Worried.
I haven't written in this journal in a long time, and I haven't felt the least bit bad about it. That's the first thing that I'm going to say. It seems that the majority of the people whose journals I used to read have fallen off of writing in theirs as well. Some of them have moved to BlogSpot or, heaven forbid, Twitter. It seems to me that the last time I wrote in this journal, Twitter wasn't popular yet. Which is funny, because Livejournal says that my last entry was 38 weeks ago, so it hasn't been a year.
So why have I returned to the weblog equivalent of a barren desert (though, dear reader, one that apparently has several rich oases, including you)? Because I need to talk, and I have no one to talk to right now. Don't get me wrong, I am loved, and I love, and there are many people who I could talk to. But most of those people are a phone call away. I made the grave mistake of leaving my bookbag somewhere, and of having my charger in it at the time. So my phone is dead, leaving those who I enjoy speaking to just out of voice's reach. What's more, I have long eschewed things like AOL Instant Messenger, and thus have only my telephone and Facebook to provide the communication I need. And right now, that's just not enough.
So, on to what is bothering me: my school situation. I am in my fifth year of undergraduate study. I am working very hard, and trying to graduate in May. I was double majoring for a while, in French and Classical Voice. Now, through a series of rather unfortunate events, I am just getting the French degree, which is fine. I have accepted it, and understand that it would basically take a year longer to get the music degree too, and six years is way too long to be an undergrad. At the beginning of this year, I was informed that I was ineligible for financial aid because I had dropped too many courses. Not because I'd taken too few, or because I'd done badly, but because I'd signed up for too many, and then adjusted. I filed an appeal, and it was granted. Yay! Then I waited for my aid to show up. It didn't. I waited some more. My illustrious university isn't exactly known for its efficiency. So what happened was I was "purged." What that means is that if a satisfactory portion of your bill is not paid by a certain date, then your registration is removed from the system. I found out that despite the fact that I have thousands of excess dollars in aid waiting for me, Howard will not grant any of it to me until I pay $3,687.90 I owe them for last year. Bear in mind that I have well over $19,000 in aid for this semester alone, and that Howard does not cost more than $12,000 per semester, including housing. They have some rule, which they claim is federal, that they cannot give me this money until after my back balance has already been paid. I have been assured by outside sources that this is not the case, and that my university would be in quite a lot of trouble with the U.S. government should they find out that such a thing is happening. For me, $3,687.90 is tantamount to $1,000,000. I don't have it, and I have no way to get it. I've spoken to everyone from professors to senators about this issue. I'm not asking for the money. I have the money. I'm asking to be reinstated long enough to have my financial aid paid to me so that I can pay my current and back balances and graduate in May.
I'm afraid that this problem is killing me. I'm losing weight, though I can't stop eating. I barely have enough money for food. Hell, I don't have enough money for food. And my foolish pride won't let me ask. Come to that, I've already borrowed money from my parents for food that I can't afford to pay back. When I asked for it, my mother cried. I don't want to go home for Thanksgiving, because if she saw how skinny I've gotten, or how my hair has fallen out due to stress, she would cry some more. I'm not allowed to go to my classes, but I have been anyway. But I'm so stressed out that I can barely get anything done outside of the classroom. My professors have been really good and understanding, but it's very difficult for me to get my work done when I'm returning to my dorm room everyday afraid that I'll find myself locked out. If that were to happen, I wouldn't be able to afford the bus ride back home. It's a scary thing. My life is on hold right now. If I were reinstated, given all my classes back, and allocated all of my financial aid tomorrow, I don't know how much good it'd do, because I haven't been able to take any tests. The LSAT, the GRE, the PRAXIS, all of those things require money that I don't have. The programs to which I want to apply all require transcripts that I can't send. I have no health insurance, I can't borrow books, and my student loans came due this past Friday, because I haven't been officially enrolled in school more than half-time since May. Because of who I am, I know that I won't give up. But the semester ends in less than a month. Every day it's looking less and less like I'll be able to be enrolled this semester. Which means that this one will have been a complete waste. All the work that I've done and I'll that I've gone through will have just been a waste of my time. And I won't graduate until next December. Assuming, of course, that I can be enrolled next semester, because I will have the same problem with the same back balance, plus the cost of my housing this semester.
Things look bad, Internet people. And they don't look like they're going to get any better. And I'm really scared. And sad. If I graduate next December, then I'll have six months before I can start a graduate program, and I really don't want that. I hate being a fifth-year student. Almost everyone I know has graduated already, and when I'm not around the few friends I have left, I feel lonely. I'm afraid that nothing will work out like I want it to. And I find myself being really happy when I don't want to be. That's something I've never been able to control. I always thought that I was an optimist, that I had really good control over my emotions. Now I just think that Perhaps I don't know how to handle being unhappy, so I don't bother. It's frightening.
Is there anything else? I think I've complained about all I can. And these are the problems of a fairly privileged person. I'm not going to starve. I don't think I will. Though I've certainly gone hungry a few times. And I'm not being beaten. My ancestors had to deal with being whipped and sold. I'm just having a hard time finishing up my bachelor's degree. Should I really be complaining? Do I have the right? Does working as hard as I have to get as far I have justify me not being happy with things not going my way when things could be so much worse? After all, I have my health. A lot of people love me. I love them back. I am learning things everyday. I doubt very much that I'm going to end up dropping out of school; I just don't have the mind for it. I refuse. Which is something else. I'm very gifted. Why can't I just be happy with what I've got? Does being capable of so much more warrant such a reaction? Or should I just be fine with my situation, tough it out silently like my ancestors had to, and move on? I guess I don't feel bad about complaining because I am capable. I have the ability. And I have the right to complain. People died so that I could get a degree. Maybe it's not wrong to be upset when I'm not receiving one in the time span that I should.
