting my employer's needs first.
my body may move slowly relative to others, but my brain moves at lightening speed. this, i think, was part of the problem with the negative attitude liz mentioned. you see, liz would think through a task fully and then explain it thoroughly to me and heidi. problem was, i would understand what she was trying to say long before she was comfortable with the level of explaination she had given. that doesn't mean that i stopped listening, but it does mean that i stopped putting on my "i'm paying attenion" face and put on my "stop talking so that i can do this task already" face. whoops.
why, you ask, didn't i bring up these issues if i noticed that communication was problematic? because from the time i started at the farm i was on a non-stop learning curve of personal growth and i was still figuring out which aspects of my personality were playing a role. what this meant in practical terms was that, when i thought about articulating my concerns and observations, the only words coming to mind were words of negativity and blame. i knew that wasn't fair, helpful, constructive, or even consistent with my experience... and i thought that i would do more damage by speaking up with blameful language than i would by being as patient as possible until i figured out a more constructive way to open the conversation.
why, you ask, did my employers fail their end of the bargain when it came to communication? i don't know. i remember one off-hand remark about how no amount of conversation would ultimately change my personality, so maybe they just don't believe that people can change. still, there's a difference between change and one learning more about oneself and how their personality plays a role in their interpersonal relationships... and then there are standards of "fair" and there are obligations every employer has to address concerns before anybody gets to the breaking point. i don't know why they didn't, but obviously it has had a great effect on me and my life.
it didn't help me, i'm sure, that liz a) is pregnant, b) has a two-year-old son, and c) had been hosting her mother for a month and had another month of that visit to go (they don't have the greatest relationship). if i'm the most expendable stress... why bother working it out when she could just get rid of one source of anxiety? you can't fire family, but you can fire a 20-year-old who came to work and learn on your farm and who is looking to you as an employer and as a teacher. yup, great idea. way to go, guys.
anyway, now i'm living with my parents again, and looking for a job or jobs. i'll write more about that later. college is still on the horizon, and i'm definitely excited about that.