Therapy 2/?
I know Emily blames herself for everything that happened in Year 9. I can see the guilt written all over her face every time I look at her. I haven’t decided if I forgive her or not. I don’t think it really matters. It meant nothing and people are douchebags either way, right? So whatever… let her be pathetic and pretend to everyone else that she blames me for everything. Because I know she doesn’t…totally blame me that is. She knows the truth.
And, anyway, everyone else? Yeah, well, they’re all wrong. Because I’m not. I’m not a lesbian.
Now I won’t tell anyone this, except you dear, silent, judgment-free diary. Because I’m a bitch, alright? But I sort of wanted her to kiss me. And “sort of” never made anyone a lesbian. It makes me human. Homo sapiens are curious, stupid creatures. We fucking poke ourselves in the eye, okay, that doesn’t mean we’re inclined to do it again.
My mind, that night…it was addled. By mistaken, base, human lust born from, well I’m not sure, maybe some alcohol, I can’t remember…
But it isn’t like I said anything of the sort, of the sort of wanting, out loud…yet, I’m convinced she heard me, because her eyes got so wide… and then she did it. Did what I was too shit-scared to do myself. She’d be stupid not to have realized that…and, well, blame me just a little.
But, really, there’s no reason to bring this little detail up to Emily. I mean, like what would we do? Talk about this shit over coffee and crumpets? No need to make Emily arrogant…or think there could ever be more of the same. Because there won’t be. Because again, last I checked, not a lesbian.
*************
SESSION TWO:
[Naomi]: Don’t look so surprised to see me. You should know by now I’m pretty fucked up and in desperate need of your services.
[Therapist]: I don’t think you’re fucked up.
[Naomi]: Then maybe I over-estimated you.
[Therapist]: What will you buy with your fifty quid this week?
[Naomi]: I don’t know. Probably save it.
[Therapist]: For what?
[Naomi]: My plan to take over the world.
[Therapist]: How is that coming along?
[Naomi]: Pretty crap. Look, I’m sorry I was such a dick last time. I was having a bad day.
[Therapist]: That’s fine. You can continue to be, if it makes you feel better, gets out some anger.
[Naomi]: Ugh God. I want to be a counsellor someday just so that I can say some of the cracked shit you spit out.
[Therapist]: Did that make you feel better?
[Naomi]: I have absolutely no idea what you are on about. No idea.
[Therapist]: So, how is college going? Any problems there?
[Naomi]: My grades are fine.
[Therapist]: That’s good. And socially?
[Naomi]: I go to college to learn.
[Therapist]: That’s very mature for a sixteen-year-old.
[Naomi]: You say that like it’s a bad thing.
[Therapist]: Not bad, just curious. Why do you think you’re so serious and mature?
[Naomi]: Isn’t that your job to figure out?
[Therapist]: Okay then. Do you feel like your mum is immature?
[Naomi]: Obviously.
[Therapist]: Do you feel the need to mother her?
[Naomi]: Pfft. No.
[Therapist]: Take responsibility around the house - cleaning, cooking, paying bills?
[Naomi]: Depends. Sometimes. Someone has to.
[Therapist]: And the other times?
[Naomi]: I just don’t give a shit.
[Therapist]: What happens then?
[Naomi]: My mum will eventually act like a mum…after she pulls her head out of her ass.
[Therapist]: Do you have friends that you can vent to?
[Naomi]: That’s what this is for, isn’t it?
[Therapist]: Partly, but friends offer peer review, different perspectives, social lessons.
[Naomi]: Social lessons. That’s hilarious. Trust me, I’ve learned plenty of those. Like, don’t socialize if you don’t want to learn lessons
[Therapist]: I take it you’ve learned some tough ones?
[Naomi]: Yeah, I learned that people suck.
[Therapist]: Are you happy?
[Naomi]: Are you?
[Therapist]: Quite. There are times I’m not, times I am. But overall, yes. Are you happy?
[Naomi]: What exactly is happy?
[Therapist]: Do you dread waking up? Do you look forward to sleep?
[Naomi]: There are things that make me happy.
[Therapist]: Like?
[Naomi]: Art. Talking to fascinating people whom I never have to see again. Political shit. Being a bitch.
[Therapist]: Being a bitch makes you happy?
[Naomi]: Yeah. It makes me laugh inside.
[Therapist]: Do you enjoy talking to fascinating people whom you do have to see again?
[Naomi]: No.
[Therapist]: Why not?
[Naomi]: Because inevitably there will be drama and baggage and other shit I don’t have the time to pretend to give a shit about.
[Therapist]: You said you are into politics?
[Naomi]: Yes…well the injustices of the world. You know, a fight for change. Everyone else just sits around like dumb sheep, letting these stupid charismatic loudmouths feed them all sorts of bullocks and run them off cliffs like lemmings. People are stupid slaves. I mean, seriously! Give one person charisma and some rampant conviction, and people will follow, no matter what idiotic garbage they spew - Eat your own faeces, and you will reach nirvana! People everywhere will shit on the spot.
[Therapist]: So you feel you need to fight the fight other people aren’t willing to, too blind to? To make people’s lives better?
