(no subject)
I just watched the show Obsessed on A&E, about people that have different issues with severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder- but it is very interesting- I just so happened to stumble on an episode of a woman who has severe anxiety dealing with death, she felt that she couldn't be away from the phones in her house, because she thought she'd be struck with some type of terminal illness, or freak emergency accident, and needed to be next to a phone at all times to call for help.
Well; For me it was interesting to see it from a Social Worker's point of view.
I've decided to start facing a lot of my social anxiety issues as far as going out in public;
I've always had slight issues with being able to drive myself somewhere just in case I'd start to feel uncomfortable- I'd be able to get myself out of social situation, like a party, or whatever.
If I go out somewhere I usually don't stick around for too long because I start to feel weird.
I start to have a slight panic attack, get really weird hot-flashes of sweat and perspiration but, I am able to channel it into myself with rationalized questions, to see that it's OK, and to be able to see that yeah, maybe I am being irrational.
Well, within the last year it has become increasingly hard for me to go out in big crowds and huge numbers; a lot of it is because, I haven't been feeling comfortable with myself; like I don't fit in. I'm not skinny enough, I'm not the most amazing fashionable, I'm not witty enough, I don't watch enough comedy or know what's all in the news, I've filled my head with matters of art-
poetry-comics-cooking-and weird things like aromatherapy and meanings of Indian trinkets.
So I don't ever know what to talk about.
Also, I have had very weird experiences in the past:
Just to specifically name a few that were down right....weird, basically things that really work on your self-esteem, not that I care about what someone thinks, it's about how I feel in my skin:
1.)"It must suck to be you, to be overshadowed by your pretty friends."
2.)"I thought you were a loner 28 year old with no friends."
3.)"You friend is so hot!"..(followed by a swift walk away in another direction.)
4.)"....."
5.) Not to mention frequent conversations from friends talking about getting together- to ultimately be left uninvited.
6.)Not to mention the French that I met and swooned over for a long while, and really really liked, who ended up not telling me he had a freakin' wife.....
It just seems that, in my case many of times, I have been left in the cold,or felt like a fool, and it just keeps making a whirl of questions swarm crazily inside my head. Am I not funny enough? Do I not fit in? These questions that I never really even cared about- except the way they make me feel within my later interactions with others i meet.
People are so quick to say weird and rude things for their benefit, and size one up, and think it's OK, and have no regard, they don't think about the weight of their words and actions.
Words have the capability to do possibly even the slightest bit of damage- how hard is it for people to understand that?
They say things that I, am generally uncomfortable with.
And I feel that, inside, I can't take to the criticism well.
And I've always been and felt like loser girl next to other girls.
Well, back to the show: The social case worker's/doctors, had to help this woman on exposures: In order for her to gain her footing, they start small, with progression.
She started by just going to the mailbox.
Then on a car ride to the store.
Then to giving up all of her house phones except one.
Then to a job interview.
Then, to her son's basketball game.
Through each of these exposures the social worker guides the patient into the roller-coaster of feelings that happen when experiencing the heightened turn of events;
Pushing them forward, not letting them back down, well, I did this for myself this time. Without a coach.
I feel that all of the girls, which are very few, are all very beautiful and interesting and fun and full of spunk and wit- and I'm, well...me.
Last Thursday my neighbor invited me to go to Kohn's with her and her sister-
I said yeah, of course- and I was really excited to go because there was going to be a henna artist present.
It was two days until we would go- and I started to over analyze; and started to feel that I didn't want to go, and I started to think that, yeah, my neighbor is a model and she's very confident and fun and beautiful- so I was sure that the agents who have been photographing her were going to be there- and who was I going to talk to- and blah blah blah blah all these stupid questions that didn't really make any sense.
So, the Thursday night came and I started to feel weary- and then came the anxiety attack two hours before it was time to go....and I started to think of all these excuses I could say to just stay at home and be in my studio- be comfortable.
