Therapy 12 pt. 2
Title: Therapy 12 pt. 2
Rating: PG
Warning: F-bombs.
Disclaimer: I don't own any rights in Skins or the characters, just having some fair use fun.
Summary: Multipart fic starting at the beginning of S. 3. It follows Naomi - diary entries and therapy sessions consisting of 100% dialogue (a bit of a challenge I gave myself - I hope the meaning is still conveyed).
[Therapist]: Everyone knows you, or rather this façade you have created to push people away. Are you worried that if people see your walls can be breached by someone, let alone someone so shy and timid, that everyone will see they can break you?
[Naomi]: That sounds stupid.
[Therapist]: It does, doesn’t it? Has Emily tried to break you when you’ve let her in?
[Naomi]: She has broken me! I feel shattered and scattered in a million pieces. Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning, I feel so much.
[Therapist]: Here is what I think, Naomi. You are not shattered. What you are feeling right now-overwhelmed, confused and scattered-is the result of finally letting yourself feel emotions you have spent your entire life combating and pushing away. Where, normally, a person gradually learns to experience the joys and pains of emotions, like a constant, swift moving stream, you have created a dam, Naomi. You feel like you are drowning because the floodgates have opened. But things will balance back out, and you will have grown and learned because of it. And I can guarantee, Naomi, if you keep that dam up, you will drown either way.
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: …
[Naomi]: It’s doesn’t matter. She doesn’t want to go to the ball with me anymore. She’s ignoring my calls.
[Therapist]: It was never about the ball, Naomi, and you know that.
[Naomi]: I tried to go by this morning…to tell her… I don’t even know what really. I think I would have said anything…to not see her cry.
[Therapist]: But?
[Naomi]: Her mother was there. And obviously she found out about us or I have no idea, because Emily won’t answer her godforsaken phone! But the woman… Jesus, she’s…evil.
[Therapist]: What happened?
[Naomi]: She told me to leave Emily alone. To disappear. Oh, and that I turned her precious and impressionable little Emily gay. How ironic and hilarious is that?
[Therapist]: Ironic? Do you feel Emily turned you gay? That you were impressionable?
[Naomi]: What? No…
[Therapist]: No?
[Naomi]: No…I just…before her, I just never thought about it either way, it wasn’t important.
[Therapist]: But it is important now? 'What' you are?
[Naomi]: It would make sorting my mind easier, but…no. You’re right, it doesn’t matter, I guess.
[Therapist]: So will you?
[Naomi]: Will I what?
[Therapist]: Listen to her mum? Disappear?
[Naomi]: That bitch can go fuck herself.
[Therapist]: I take that as a no?
[Naomi]: Obviously.
[Therapist]: Why it is obvious?
[Naomi]: No one tells me what to do. Especially clueless twats. Well, now I know where Katie gets it from, right?
[Therapist]: So what does this mean? You’re refusal to disappear?
[Naomi]: What do you mean, what does it mean?
[Therapist]: Do you plan to take Emily to the ball? Just to spite her mother?
[Naomi]: No…and that wouldn't be why I did...if I did. But like I said, even if I wanted to…she’s ignoring me.
[Therapist]: But if she wanted to?
[Naomi]: I don’t know. I still don’t know if I’m ready for that.
[Therapist]: That’s understandable, Naomi. And I think if you just spoke with her, make it clear how you feel about her, and your uncertainties about the ball, she seems like the type of person that would understand.
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: Why do you think Emily’s mum thought you made her gay?
[Naomi]: Because she’s delusional and blind? And she thinks her perfect little doll could do no wrong?
[Therapist]: That must be difficult for Emily.
[Naomi]: What? Difficult for her? Why? What's so damn difficult about being a perfect little doll?
[Therapist]: That her mum thinks she’s a perfect little doll. Is she perfect? Is she just a doll?
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: Is she?
[Naomi]: No.
[Therapist]: So, she’s kind of set up for a road a disappointment, isn’t she?
[Naomi]: Her mum will just have to learn to get over herself, realise she doesn’t know her daughter at all.
[Therapist]: I think that is probably more of the problem, don’t you? And that is sad for Emily.
[Naomi]: …Yes.
[Therapist]: Do you think you know Emily better than her mother?
[Naomi]: In some ways…maybe. Her mum thinks she’s this…stupid idiot really, who can’t make her own decisions and choices, that she is just there to be…I don’t know, Katie’s shadow. That she has no identity, independently. But she’s nothing like Katie! And her mum thinks it’s all just an act, to escape Katie’s shadow. That Katie is the original and true personality and Emily is just some resulting side-effect. But she’s not, you know? She’s not trying to be everything that Katie’s not just to distance herself and create her own identity now. This is just who she is, has always been. Just…no one fucking saw her for who she is, because Katie devours her, won’t let her fucking breathe or be. She just wants to be who she is. And they don’t know her at all or even try! All they see is Katie’s shadow. Yeah, well, all I see is Katie in the fucking way, like some ugly bitch of a tree that won’t let a flower have the sun it needs. Her parents should have pruned that tree long ago. But they didn’t, and they’re killing her.