[Naomi]: People, animals, plants, earth, whatever.
[Therapist]: But you care enough about people to fight for something, am I right? Or do you just fight to fight?
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: Do you care if people suffer?
[Naomi]: I may be a bitch, but I’m not heartless. Of course I don’t want people to suffer.
[Therapist]: Even if they are stupid sheep?
[Naomi]: It might be nice if they woke up sometimes…
[Therapist]: You know…global injustice could be said to be the drama and baggage of humanity as a whole…
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: Is there a difference if you take that fight on a more personal level?
[Naomi]: Yes.
[Therapist]: Why?
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: Is it because you’d get personally invested? You can’t hide behind a distancing shield?
[Naomi]: I don’t hide behind a distancing shield.
[Therapist]: Alright, but does the idea of becoming personally invested, caring, bother you?
[Naomi]: I don’t know.
[Therapist]: If you become personally invested, you can be personally hurt. Isn’t that right?
[Naomi]: Whatever. Everyone hurts, that’s life.
[Therapist]: Well, some people spend their lives running from anything that could hurt them.
[Naomi]: Are you saying I’m one of those people or something?
[Therapist]: I wasn’t saying that. Why? Do you feel you could be?
[Naomi]: It’s probably all my daddy’s fault.
[Therapist]: You’re deflecting with sarcasm again.
[Naomi]: No shit.
[Therapist]: Are you willing to try something?
[Naomi]: Well I’m not stupid enough to say yes before I know what ‘something’ is.
[Therapist]: Would you be willing to pick someone, anyone, at college tomorrow and talk to them? Actually have a conversation?
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: You don’t have to become their friend. Just talk, converse.
[Naomi]: You know, it isn’t like I don’t have any friends. I’m in a few clubs. I get invited places. I talk to people…some.
[Therapist]: Conversations?
[Naomi]: Close enough.
[Therapist]: When you are invited places, do you actually go?
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: I take that as a no. From my experience, when people ask you to do things and you repeatedly turn them down, they eventually stop asking.
[Naomi]: That’s the point.
[Therapist]: But how about we try to make a different point?
[Naomi]: We?
[Therapist]: You. How about the next time you are invited somewhere, you say yes.
[Naomi]: Um…
[Therapist]: See if you have any fun.
[Naomi]: I won’t.
[Therapist]: Try to be optimistic.
[Naomi]: Ha…ha…
[Therapist]: Next time we meet, you can tell me how it went.
[Naomi]: I never agreed to anything. And I never said there would be a next time.
[Therapist]: Will there not be?
[Naomi]: Maybe. I haven’t decided yet.
[Therapist]: Well then, on the chance there is, how about you try this experiment?
[Naomi]: Whatever.
And, anyway, everyone else? Yeah, well, they’re all wrong. Because I’m not. I’m not a lesbian.
Now I won’t tell anyone this, except you dear, silent, judgment-free diary. Because I’m a bitch, alright? But I sort of wanted her to kiss me. And “sort of” never made anyone a lesbian. It makes me human. Homo sapiens are curious, stupid creatures. We fucking poke ourselves in the eye, okay, that doesn’t mean we’re inclined to do it again.
My mind, that night…it was addled. By mistaken, base, human lust born from, well I’m not sure, maybe some alcohol, I can’t remember…
But it isn’t like I said anything of the sort, of the sort of wanting, out loud…yet, I’m convinced she heard me, because her eyes got so wide… and then she did it. Did what I was too shit-scared to do myself. She’d be stupid not to have realized that…and, well, blame me just a little.
But, really, there’s no reason to bring this little detail up to Emily. I mean, like what would we do? Talk about this shit over coffee and crumpets? No need to make Emily arrogant…or think there could ever be more of the same. Because there won’t be. Because again, last I checked, not a lesbian.
*************
SESSION TWO:
[Naomi]: Don’t look so surprised to see me. You should know by now I’m pretty fucked up and in desperate need of your services.
[Therapist]: I don’t think you’re fucked up.
[Naomi]: Then maybe I over-estimated you.
[Therapist]: What will you buy with your fifty quid this week?
[Naomi]: I don’t know. Probably save it.
[Therapist]: For what?
[Naomi]: My plan to take over the world.
[Therapist]: How is that coming along?
[Naomi]: Pretty crap. Look, I’m sorry I was such a dick last time. I was having a bad day.
[Therapist]: That’s fine. You can continue to be, if it makes you feel better, gets out some anger.
[Naomi]: Ugh God. I want to be a counsellor someday just so that I can say some of the cracked shit you spit out.
[Therapist]: Did that make you feel better?
[Naomi]: I have absolutely no idea what you are on about. No idea.
[Therapist]: So, how is college going? Any problems there?
[Naomi]: My grades are fine.
[Therapist]: That’s good. And socially?
[Naomi]: I go to college to learn.
[Therapist]: That’s very mature for a sixteen-year-old.
[Naomi]: You say that like it’s a bad thing.
[Therapist]: Not bad, just curious. Why do you think you’re so serious and mature?