So why have I returned to the weblog equivalent of a barren desert (though, dear reader, one that apparently has several rich oases, including you)? Because I need to talk, and I have no one to talk to right now. Don't get me wrong, I am loved, and I love, and there are many people who I could talk to. But most of those people are a phone call away. I made the grave mistake of leaving my bookbag somewhere, and of having my charger in it at the time. So my phone is dead, leaving those who I enjoy speaking to just out of voice's reach. What's more, I have long eschewed things like AOL Instant Messenger, and thus have only my telephone and Facebook to provide the communication I need. And right now, that's just not enough.
So, on to what is bothering me: my school situation. I am in my fifth year of undergraduate study. I am working very hard, and trying to graduate in May. I was double majoring for a while, in French and Classical Voice. Now, through a series of rather unfortunate events, I am just getting the French degree, which is fine. I have accepted it, and understand that it would basically take a year longer to get the music degree too, and six years is way too long to be an undergrad. At the beginning of this year, I was informed that I was ineligible for financial aid because I had dropped too many courses. Not because I'd taken too few, or because I'd done badly, but because I'd signed up for too many, and then adjusted. I filed an appeal, and it was granted. Yay! Then I waited for my aid to show up. It didn't. I waited some more. My illustrious university isn't exactly known for its efficiency. So what happened was I was "purged." What that means is that if a satisfactory portion of your bill is not paid by a certain date, then your registration is removed from the system. I found out that despite the fact that I have thousands of excess dollars in aid waiting for me, Howard will not grant any of it to me until I pay $3,687.90 I owe them for last year. Bear in mind that I have well over $19,000 in aid for this semester alone, and that Howard does not cost more than $12,000 per semester, including housing. They have some rule, which they claim is federal, that they cannot give me this money until after my back balance has already been paid. I have been assured by outside sources that this is not the case, and that my university would be in quite a lot of trouble with the U.S. government should they find out that such a thing is happening. For me, $3,687.90 is tantamount to $1,000,000. I don't have it, and I have no way to get it. I've spoken to everyone from professors to senators about this issue. I'm not asking for the money. I have the money. I'm asking to be reinstated long enough to have my financial aid paid to me so that I can pay my current and back balances and graduate in May.
I'm afraid that this problem is killing me. I'm losing weight, though I can't stop eating. I barely have enough money for food. Hell, I don't have enough money for food. And my foolish pride won't let me ask. Come to that, I've already borrowed money from my parents for food that I can't afford to pay back. When I asked for it, my mother cried. I don't want to go home for Thanksgiving, because if she saw how skinny I've gotten, or how my hair has fallen out due to stress, she would cry some more. I'm not allowed to go to my classes, but I have been anyway. But I'm so stressed out that I can barely get anything done outside of the classroom. My professors have been really good and understanding, but it's very difficult for me to get my work done when I'm returning to my dorm room everyday afraid that I'll find myself locked out. If that were to happen, I wouldn't be able to afford the bus ride back home. It's a scary thing. My life is on hold right now. If I were reinstated, given all my classes back, and allocated all of my financial aid tomorrow, I don't know how much good it'd do, because I haven't been able to take any tests. The LSAT, the GRE, the PRAXIS, all of those things require money that I don't have. The programs to which I want to apply all require transcripts that I can't send. I have no health insurance, I can't borrow books, and my student loans came due this past Friday, because I haven't been officially enrolled in school more than half-time since May. Because of who I am, I know that I won't give up. But the semester ends in less than a month. Every day it's looking less and less like I'll be able to be enrolled this semester. Which means that this one will have been a complete waste. All the work that I've done and I'll that I've gone through will have just been a waste of my time. And I won't graduate until next December. Assuming, of course, that I can be enrolled next semester, because I will have the same problem with the same back balance, plus the cost of my housing this semester.
Things look bad, Internet people. And they don't look like they're going to get any better. And I'm really scared. And sad. If I graduate next December, then I'll have six months before I can start a graduate program, and I really don't want that. I hate being a fifth-year student. Almost everyone I know has graduated already, and when I'm not around the few friends I have left, I feel lonely. I'm afraid that nothing will work out like I want it to. And I find myself being really happy when I don't want to be. That's something I've never been able to control. I always thought that I was an optimist, that I had really good control over my emotions. Now I just think that Perhaps I don't know how to handle being unhappy, so I don't bother. It's frightening.
Is there anything else? I think I've complained about all I can. And these are the problems of a fairly privileged person. I'm not going to starve. I don't think I will. Though I've certainly gone hungry a few times. And I'm not being beaten. My ancestors had to deal with being whipped and sold. I'm just having a hard time finishing up my bachelor's degree. Should I really be complaining? Do I have the right? Does working as hard as I have to get as far I have justify me not being happy with things not going my way when things could be so much worse? After all, I have my health. A lot of people love me. I love them back. I am learning things everyday. I doubt very much that I'm going to end up dropping out of school; I just don't have the mind for it. I refuse. Which is something else. I'm very gifted. Why can't I just be happy with what I've got? Does being capable of so much more warrant such a reaction? Or should I just be fine with my situation, tough it out silently like my ancestors had to, and move on? I guess I don't feel bad about complaining because I am capable. I have the ability. And I have the right to complain. People died so that I could get a degree. Maybe it's not wrong to be upset when I'm not receiving one in the time span that I should.