I was trying to be extra quiet so my neighbors couldn't hear me-
then I decided I'd get in touch with an old friend to ease my anxiety-
he has been in the same boat before, so I felt ok talking to him about this stuff-
Shortly after Kev called me to see what was up- I explained to him everything-
he basically said I should still go and give it a shot-
which I told myself I'd think about it-
So, I stewed on it for awhile, and told myself that I had other things to do-
I went to the floral department to get Robin some flowers for her birthday-
Took my time, because It was after 9-
which that was when everything was supposed to happen-
so, I figured my neighbor forgot-
I felt so much relief!Thinking that I could just spend the night in.
But, to no avail, I couldn't get out of this-
Everyone was egging me on to "just" go.
So, before i knew it i was in the backseat of my neighbors car-
on my way to this place-
I channeled my energy to a good place-
My neighbors were excited to be there-
So- I went along with it-
Palms sweaty, Heart racing, I scanned the place over-
A bunch of people talking and dancing, playing darts and drinking-
A pregnant girl in a corner doing henna-
and it all sort of intimidated me-
My neighbor and I decided to look at the henna tattoo sample book-
to see what designs we wanted-
I started to get distracted with how i was feeling-
and watching the people around me-
I realized, that although I'm not as high-strung as some of the people on 'Obsessed'
I could use some of those tactics-
in order to slowly start conquering my social anxiety.
I took ten steps to the bar- counted backward-
My heart rate dropped- then-
I reached into my clutch to grab my card to order a moscato-
to only find out I forgot my card on my dresser-
Had a panic attack because I was relying on that drink to loosen me up-
But, my neighbor came to the rescue and bought the first round.
That was very sweet of her.
Apparently her sister decided that she was going to start taking pictures-
for events- which is awesome. but made me feel very awkward and self-conscious.
but, when she aimed the camera toward me, I wanted to cave.
but again, I used the same technique to work myself through it.
what seemed to be a flash of a second, lasted for about 10 in my head;
calm and collected I counted down from 10- and before i knew it, it was done.
All in all there were some bogus people there and some not so bogus people there.
So, now I know how to channel my thoughts into something that isn't so bad-
for me to deal with when i'm uncomfortable going out.
I think too, it's just a combination of all the scenester kids that overrun the area.
Makes me self-conscious, and just bitter and annoyed.
So, I rather not be around it.
Well; For me it was interesting to see it from a Social Worker's point of view.
I've decided to start facing a lot of my social anxiety issues as far as going out in public;
I've always had slight issues with being able to drive myself somewhere just in case I'd start to feel uncomfortable- I'd be able to get myself out of social situation, like a party, or whatever.
If I go out somewhere I usually don't stick around for too long because I start to feel weird.
I start to have a slight panic attack, get really weird hot-flashes of sweat and perspiration but, I am able to channel it into myself with rationalized questions, to see that it's OK, and to be able to see that yeah, maybe I am being irrational.
Well, within the last year it has become increasingly hard for me to go out in big crowds and huge numbers; a lot of it is because, I haven't been feeling comfortable with myself; like I don't fit in. I'm not skinny enough, I'm not the most amazing fashionable, I'm not witty enough, I don't watch enough comedy or know what's all in the news, I've filled my head with matters of art-
poetry-comics-cooking-and weird things like aromatherapy and meanings of Indian trinkets.
So I don't ever know what to talk about.
Also, I have had very weird experiences in the past:
Just to specifically name a few that were down right....weird, basically things that really work on your self-esteem, not that I care about what someone thinks, it's about how I feel in my skin:
1.)"It must suck to be you, to be overshadowed by your pretty friends."
2.)"I thought you were a loner 28 year old with no friends."
3.)"You friend is so hot!"..(followed by a swift walk away in another direction.)
4.)"....."
5.) Not to mention frequent conversations from friends talking about getting together- to ultimately be left uninvited.
6.)Not to mention the French that I met and swooned over for a long while, and really really liked, who ended up not telling me he had a freakin' wife.....
It just seems that, in my case many of times, I have been left in the cold,or felt like a fool, and it just keeps making a whirl of questions swarm crazily inside my head. Am I not funny enough? Do I not fit in? These questions that I never really even cared about- except the way they make me feel within my later interactions with others i meet.
