And Now Folks....
2:50 am July 2, 2008
I find that a little appreciation goes a long way. I have been trying and trying for a few years now to figure out what it is that drives me to travel and go to concerts and talk to people and all of this. I know there are the obvious things such as I love traveling. I want to see my country and my world and have all of it for me. All the wonderful vivid memories of the Field Natural History Museum and Time Square, of The Garden District and Sunset Boulevard, I made them mine for a few hours and those few hours will live on in my mind for the rest of my life along with every emotion attached, good and bad.
But I know that that’s only part of it. That’s only the icing on the cake really, a nice by product. I also love seeing the shows, being in the crowd, showing support for the bands and their music and how it’s impacted my life for whatever reason. There’s a lot of people that I love in my life I met doing all of this. My extended family has grown so much in the last few years that I know anywhere I am I will have someone that has my back. New York, Chicago, DC, Columbus, Kokomo, Delaware, Miami, San Diego, Phoenix it doesn’t matter, I have people I have laughed, loved, cried and bled with that I would step into traffic for and they’d do the same for me.
But that’s still wasn’t the ‘why’.
Hell, there’ve been more people that I’ve met at these shows that I DIDN’T like that the ones that I did. I don’t like “people” as a general rule, I think they’re stupid sheep with a bad tendency to follow the mindless majority rather than rub two brain cells together long enough to think about what it is they’re actually doing. I certainly haven’t spent all that gas money to meet those fuckers.
But then I was reading something tonight. It was only a few paragraphs taking up a page in a small, independently distributed book written by a friend of mine, and it hit me like a sack of hammers.
Appreciation.
There are very, very few instances in my life that I feel appreciated, mostly because I have such clearly defined, vivid perception of how I think someone should express appreciation and apparently I’ve not been stepping outside my box. I spend so much of my time trying to help people understand how much I appreciate them, and strive for the same in return. Is that a little selfish? Yeah probably, but I don’t strive to make them know I love and appreciate them just to have it in return, I spend energy in other areas trying to accomplish things that garner me what I want. Most of the people I spend my time with are the ones I know appreciate me in some way, my sincerity, my honesty, my sense of humor, etc. Most of those things get me in trouble a lot, but there are a few people who actually seem to have a grasp on the way I see the world, and like me anyway.
But then there’s a larger scale, the big make your heart race because you’re on top of the world at 10 to your heart is shattered into porcelain dust and you want to die at 0 scale. Like when you spent 32 hours in a car, not knowing if you were gonna make it on the money and lack of sleep, not really knowing where you were going or how you were gonna get into the show, but knowing that you had to prove to yourself what you were made of when you set your mind to something, testing your adamantine conviction and all for what? An overdrawn bank account and sleep deprivation? Hell no! For the amazing story and because you knew they would know. Because you KNEW the minute they saw you, IF they recognized you it would all be worth it. Because it’s the only way we could show how much appreciation we had for saving us and bringing us together, and because when they see you and their eyes light up, you know they appreciate you and that’s all you need to go home with a smile on your face and a bounce in your step for the next few months until you have the money to do it all over again.
The last few months have been rough. No job at the moment, the husband lost his, little to look forward to in the ways of concerts and the ever impending bills on the horizon things have left me thin. Not literally, I’m still chubby (which doesn’t help) but I’m working on it and I’ve quit smoking. Go me, but damn I’m bitchy. And then tonight, after drama all day and depressing vibes from everyone, I get to go see my boy Chris.
I met Chris Gutierrez on a whim when my friend Josh and I decided last minute to go to a concert in Chicago. My friend Heather said she had a friend who we could at least take a shower at his house if not crash with for a few hours; we said why not and got his number. So I’d never heard of Hey Chris, some dude who had a blog and a song about him. Big deal, lots of people had blogs. Over the course of the last few years I’ve gotten to know him and I adore Chris. He's outspoken and a sarcastic, opinionated jerk and I love him for it, but even more he's a truly good person. Chris is an inspiration to so many and I see the difference he makes in people lives and carries the torch of hope for so many how never thought they'd find it, busting his balls to live up to the all expectations he assigns himself *genuinely caring* for every face, every kid that comes up to him and even when it scares him he’s living his dream. I envy this, but one day I’ll be there too dammit and I have Chris among many other dear, dear friends to thank for that motivation.
