(no subject)
I am definitely in a depressive state, or at least, transitioning into one.
My emotions are beyond out of control and are absolutely ruling me into being irrational. I have been overwhelmed with SI urges and I have come so fucking close to acting on them, it's stupid.
I LEA'd out of work after sobbing for an hour in my cubicle and planning my suicide. I put in a request to leave early so I could come home and cut myself. Luckily it takes about an hour for leave-early-requests to be approved and by the time I left I had become rational enough to recognize that I absolutely could not cut myself again.
I am flying off the handle about things that would usually only make me slightly uncomfortable or minimally upset, but for the past week everything has felt like the end of my existence and I can't imagine how I'm going to get through months of this.
I have to.
I know I have to.
But I don't know how.
I am horrified by my ability to plan every detail of my suicide and feel so sure of it; when I slip out of that mindset I am scared as fuck because if I had been in a situation where I could have followed through, I think I might have. I think I might. And I don't know what to do with that. Depressive episodes can last months and I can't just count on being at work or having someone with me whenever my brain goes there and I don't know what to do.
Generally when I'm feeling this overwhelmed I use pot as my anxiety medication and I calm down and relax and don't feel like killing myself, but I haven't been able to because I'm getting drug tested this week and I can't not pass or I'll have to go to court for my _last_ suicide attempt.
I may not be actively slicing myself open right now,
but this cycle is killing me.
//.stardust
[T
he problem poets have is that we really just want to live inside a poem. W
e want our lives to be like the ink on pages, we want bruises on our kneecaps and kisses on our foreheads so we can have love and pain in equal measures]
My emotions are beyond out of control and are absolutely ruling me into being irrational. I have been overwhelmed with SI urges and I have come so fucking close to acting on them, it's stupid.
I LEA'd out of work after sobbing for an hour in my cubicle and planning my suicide. I put in a request to leave early so I could come home and cut myself. Luckily it takes about an hour for leave-early-requests to be approved and by the time I left I had become rational enough to recognize that I absolutely could not cut myself again.
I am flying off the handle about things that would usually only make me slightly uncomfortable or minimally upset, but for the past week everything has felt like the end of my existence and I can't imagine how I'm going to get through months of this.
I have to.
I know I have to.
But I don't know how.
I am horrified by my ability to plan every detail of my suicide and feel so sure of it; when I slip out of that mindset I am scared as fuck because if I had been in a situation where I could have followed through, I think I might have. I think I might. And I don't know what to do with that. Depressive episodes can last months and I can't just count on being at work or having someone with me whenever my brain goes there and I don't know what to do.
Generally when I'm feeling this overwhelmed I use pot as my anxiety medication and I calm down and relax and don't feel like killing myself, but I haven't been able to because I'm getting drug tested this week and I can't not pass or I'll have to go to court for my _last_ suicide attempt.
I may not be actively slicing myself open right now,
but this cycle is killing me.
//.stardust
[T
he problem poets have is that we really just want to live inside a poem. W
e want our lives to be like the ink on pages, we want bruises on our kneecaps and kisses on our foreheads so we can have love and pain in equal measures]