[Therapist]: Do you intend to save her?
[Naomi]: I can’t save her.
[Therapist]: No, you can’t.
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: But I think she’s trying to save herself.
[Naomi]: By latching on to me? Because I hate, Katie?
[Therapist]: Is that what you fear? That that is why she chose you?
[Naomi]: Sometimes.
[Therapist]: That may have played a part, Naomi. But you can’t believe that is why she’s stuck around, fought to keep you when you so badly didn’t want to be kept.
[Naomi]: Then why?
[Therapist]: Well, only Emily really knows. But I can guess.
[Naomi]: Go on.
[Therapist]: Emily is able to be Emily with you. Yes, free of Katie. I imagine you inspire her confidence a bit and her independence. I think she’s probably spent her whole life caring too much what people think. You’ve spent yours, trying hard not to care. Together, I think you both find a nice balance.
[Naomi]: She’s kind of a bitch with me sometimes.
[Therapist]: And that makes you happy?
[Naomi]: It’s funny…she’s funny.
[Therapist]: And you like that you bring that out in her?
[Naomi]: Maybe. It’s good for her, I think, to stand up for herself.
[Therapist]: And yes, your dislike of Katie probably goes a long way. Because you like Emily for all the ways she is not like Katie, you search for and appreciate her unique qualities.
[Naomi]: She’s just happy she found someone more fucked up than she is.
[Therapist]: I think she’s happy she found someone who makes her feel like a human being, her own being.
[Naomi]: But I treat her like shit.
[Therapist]: …
[Naomi]: Sometimes I think…it’s really unhealthy that she wants me, because it’s like she’s this…glutton for punishment. Like abuse is all she’s known, like being a bitch is how you show you love someone.
[Therapist]: How are you with her in the moments she seems most happy?
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: Not a bitch I would guess.
[Naomi]: No.
[Therapist]: Then I think she cares for you despite the way you treat her. Perhaps her upbringing has allowed her to put up with your shit longer than most people would.
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: …
[Naomi]: I don’t want it to be like that.
[Therapist]: Like what?
[Naomi]: Me always hurting her, her always coming back to be hurt again. I just…I didn’t realise…
[Therapist]: Realise what?
[Naomi]: How much she’s sacrificed…how hard things are for her. I just didn’t understand. I didn’t get it. I could only see how hard things were for me and how easy she always made it seem. I assumed…I thought it was because things were easier for her. That she would never understand how scary it all was for me…that…I just didn’t realise!
[Therapist]: How strong she really was?
[Naomi]: Yeah…
[Therapist]: You inspire her to be strong, Naomi.
[Naomi]: Then why can’t I be strong for her? Why am I so fucking pathetic?
[Therapist]: …
[Naomi]: I’m tired of being scared. I’m as bad as my mum! She runs from everything, any time something gets hard, she finds something else to run to. I always thought she was absurd, how she got behind these causes…oh sure, obsessively even, but never with, you know, truly honest conviction. She just has a different shield though, doesn't she? She doesn’t have to care about her own problems if she can pretend to care about everyone else’s. I’m just as horrible, aren't I? I have no real convictions...at all. I don’t really fight for anything...not really. But Emily…she…
[Therapist]: Naomi, I think you want to feel convicted about Emily. Just let yourself.
[Naomi]: I don’t want to be like them. I don’t want to be another negative force in her life, keeping her down. I don’t want to be just like Katie and her mum, because I am. I hurt her just as much. I can’t, I don’t want to anymore.
[Therapist]: Then don’t.
[Naomi]: You say that like it's something easy. But...I don’t know how.
[Therapist]: Just care. Let yourself care and the rest will follow. Because you don’t want to hurt her. Be stronger than your reflexes to lash out and run, be stronger than that.
[Naomi]: What if I can’t be? What if I'm just...weak?
[Therapist]: You're only weak if you don’t try.
[Naomi]: What if I break her?
[Therapist]: You already said it yourself. She’s stronger than you realised.
[Naomi]: What if... I break myself?
[Therapist]: You’re already shattered and scattered, right? Now put yourself back together, Naomi.
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: See you next week? Hopefully with a few more pieces put together?
[Naomi]: Yeah...maybe...
[Therapist]: And, Naomi, you’re also stronger than you realise.
[Naomi]: …