I went into tonight with a foul disposition and a cloud of fuck-the-world-i-hate-you emo over my head hoping that at least seeing my friend who I rarely get to see would brighten my spirits. And it did, no doubt. But it also got me thinking on the why? Why is it that I find myself looking to Chris to make me feel better? Why is it that I have such a hard time being happy when I can’t go see my favorite band in concert or when life is “normal”? Why is it the only joy I find in day to day life is making and drawing things for Amanda and my friends?
Because these are the times I feel the most appreciated, and it’s genuine.
Like I said, selfish? Yeah probably. Fuck it, I don’t care if it’s selfish. It’s at those times in my life that I feel the happiest, to know that someone wants me, wants to be around me, hugs me with squeeze of their own volition, smiles at me winningly and calls me Boo or Frick that I know I can be anything I want to be and I feel like dancing to the car and driving to New York to take Jay and Todd up on that offer for lunch cause I’m just that great. Are those the only times I feel confident? No, I can be fairly self absorbed when I want to be, and in my darkest moments of vanity I hide it really well.
But like tonight those are the moments that I know I’m not fooling myself and I can shout down my insecurities and say “I don’t care how much I weigh, or how many things I wish I could do better, or what they say about me behind my back, I am awesome and can do whatever I want to and succeed because SHE wants to move down here and is my best friend, because HE laughs at my dumb jokes and get my obscure references, THEY believe in me, because THEY love me and I love them back and all I did was be myself!" I think everyone needs those moments, more often than a lot of use would probably like to admit, and when you have a hopelessly low self image, those feelings can become addicting.
One day I'll be able to feel that way on my own a little more often. One day I'll come to terms with the person that stares back at me in the bathroom mirror and I'll be okay with everything that I see, even if it;s not all nice or good, I'll at least accept it and move on. But until that time I have friends, people who love me and believe in me for no other reason than I'm here and breathing, and as long as they can believe for me and express a little appreciation in a hug, a smile or a knowing look every now and then until i can appreciate and believe in myself; I think I might make it.
And I found my “why”. Go me.
I find that a little appreciation goes a long way. I have been trying and trying for a few years now to figure out what it is that drives me to travel and go to concerts and talk to people and all of this. I know there are the obvious things such as I love traveling. I want to see my country and my world and have all of it for me. All the wonderful vivid memories of the Field Natural History Museum and Time Square, of The Garden District and Sunset Boulevard, I made them mine for a few hours and those few hours will live on in my mind for the rest of my life along with every emotion attached, good and bad.
But I know that that’s only part of it. That’s only the icing on the cake really, a nice by product. I also love seeing the shows, being in the crowd, showing support for the bands and their music and how it’s impacted my life for whatever reason. There’s a lot of people that I love in my life I met doing all of this. My extended family has grown so much in the last few years that I know anywhere I am I will have someone that has my back. New York, Chicago, DC, Columbus, Kokomo, Delaware, Miami, San Diego, Phoenix it doesn’t matter, I have people I have laughed, loved, cried and bled with that I would step into traffic for and they’d do the same for me.
But that’s still wasn’t the ‘why’.
Hell, there’ve been more people that I’ve met at these shows that I DIDN’T like that the ones that I did. I don’t like “people” as a general rule, I think they’re stupid sheep with a bad tendency to follow the mindless majority rather than rub two brain cells together long enough to think about what it is they’re actually doing. I certainly haven’t spent all that gas money to meet those fuckers.
But then I was reading something tonight. It was only a few paragraphs taking up a page in a small, independently distributed book written by a friend of mine, and it hit me like a sack of hammers.
Appreciation.
There are very, very few instances in my life that I feel appreciated, mostly because I have such clearly defined, vivid perception of how I think someone should express appreciation and apparently I’ve not been stepping outside my box. I spend so much of my time trying to help people understand how much I appreciate them, and strive for the same in return. Is that a little selfish? Yeah probably, but I don’t strive to make them know I love and appreciate them just to have it in return, I spend energy in other areas trying to accomplish things that garner me what I want. Most of the people I spend my time with are the ones I know appreciate me in some way, my sincerity, my honesty, my sense of humor, etc. Most of those things get me in trouble a lot, but there are a few people who actually seem to have a grasp on the way I see the world, and like me anyway.
