diet and exercize... a new plan
This portion of my LJ is mostly for me, but I am inviting any of you who are interested in following my progress to join a filter.
I have been inspired by the show The Biggest Loser to take control of my body, get in shape, eat better, lose the weight that I have struggled with for as long as I can remember, take a leap of faith, and work on myself. If dozens of individuals who weigh 200-400+ pounds can do this, then so can I--I have much less to lose, just as much to gain, and all the time in the world right now. This portion of my journal is going to be devoted to my experience, my ups and downs--and it is going to be a place for me to be accountable to myself.
I was a big kid, with out a lot of money, with a lot of hand-me-down cloths that fit in a range of flattering to very much not flattering. I grew up in a family that largely sheltered me from the pressure in the media to be super skinny and all that. But that is not to say that I grew up immune to such images, pressures, or thoughts. At 15 I had an article published in what ammounts to a fat-acceptance magazine, that was a version of my story and my self that I wanted to believe, but inside my head was a very different story. I hated pictures being taken of me, I hated being seen in bathing suits or shorts... I developed a sort of invisibility that worked for and against me. I tried to compensate for my lack of confidence in my appearance by finding things that I could thrive at and pushing my accomplishments and abilities out in front of my image, as things to hide behind.
There were times when I was at Earlham that I had all but stopped eating, subsisting on juice and will power. I justified it to myself by saying that it was because I was so stressed that I didn't have time to eat, I just had to finish the papers and projects and once it was over I could resume a more sustainable life... I was lucky that [a] it was the end of the school year and I could go home very soon, [b] that while I noticed that I was losing weight, I felt awful and I hated how it was happening because I knew better and [c] that I came out of that time with stellar projects and papers that blew my professors away, recentering my attention on accomplishment and taking it off of the changes in appearance. I went home, forced myself to get better, wrote tortured poetry, and tried to move on.
This is part of the history that is going into my journey, my decision to educate myself about how to be healthy, eat healthy, exercize in the right ways, to learn to use exercize as part of my pain management plan for my arm, and learn to take care of myself the best I can.
I know that what I plan to share in this is not always going to be fun, and that many of you may not want to read about it. That's fine, and I promise that it doesn't hurt my feelings. If you want to see what happens, follow along, or want to be there to cheer me on, leave a comment and I will add you to the filter.
I have been inspired by the show The Biggest Loser to take control of my body, get in shape, eat better, lose the weight that I have struggled with for as long as I can remember, take a leap of faith, and work on myself. If dozens of individuals who weigh 200-400+ pounds can do this, then so can I--I have much less to lose, just as much to gain, and all the time in the world right now. This portion of my journal is going to be devoted to my experience, my ups and downs--and it is going to be a place for me to be accountable to myself.
I was a big kid, with out a lot of money, with a lot of hand-me-down cloths that fit in a range of flattering to very much not flattering. I grew up in a family that largely sheltered me from the pressure in the media to be super skinny and all that. But that is not to say that I grew up immune to such images, pressures, or thoughts. At 15 I had an article published in what ammounts to a fat-acceptance magazine, that was a version of my story and my self that I wanted to believe, but inside my head was a very different story. I hated pictures being taken of me, I hated being seen in bathing suits or shorts... I developed a sort of invisibility that worked for and against me. I tried to compensate for my lack of confidence in my appearance by finding things that I could thrive at and pushing my accomplishments and abilities out in front of my image, as things to hide behind.
There were times when I was at Earlham that I had all but stopped eating, subsisting on juice and will power. I justified it to myself by saying that it was because I was so stressed that I didn't have time to eat, I just had to finish the papers and projects and once it was over I could resume a more sustainable life... I was lucky that [a] it was the end of the school year and I could go home very soon, [b] that while I noticed that I was losing weight, I felt awful and I hated how it was happening because I knew better and [c] that I came out of that time with stellar projects and papers that blew my professors away, recentering my attention on accomplishment and taking it off of the changes in appearance. I went home, forced myself to get better, wrote tortured poetry, and tried to move on.
This is part of the history that is going into my journey, my decision to educate myself about how to be healthy, eat healthy, exercize in the right ways, to learn to use exercize as part of my pain management plan for my arm, and learn to take care of myself the best I can.
I know that what I plan to share in this is not always going to be fun, and that many of you may not want to read about it. That's fine, and I promise that it doesn't hurt my feelings. If you want to see what happens, follow along, or want to be there to cheer me on, leave a comment and I will add you to the filter.