[Naomi]: Isn’t that your job to figure out?
[Therapist]: Okay then. Do you feel like your mum is immature?
[Naomi]: Obviously.
[Therapist]: Do you feel the need to mother her?
[Naomi]: Pfft. No.
[Therapist]: Take responsibility around the house - cleaning, cooking, paying bills?
[Naomi]: Depends. Sometimes. Someone has to.
[Therapist]: And the other times?
[Naomi]: I just don’t give a shit.
[Therapist]: What happens then?
[Naomi]: My mum will eventually act like a mum…after she pulls her head out of her ass.
[Therapist]: Do you have friends that you can vent to?
[Naomi]: That’s what this is for, isn’t it?
[Therapist]: Partly, but friends offer peer review, different perspectives, social lessons.
[Naomi]: Social lessons. That’s hilarious. Trust me, I’ve learned plenty of those. Like, don’t socialize if you don’t want to learn lessons
[Therapist]: I take it you’ve learned some tough ones?
[Naomi]: Yeah, I learned that people suck.
[Therapist]: Are you happy?
[Naomi]: Are you?
[Therapist]: Quite. There are times I’m not, times I am. But overall, yes. Are you happy?
[Naomi]: What exactly is happy?
[Therapist]: Do you dread waking up? Do you look forward to sleep?
[Naomi]: There are things that make me happy.
[Therapist]: Like?
[Naomi]: Art. Talking to fascinating people whom I never have to see again. Political shit. Being a bitch.
[Therapist]: Being a bitch makes you happy?
[Naomi]: Yeah. It makes me laugh inside.
[Therapist]: Do you enjoy talking to fascinating people whom you do have to see again?
[Naomi]: No.
[Therapist]: Why not?
[Naomi]: Because inevitably there will be drama and baggage and other shit I don’t have the time to pretend to give a shit about.
[Therapist]: You said you are into politics?
[Naomi]: Yes…well the injustices of the world. You know, a fight for change. Everyone else just sits around like dumb sheep, letting these stupid charismatic loudmouths feed them all sorts of bullocks and run them off cliffs like lemmings. People are stupid slaves. I mean, seriously! Give one person charisma and some rampant conviction, and people will follow, no matter what idiotic garbage they spew - Eat your own faeces, and you will reach nirvana! People everywhere will shit on the spot.
[Therapist]: So you feel you need to fight the fight other people aren’t willing to, too blind to? To make people’s lives better?
[Naomi]: People, animals, plants, earth, whatever.
[Therapist]: But you care enough about people to fight for something, am I right? Or do you just fight to fight?
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: Do you care if people suffer?
[Naomi]: I may be a bitch, but I’m not heartless. Of course I don’t want people to suffer.
[Therapist]: Even if they are stupid sheep?
[Naomi]: It might be nice if they woke up sometimes…
[Therapist]: You know…global injustice could be said to be the drama and baggage of humanity as a whole…
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: Is there a difference if you take that fight on a more personal level?
[Naomi]: Yes.
[Therapist]: Why?
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: Is it because you’d get personally invested? You can’t hide behind a distancing shield?
[Naomi]: I don’t hide behind a distancing shield.
[Therapist]: Alright, but does the idea of becoming personally invested, caring, bother you?
[Naomi]: I don’t know.
[Therapist]: If you become personally invested, you can be personally hurt. Isn’t that right?
[Naomi]: Whatever. Everyone hurts, that’s life.
[Therapist]: Well, some people spend their lives running from anything that could hurt them.
[Naomi]: Are you saying I’m one of those people or something?
[Therapist]: I wasn’t saying that. Why? Do you feel you could be?
[Naomi]: It’s probably all my daddy’s fault.
[Therapist]: You’re deflecting with sarcasm again.
[Naomi]: No shit.
[Therapist]: Are you willing to try something?
[Naomi]: Well I’m not stupid enough to say yes before I know what ‘something’ is.
[Therapist]: Would you be willing to pick someone, anyone, at college tomorrow and talk to them? Actually have a conversation?
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: You don’t have to become their friend. Just talk, converse.
[Naomi]: You know, it isn’t like I don’t have any friends. I’m in a few clubs. I get invited places. I talk to people…some.
[Therapist]: Conversations?
[Naomi]: Close enough.
[Therapist]: When you are invited places, do you actually go?
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: I take that as a no. From my experience, when people ask you to do things and you repeatedly turn them down, they eventually stop asking.
[Naomi]: That’s the point.
[Therapist]: But how about we try to make a different point?
[Naomi]: We?
[Therapist]: You. How about the next time you are invited somewhere, you say yes.
[Naomi]: Um…
[Therapist]: See if you have any fun.
[Naomi]: I won’t.
[Therapist]: Try to be optimistic.
[Naomi]: Ha…ha…
[Therapist]: Next time we meet, you can tell me how it went.
[Naomi]: I never agreed to anything. And I never said there would be a next time.
[Therapist]: Will there not be?
[Naomi]: Maybe. I haven’t decided yet.
[Therapist]: Well then, on the chance there is, how about you try this experiment?
[Naomi]: Whatever.