i don't feel stressed out, but...
my shoulders have been tight in the last few weeks. i don't know if this is a result of my personal stress, the stress i'm picking up from other people, or a combination of the two. probably the latter; that would only seem to make sense.
it seems to be the season for changes and i have a feeling that this winter is going to be a relative down time for a bunch of people, me included. by down time i mean less activity in general, more dealing with personal shit, recuperating from this upheaval, and recharging for the spring (which i'm hoping will bring new beginnings for a lot of us).
lots of people seem to need me to be there for them right now. funny thing is that the ones who need me most seem to be having a hard time articulating it... or at least, not in a healthy or direct way. i'm having to do a lot of interpretation of motives and that sort of thing. i feel capable of dealing with other people's shit though. i mean, i'm worried and all, but it's nothing i can't handle slash help them handle. for some of these people i seem to be playing the role of "only one i've ever opened up to", which means that i feel a degree of responsibility beyond just caring as a friend and a human being. honestly, i'm cool with that. i feel like i have the empathy and confidence in myself to accept that role.
i'm starting to wonder though... where am i in all of this? i seem to have three distinct choices regarding where i'll spend my winter and what i'll be doing, and i keep putting off the decision. subconsciously. i guess i haven't delineated all of the factors clearly yet and some of them are things that i seem to not want to deal with directly for whatever reason. y'know, things like attachment and comfort zones and opportunities and risks. typical, perhaps, but of course each specific situation is always different.
plus, i've stopped communicating with the world at large recently. i've neglected my "mass email updates" for september and october and we're halfway through november already. i haven't been updating my journal as often. i'm making an effort because keeping in touch is something i value, but it's hard even for me to acknowledge all of the changes. i guess i feel some sense of shame that i'm not coaching anymore, even if the situation was bad all around and not entirely my fault. i don't want to have to email my relatives and admit that to them, even if i manage to put a postive spin on it. it's hard enough to write it here, where most of you who read this already know what's been going on.
but the good news is that, for the first time since i started college, i can say that i have a plan. i'm looking forward to securing an internship on a farm in egremont for next summer (specifically, 1 april to 15 november) and researching schools that either have a program for sustainable agriculture or will let me cobble one together. i'd be applying for spring 2007. the best bet at this point seems to be sterling college in vermont. http://www.sterlingcollege.edu/sustainable.htm i feel a lot more stable now that i have some idea of what i'm working toward.
it seems to be the season for changes and i have a feeling that this winter is going to be a relative down time for a bunch of people, me included. by down time i mean less activity in general, more dealing with personal shit, recuperating from this upheaval, and recharging for the spring (which i'm hoping will bring new beginnings for a lot of us).
lots of people seem to need me to be there for them right now. funny thing is that the ones who need me most seem to be having a hard time articulating it... or at least, not in a healthy or direct way. i'm having to do a lot of interpretation of motives and that sort of thing. i feel capable of dealing with other people's shit though. i mean, i'm worried and all, but it's nothing i can't handle slash help them handle. for some of these people i seem to be playing the role of "only one i've ever opened up to", which means that i feel a degree of responsibility beyond just caring as a friend and a human being. honestly, i'm cool with that. i feel like i have the empathy and confidence in myself to accept that role.
i'm starting to wonder though... where am i in all of this? i seem to have three distinct choices regarding where i'll spend my winter and what i'll be doing, and i keep putting off the decision. subconsciously. i guess i haven't delineated all of the factors clearly yet and some of them are things that i seem to not want to deal with directly for whatever reason. y'know, things like attachment and comfort zones and opportunities and risks. typical, perhaps, but of course each specific situation is always different.
plus, i've stopped communicating with the world at large recently. i've neglected my "mass email updates" for september and october and we're halfway through november already. i haven't been updating my journal as often. i'm making an effort because keeping in touch is something i value, but it's hard even for me to acknowledge all of the changes. i guess i feel some sense of shame that i'm not coaching anymore, even if the situation was bad all around and not entirely my fault. i don't want to have to email my relatives and admit that to them, even if i manage to put a postive spin on it. it's hard enough to write it here, where most of you who read this already know what's been going on.
but the good news is that, for the first time since i started college, i can say that i have a plan. i'm looking forward to securing an internship on a farm in egremont for next summer (specifically, 1 april to 15 november) and researching schools that either have a program for sustainable agriculture or will let me cobble one together. i'd be applying for spring 2007. the best bet at this point seems to be sterling college in vermont. http://www.sterlingcollege.edu/sustainable.htm i feel a lot more stable now that i have some idea of what i'm working toward.