But then there’s a larger scale, the big make your heart race because you’re on top of the world at 10 to your heart is shattered into porcelain dust and you want to die at 0 scale. Like when you spent 32 hours in a car, not knowing if you were gonna make it on the money and lack of sleep, not really knowing where you were going or how you were gonna get into the show, but knowing that you had to prove to yourself what you were made of when you set your mind to something, testing your adamantine conviction and all for what? An overdrawn bank account and sleep deprivation? Hell no! For the amazing story and because you knew they would know. Because you KNEW the minute they saw you, IF they recognized you it would all be worth it. Because it’s the only way we could show how much appreciation we had for saving us and bringing us together, and because when they see you and their eyes light up, you know they appreciate you and that’s all you need to go home with a smile on your face and a bounce in your step for the next few months until you have the money to do it all over again.
The last few months have been rough. No job at the moment, the husband lost his, little to look forward to in the ways of concerts and the ever impending bills on the horizon things have left me thin. Not literally, I’m still chubby (which doesn’t help) but I’m working on it and I’ve quit smoking. Go me, but damn I’m bitchy. And then tonight, after drama all day and depressing vibes from everyone, I get to go see my boy Chris.
I met Chris Gutierrez on a whim when my friend Josh and I decided last minute to go to a concert in Chicago. My friend Heather said she had a friend who we could at least take a shower at his house if not crash with for a few hours; we said why not and got his number. So I’d never heard of Hey Chris, some dude who had a blog and a song about him. Big deal, lots of people had blogs. Over the course of the last few years I’ve gotten to know him and I adore Chris. He's outspoken and a sarcastic, opinionated jerk and I love him for it, but even more he's a truly good person. Chris is an inspiration to so many and I see the difference he makes in people lives and carries the torch of hope for so many how never thought they'd find it, busting his balls to live up to the all expectations he assigns himself *genuinely caring* for every face, every kid that comes up to him and even when it scares him he’s living his dream. I envy this, but one day I’ll be there too dammit and I have Chris among many other dear, dear friends to thank for that motivation.
I went into tonight with a foul disposition and a cloud of fuck-the-world-i-hate-you emo over my head hoping that at least seeing my friend who I rarely get to see would brighten my spirits. And it did, no doubt. But it also got me thinking on the why? Why is it that I find myself looking to Chris to make me feel better? Why is it that I have such a hard time being happy when I can’t go see my favorite band in concert or when life is “normal”? Why is it the only joy I find in day to day life is making and drawing things for Amanda and my friends?
Because these are the times I feel the most appreciated, and it’s genuine.
Like I said, selfish? Yeah probably. Fuck it, I don’t care if it’s selfish. It’s at those times in my life that I feel the happiest, to know that someone wants me, wants to be around me, hugs me with squeeze of their own volition, smiles at me winningly and calls me Boo or Frick that I know I can be anything I want to be and I feel like dancing to the car and driving to New York to take Jay and Todd up on that offer for lunch cause I’m just that great. Are those the only times I feel confident? No, I can be fairly self absorbed when I want to be, and in my darkest moments of vanity I hide it really well.
But like tonight those are the moments that I know I’m not fooling myself and I can shout down my insecurities and say “I don’t care how much I weigh, or how many things I wish I could do better, or what they say about me behind my back, I am awesome and can do whatever I want to and succeed because SHE wants to move down here and is my best friend, because HE laughs at my dumb jokes and get my obscure references, THEY believe in me, because THEY love me and I love them back and all I did was be myself!" I think everyone needs those moments, more often than a lot of use would probably like to admit, and when you have a hopelessly low self image, those feelings can become addicting.
One day I'll be able to feel that way on my own a little more often. One day I'll come to terms with the person that stares back at me in the bathroom mirror and I'll be okay with everything that I see, even if it;s not all nice or good, I'll at least accept it and move on. But until that time I have friends, people who love me and believe in me for no other reason than I'm here and breathing, and as long as they can believe for me and express a little appreciation in a hug, a smile or a knowing look every now and then until i can appreciate and believe in myself; I think I might make it.
And I found my “why”. Go me.