Therapy 10 pt.2
Title: Therapy 10 pt. 2
Rating: PG
Warning: Some swearing.
Disclaimer: I don't own any rights in Skins or the characters, just having some fair use fun.
Summary: Multipart fic starting at the beginning of S. 3. It follows Naomi - diary entries and therapy sessions consisting of 100% dialogue (a bit of a challenge I gave myself - I hope the meaning is still conveyed).
[Naomi]: No! Fucking hell. What the fuck do you want me to say? I made a mess of everything. It’s my fault. Yeah, I fucking “want” her. But I want her on my own terms. I don’t want to have to want her. I want it to be my decision! So far it hasn’t been my decision. I just want a little fucking control over my own life, is that so much to ask?
[Therapist]: Do you ever initiate?
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: If you initiate, you would be in control of the situation, wouldn’t you?
[Naomi]: No.
[Therapist]: Why not?
[Naomi]: Because I’m still not in fucking control. I can’t help it. I can’t help that I want her. I can’t…
[Therapist]: You could choose to stop fighting it. You could choose to let things happen. That would be your choice, your control.
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: When you choose to let your guard down, you enjoy yourself, do you not?
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: You are able to laugh.
[Naomi]: …Have intellectual conversations.
[Therapist]: Learn new things.
[Naomi]: …Share things.
[Therapist]: It feels nice to be able to do that, doesn’t it?
[Naomi]: Maybe.
[Therapist]: Wouldn’t you like to be able to do that all the time, with everyone?
[Naomi]: No.
[Therapist]: Why not?
[Naomi]: Not everyone is Emily.
[Therapist]: Not everyone understands you the way Emily does.
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: Maybe because they don’t know you? Because you’ve never let them see you?
[Naomi]: Emily didn’t need that. She still saw me, got me.
[Therapist]: Emily is special.
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: Have you told Emily any of this? How she makes you feel?
[Naomi]: It’s not like that.
[Therapist]: Like what?
[Naomi]: Whatever it is you’re trying to imply about my ‘feelings’.
[Therapist]: I wasn’t trying to imply anything.
[Naomi]: I told her she makes me happier, less lonely.
[Therapist]: When was this?
[Naomi]: After…after we…
[Therapist]: So awhile ago.
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: Have you spoken about how she makes you feel since? Has she spoken about how you make her feel?
[Naomi]: No.
[Therapist]: Why not?
[Naomi]: I don’t like those conversations.
[Therapist]: I know. But sometimes they need to be had.
[Naomi]: Things are fine the way they are.
[Therapist]: For whom?
[Naomi]: For me.
[Therapist]: And Emily?
[Naomi]: She hasn’t complained.
[Therapist]: Maybe she’s afraid to push, afraid she’ll make you run and lose you forever.
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: Would she? Make you run if she expressed discontent for the way things currently are?
[Naomi]: I don’t know.
[Therapist]: If you don’t know, she probably doesn’t know either. Maybe she’s scared.
[Naomi]: Well so am I!
[Therapist]: It is a scary thing, caring, learning to put someone else ahead of you.
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: …
[Naomi]: She knows what she does to me, she has to.
[Therapist]: Why?
[Naomi]: Because…it’s…obvious.
[Therapist]: That you care about her?
[Naomi]: Well…not…
[Therapist]: Then that you are sexually attracted to her?
[Naomi]: Maybe. Maybe more that than…
[Therapist]: But you do care?
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: Maybe a little?
[Naomi]: A bit… maybe.
[Therapist]: Does she know that?
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: Have you done anything to show her that you care…a bit?
[Naomi]: I don’t know.
[Therapist]: Do you want her to know you care?
[Naomi]: …Maybe not.
[Therapist]: Because that gives her power?
[Naomi]: She already knows what she does to me; she doesn’t get to be happy about it, too.
[Therapist]: Maybe she feels the same way.
[Naomi]: What do you mean?
[Therapist]: Maybe she feels as out of control as you do. Maybe you do to her what she does to you. Maybe she wishes she could stop feeling the way she does about you.
[Naomi]: …oh.
[Therapist]: What’s wrong?
[Naomi]: Nothing.
[Therapist]: Does it upset you to consider that possibility?
[Naomi]: No…
[Therapist]: …
[Naomi]: If--if she wished that…she’d fight it more.
[Therapist]: Would she? You’ve given me the impression that she is rather passive about things like that.
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: Does she initiate?
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: Ever?
[Naomi]: Well, I mean, she’s not stupid, okay? She knows. She could stop me, but she wants…she wants…it’s…obvious.
[Therapist]: But stopping you would be fighting. I asked if she initiated, sought it out.
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: So maybe she’s just as lost and confused by all of this as you are?
[Naomi]: I’m not lost.
[Therapist]: Just confused then.
[Naomi]: Whatever.
[Therapist]: If that is the case, is it fair to her?
[Naomi]: Is what fair?
[Therapist]: You said that she knows what she does to you, but you don’t want her to be happy about it. Would you feel that way if all of this was just as hard for her?
[Naomi]: …
[Therapist]: Would you?
[Naomi]: I don’t know.
[Therapist]: Might she deserve to know how you feel?
[Naomi]: I don’t even know how I feel!
[Therapist]: …
[Naomi]: I don’t know, okay? I just don’t… know.
[Therapist]: That’s fine, Naomi. That’s why you are here. So you can hopefully figure that out, make sense of everything.
[Naomi]: …I’m tired.
[Therapist]: It’s been a long morning.
[Naomi]: Can I go?
[Therapist]: Of course. Thank you, Naomi.
[Naomi]: Yeah.