(no subject)
I am a waste of a space. I am: a waste of a life. A wasted life. I am: a dis- dishonour? disgrace? neither of those words feel right, a disappointment? to my mother. I am selfish and self-absorbed. Worse I know it, and I still do not change. I am a struggle. I am a difficult person to interact with. I am : too intense, too emotional, too analytical of one's emotions, thoughts, feelings to find normalcy in this regard. I am: difficult. I am: yearning personified ahahahaha. ok well. I am wasting space now; everything I do is wasteful. The food I eat, the things I use, the water, the space, my bit of earth, my bit of space in the world. And the worse of it is, my [family] would be rather upset if I [chose not to exist]. And I don't really know why. Why do you care about people only because you share blood with them? Or because you were forced into sharing your life with them? Sometimes I feel if I didn't have my family, I would be free. I would just leave, and I would never come back. Of course, if I didn't have my family before, I would probably be merely a very messy wellI am messy but worse, of the variety of that stuff we eat. But now: I just wish I really could live alone, and be swallowed up into the carpet of forgetfulness, or the sofa of space of infinite nothingness or other such obsolete things which I am probably without realising meaning that I want to say is that I want to bury my head in the sand and be left alone like that. I don't want to have to deal with life and grown-up stuffs. I don't want to have to be responsible for making bad decisions. I just want to sit down and be swallowed up by the people-eating sofa, or sink into the ground and be swallowed up by the earth. etc. etc. et. cetera. "and in the midst of life we are in debt, etc"