hibernation
ok, i can stop with the vague worry about my attitude and energy level as of late. i reread some old entries and i've been posting about this winter being different (i.e. slower, less energetic) than previous winters since october. i don't know why i forgot about that, maybe because the actual experience is more unsettling than i thought it would be. historically i've been able to make mysef "get up and go" and in practical terms slowing down for the winter means that i don't have this ability in nearly the supply i did over the summer and prior to that. the part that scares me is that i'm not sure if i'll get it back, and i'll definitely need more "get up and go" if i'm going to be working my ass off on a farm this summer. but for now, i just have to remind myself that this "hibernation" was expected and is probably just what i'll need in the long run. if i can't seem to shake it off come spring, then i'll start worrying, but i need to just go with it for now.
the proof:
12 october: "i can feel the land in the process of going to sleep for the winter and it feels so different from the vibrant, bursting-with-life feeling i get in the summer. this autumn feeling is just as rich and complex as summer, but in a totally different way. i'm at a loss for words; the best i can come up with is that the richness and complexity feels more subtle somehow. i feel like the whole world operates on a different level in the winter (not necessarily slower or less, even, just different) and that fall and spring are the shift to and from that level. the difference for me this time is that i can feel myself shifting with the season, whereas before i was almost totally oblivious beyond my external senses. the shifting feels right and good but also uncomfortable, because it's a place i've never been before. i'm wondering what this winter will bring for me."
7 november: "it seems to be the season for changes and i have a feeling that this winter is going to be a relative down time for a bunch of people, me included. by down time i mean less activity in general, more dealing with personal shit, recuperating from this upheaval, and recharging for the spring (which i'm hoping will bring new beginnings for a lot of us)."
8 december (by which time i'd apparently forgotten about the previous entries): "life: is slow lately. more like, i'm slow lately. if my energy level doesn't start to pick up as the light returns after the solstice, then i'm going to have to explore a few other options. probably i also need to get out and do something, and i have a couple ideas for this."
the proof:
12 october: "i can feel the land in the process of going to sleep for the winter and it feels so different from the vibrant, bursting-with-life feeling i get in the summer. this autumn feeling is just as rich and complex as summer, but in a totally different way. i'm at a loss for words; the best i can come up with is that the richness and complexity feels more subtle somehow. i feel like the whole world operates on a different level in the winter (not necessarily slower or less, even, just different) and that fall and spring are the shift to and from that level. the difference for me this time is that i can feel myself shifting with the season, whereas before i was almost totally oblivious beyond my external senses. the shifting feels right and good but also uncomfortable, because it's a place i've never been before. i'm wondering what this winter will bring for me."
7 november: "it seems to be the season for changes and i have a feeling that this winter is going to be a relative down time for a bunch of people, me included. by down time i mean less activity in general, more dealing with personal shit, recuperating from this upheaval, and recharging for the spring (which i'm hoping will bring new beginnings for a lot of us)."
8 december (by which time i'd apparently forgotten about the previous entries): "life: is slow lately. more like, i'm slow lately. if my energy level doesn't start to pick up as the light returns after the solstice, then i'm going to have to explore a few other options. probably i also need to get out and do something, and i have a couple ideas for this."