People are so quick to say weird and rude things for their benefit, and size one up, and think it's OK, and have no regard, they don't think about the weight of their words and actions.
Words have the capability to do possibly even the slightest bit of damage- how hard is it for people to understand that?
They say things that I, am generally uncomfortable with.
And I feel that, inside, I can't take to the criticism well.
And I've always been and felt like loser girl next to other girls.
Well, back to the show: The social case worker's/doctors, had to help this woman on exposures: In order for her to gain her footing, they start small, with progression.
She started by just going to the mailbox.
Then on a car ride to the store.
Then to giving up all of her house phones except one.
Then to a job interview.
Then, to her son's basketball game.
Through each of these exposures the social worker guides the patient into the roller-coaster of feelings that happen when experiencing the heightened turn of events;
Pushing them forward, not letting them back down, well, I did this for myself this time. Without a coach.
I feel that all of the girls, which are very few, are all very beautiful and interesting and fun and full of spunk and wit- and I'm, well...me.
Last Thursday my neighbor invited me to go to Kohn's with her and her sister-
I said yeah, of course- and I was really excited to go because there was going to be a henna artist present.
It was two days until we would go- and I started to over analyze; and started to feel that I didn't want to go, and I started to think that, yeah, my neighbor is a model and she's very confident and fun and beautiful- so I was sure that the agents who have been photographing her were going to be there- and who was I going to talk to- and blah blah blah blah all these stupid questions that didn't really make any sense.
So, the Thursday night came and I started to feel weary- and then came the anxiety attack two hours before it was time to go....and I started to think of all these excuses I could say to just stay at home and be in my studio- be comfortable.
I was trying to be extra quiet so my neighbors couldn't hear me-
then I decided I'd get in touch with an old friend to ease my anxiety-
he has been in the same boat before, so I felt ok talking to him about this stuff-
Shortly after Kev called me to see what was up- I explained to him everything-
he basically said I should still go and give it a shot-
which I told myself I'd think about it-
So, I stewed on it for awhile, and told myself that I had other things to do-
I went to the floral department to get Robin some flowers for her birthday-
Took my time, because It was after 9-
which that was when everything was supposed to happen-
so, I figured my neighbor forgot-
I felt so much relief!Thinking that I could just spend the night in.
But, to no avail, I couldn't get out of this-
Everyone was egging me on to "just" go.
So, before i knew it i was in the backseat of my neighbors car-
on my way to this place-
I channeled my energy to a good place-
My neighbors were excited to be there-
So- I went along with it-
Palms sweaty, Heart racing, I scanned the place over-
A bunch of people talking and dancing, playing darts and drinking-
A pregnant girl in a corner doing henna-
and it all sort of intimidated me-
My neighbor and I decided to look at the henna tattoo sample book-
to see what designs we wanted-
I started to get distracted with how i was feeling-
and watching the people around me-
I realized, that although I'm not as high-strung as some of the people on 'Obsessed'
I could use some of those tactics-
in order to slowly start conquering my social anxiety.
I took ten steps to the bar- counted backward-
My heart rate dropped- then-
I reached into my clutch to grab my card to order a moscato-
to only find out I forgot my card on my dresser-
Had a panic attack because I was relying on that drink to loosen me up-
But, my neighbor came to the rescue and bought the first round.
That was very sweet of her.
Apparently her sister decided that she was going to start taking pictures-
for events- which is awesome. but made me feel very awkward and self-conscious.
but, when she aimed the camera toward me, I wanted to cave.
but again, I used the same technique to work myself through it.
what seemed to be a flash of a second, lasted for about 10 in my head;
calm and collected I counted down from 10- and before i knew it, it was done.
All in all there were some bogus people there and some not so bogus people there.
So, now I know how to channel my thoughts into something that isn't so bad-
for me to deal with when i'm uncomfortable going out.
I think too, it's just a combination of all the scenester kids that overrun the area.
Makes me self-conscious, and just bitter and annoyed.
So, I rather not be around it.