(no subject)
I went to Deliverance, and while I don't think I understand what it means to be delivered, I came out with this, written out for me to take home:
"
To Deliverance
one two three
exposed
alone and not
open to all
dressed in nothing but the hope of deliverance
of humanity
of compassion
of love
of simple caring
promised in eyes
living in voices
breathed in an embrace
one to the other and back again
hope delivered
trust returned
love for love
from beginning to end
"
It is perfect.
On the way home, I sat down at a bus stop. Some people came and shared the space for a while. They asked which bus I was waiting for, and I said none. I would have liked the question "What are you waiting for?" so that I could reply with the word "Deliverance" (or Godot, or a billion other things I suppose). But right now, it is all about Deliverance.
I want to die. Not suicidal or anything, but there's nothing here for me, and it would be a mercy to slip silently from... this. [existence]. I miss. too much. I'm struggling, to persevere, to find some meaning, to create somewhere /inside/ a place that feels ok. But I'm tired, and I'm .tired. of being here, of failure, of worthlessness. I am nothing. I want to be nothing. I don't want to be here anymore.
"
To Deliverance
one two three
exposed
alone and not
open to all
dressed in nothing but the hope of deliverance
of humanity
of compassion
of love
of simple caring
promised in eyes
living in voices
breathed in an embrace
one to the other and back again
hope delivered
trust returned
love for love
from beginning to end
"
It is perfect.
On the way home, I sat down at a bus stop. Some people came and shared the space for a while. They asked which bus I was waiting for, and I said none. I would have liked the question "What are you waiting for?" so that I could reply with the word "Deliverance" (or Godot, or a billion other things I suppose). But right now, it is all about Deliverance.
I want to die. Not suicidal or anything, but there's nothing here for me, and it would be a mercy to slip silently from... this. [existence]. I miss. too much. I'm struggling, to persevere, to find some meaning, to create somewhere /inside/ a place that feels ok. But I'm tired, and I'm .tired. of being here, of failure, of worthlessness. I am nothing. I want to be nothing. I don't want to be here anymore.