Therapy 11 pt. 1
SESSION SEVENTEEN
[Therapist]: Alright?
[Naomi]: Yeah, fine.
[Therapist]: How’s college?
[Naomi]: Also fine.
[Therapist]: Feeling prepared for exa-
[Naomi]: Let’s skip the bullshit niceties. I want to talk about Emily.
[Therapist]: Okay. What would you like to talk about?
[Naomi]: We’ve been getting along…really well.
[Therapist]: That’s wonderful.
[Naomi]: It could be…but, it’s not exactly, well I mean it is, but it isn’t...I don’t know.
[Therapist]: In what ways is it not wonderful?
[Naomi]: She makes me feel so much. I feel…reckless, impulsive and…
[Therapist]: Out of control?
[Naomi]: Yes.
[Therapist]: And?
[Naomi]: And…you know I hate that. But when she’s around me…I can’t keep my han-or my thoughts to myself.
[Therapist]: I see.
[Naomi]: But it’s not- I mean, it doesn’t seem to be the same with her.
[Therapist]: In what way?
[Naomi]: She always seems so in control. It’s maddening. Before…she was the one after me, she was the one who was pathetically and obviously desperate…but now…
[Therapist]: Now what?
[Naomi]: Like, if we’re sitting together, she can just look at me and smile, and it’s like I’m overcome with... But the whole time I’m going crazy inside, she just keeps sitting there, smiling, or goes right back to her work like it’s not killing her the same way it’s killing me.
[Therapist]: Maybe she’s had more practice.
[Naomi]: What do you mean more practice?
[Therapist]: Holding in her emotions. Hiding how she feels.
[Naomi]: And you think that I haven’t had plenty of practice with that?
[Therapist]: Perhaps not with this specific emotion.
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: She kissed you in middle school, correct?
[Naomi]: Yes.
[Therapist]: So, I’m guessing she’s been holding on to those emotions for a very long time. Learned to hide them, from you, from her sister, from everyone.
[Naomi]: But that’s the thing…she didn’t hide it very well… before. She just didn’t.
[Therapist]: Maybe she felt a certain desperation over something she thought she would never have. And she had less to lose then.
[Naomi]: What? I don’t even know what that means.
[Therapist]: It would appear that she has had feelings for you for a very long time. But you present yourself as very unobtainable, Naomi.
[Naomi]: Yeah, well, maybe because I’m not a fucking object to be wanted and obtained.
[Therapist]: You know what I mean, Naomi.
[Naomi]: So what’s your point?
[Therapist]: Think of it this way, say there is a dog, far across a field, far out of reach.
[Naomi]: Please tell me you are not about to compare me to a dog.
[Therapist]: Naomi…please, just listen to the meaning, not the words, okay?
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: You want to catch that dog, bring him home. You-
[Naomi]: Oh my God!
[Therapist]: You have no idea how to make him listen, make him see you, make him come to you. You are desperate, so you yell loudly, calling to him, and flail your arms to get his attention. What do you have to lose for showing your intentions then? He either will not come or he will run further out of reach, but as he was no where within reach before, you have lost nothing.
[Naomi]: And if it works and he starts towards you?
[Therapist]: If he comes closer, you grow quiet. You coax…gently. You want him to trust you, so you’re patient, because now he is obtainable, within reach. If you make any sudden movements, he will run, and you’ll have lost everything.
[Naomi]: So Emily sees me as some skittish dog? Is that seriously what you’re saying?
[Therapist]: No, my point is that she sees you as someone she has grown to care deeply for and is afraid to lose.
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: I think she is trying to let you go at your own pace. She is letting you come to her when you are ready.
[Naomi]: So basically she’s manipulating me?
[Therapist]: Naomi, would you listen to yourself? I know you don’t really think these things, yet you say them. I think sometimes you are difficult just to be difficult.
[Naomi]: Wow, pulling out the tough love today are we?
[Therapist]: So what is it you are worried about? That Emily doesn’t feel the same way about you that you feel about her? Because I think if you are honest with yourself, Naomi, you know that isn’t true.
[Naomi]: Yeah, okay fine. Whatever. I know. I know.
[Therapist]: Then what is it you are upset by?
[Naomi]: I think…I’m just sick and tired of feeling…needy, stupid and…I can’t stop thinking- I mean, it’s like… I’ve always…I’ve never…
[Therapist]: Felt this way before?
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: How do you feel?
[Naomi]: If I knew that, I wouldn’t be here. … We went camping this weekend.
[Therapist]: You and Emily?
[Naomi]: Everyone.
[Therapist]: Who is everyone?
[Naomi]: Emily, Katie, Effy…a lot of people.
[Therapist]: Did you have fun?
[Naomi]: It was interesting.
[Therapist]: Interesting how?
[Naomi]: A lot of crazy shit happened.
[Therapist]: Like?
[Naomi]: Effy had some shrooms…we all took some.
[Therapist]: And?
[Naomi]: It was insanity.
[Therapist]: I can imagine.
[Naomi]: We almost…when we were tripping. We…
[Therapist]: You almost what?
[Naomi]: We’ve been snogging a lot recently.
[Therapist]: …
[Naomi]: At school, between classes, during lunch. But we never…it never went…there…again.
[Therapist]: Why do you think that is? Do you want it to?
[Naomi]: I didn’t want…No. And she never pressed anything. She never does. When I would push her away, she would stay away.
[Therapist]: …
[Naomi]: But she was angry. Fucking livid really. I could see it in her eyes sometimes, when she’d look at me, like she wanted to fucking slap me. Maybe I wanted her to... Sometimes she’d look at me so broken, that I’d give anything for her to just look at me with rage instead, punch me silly until I couldn’t see for shit anymore. But she never did slap me. And her anger never stopped me…I just wanted her more for it. It made me…so… That’s sick isn’t it? That’s fucked up?
[Therapist]: It probably isn’t the healthiest. For either of you.
[Naomi]: …
Therapy 11 pt. 2