Waitin' for a Superman.
The window of opportunity feels like it's closing on me, and so many things are happening so fast. And I'm trying to just find one thing at a time to focus on, but then I feel so guilty for even thinking about myself in this time, but i feel like i don't even know who i am anymore.
Where did i go? I used to be so sure. confident. aware. happy. I feel that I've just started taking it all with a grain of salt, apathy, because i feel like right now, i don't exist.I'm just taking what i can get. I stopped thinking about things i want to do, because i feel like I'm not living for me, and I haven't in quiet some time. Then I feel guilty for making a decision for something that i want to do, or feel that it could be too expensive, and i feel like maybe I'm not really worth it.
Goals that i have set for myself, seem to never follow through, because something else is happening, and I try to focus focus focus, but then i'm let down, almost as if fighting a river upstream, it's not that i ever forget a goal, things just happen. or rundown. and everyone is turning to me for answers to their problems, waiting for me to speak. waiting for me to tell them something. waiting for me to call the shots. at work. with my family. with what little friends i even have left, which is my fault, because i am having social anxiety because i don't feel comfortable in my own skin.
I'm too busy thinking about everything else to think about checking out anything new, let alone to have the desire to do anything new. Thought about riding in a bike race right around my birthday, it's a month away, and I'd have to make major bike modifications, and don't have the time for training, and I'd really like to just save the money.
Some days i just wish i had the time to just be alone, because i care so much about everyone that i would feel a sense of not worrying if i was alone. I know to most people that doesn't make any sense, but i guess it's some form of detachment. When I was in France I didn't have to worry about anyone- it was a time where i truly felt singular- in every sense. Not a single worry, no expectations, no underlying meanings.
This week has just been terribly stressing; and no one can tell that; I am having to call the shots of my mother's household, having to be the bad guy; getting frustrated, because no one will just step in- then my sister calls me from Austin, and needs me to help her out with her college and her apartment and her disability association; I feel bad, because she has done what she can and whole-heartedly tried to work things out on her own, but it seems with her disability; everyone just brushes her aside; I can't even begin to imagine being isolated from everyday life, and just trying to ask for something simple, a caring hand to be shown, some compassion and understanding.
It just gets old is all, seeing people so quick to just shut someone out.
I feel sometimes that not many people show patience and compassion, and that means on both ends, sometimes my fuse is short, and I can't take it, but that usually happens when a lot has been placed upon my plate.
I felt so lost this weekend with my siblings, just needing their help with keeping the house clean; it was as if they had to be told over and over, because they were so busy just staring into their laptops and video games- that they were too busy to see that I was trying to cook, clean the kitchen, do laundry, to do the grocery shopping, then give my mom her medicine, walk with her, help her in the restroom, make sure she was in a comfortable position, and at ease. Then having to call the doctors at MD Anderson to see if there was something they could do because they forgot to prescribe my moms nausea medication, to going to pick up the prescription to helping my mom take a small sponge bath, to cleaning the blood clotted drain lines, to rubbing medication on the wounds, to I fell asleep during a movie we all sat down to watch, It was the one time that I felt a sense that I could breathe. And it's not that I'm complaining about doing this, it's just as if no one notices, and actually takes action on their own to help me. Jobs have to be delegated, I have to be the bad guy, rule enforcer, and everyone seems to be fine with that except me- but I feel like I just keep saying and asking the same things over and over and over. Getting no where- then I have others thinking that I'm not speaking up enough, and I'm trying, but it gets me no-where.
Then I come to work, and my co-workers rely on me for knowledge, and how to do this, and when to do that, and why? and the phone are ringing and I have to have answers for those questions, then I have to help anyone that comes in the office.
Everyone is depending on me, and it just seems so much sometimes.
I just wish people would have a bit more compassion to help out at some point- without me having to say anything. Just to see that someone is in need, shouldn't that be enough?
Where did i go? I used to be so sure. confident. aware. happy. I feel that I've just started taking it all with a grain of salt, apathy, because i feel like right now, i don't exist.I'm just taking what i can get. I stopped thinking about things i want to do, because i feel like I'm not living for me, and I haven't in quiet some time. Then I feel guilty for making a decision for something that i want to do, or feel that it could be too expensive, and i feel like maybe I'm not really worth it.
Goals that i have set for myself, seem to never follow through, because something else is happening, and I try to focus focus focus, but then i'm let down, almost as if fighting a river upstream, it's not that i ever forget a goal, things just happen. or rundown. and everyone is turning to me for answers to their problems, waiting for me to speak. waiting for me to tell them something. waiting for me to call the shots. at work. with my family. with what little friends i even have left, which is my fault, because i am having social anxiety because i don't feel comfortable in my own skin.
I'm too busy thinking about everything else to think about checking out anything new, let alone to have the desire to do anything new. Thought about riding in a bike race right around my birthday, it's a month away, and I'd have to make major bike modifications, and don't have the time for training, and I'd really like to just save the money.
Some days i just wish i had the time to just be alone, because i care so much about everyone that i would feel a sense of not worrying if i was alone. I know to most people that doesn't make any sense, but i guess it's some form of detachment. When I was in France I didn't have to worry about anyone- it was a time where i truly felt singular- in every sense. Not a single worry, no expectations, no underlying meanings.
This week has just been terribly stressing; and no one can tell that; I am having to call the shots of my mother's household, having to be the bad guy; getting frustrated, because no one will just step in- then my sister calls me from Austin, and needs me to help her out with her college and her apartment and her disability association; I feel bad, because she has done what she can and whole-heartedly tried to work things out on her own, but it seems with her disability; everyone just brushes her aside; I can't even begin to imagine being isolated from everyday life, and just trying to ask for something simple, a caring hand to be shown, some compassion and understanding.
It just gets old is all, seeing people so quick to just shut someone out.
I feel sometimes that not many people show patience and compassion, and that means on both ends, sometimes my fuse is short, and I can't take it, but that usually happens when a lot has been placed upon my plate.
I felt so lost this weekend with my siblings, just needing their help with keeping the house clean; it was as if they had to be told over and over, because they were so busy just staring into their laptops and video games- that they were too busy to see that I was trying to cook, clean the kitchen, do laundry, to do the grocery shopping, then give my mom her medicine, walk with her, help her in the restroom, make sure she was in a comfortable position, and at ease. Then having to call the doctors at MD Anderson to see if there was something they could do because they forgot to prescribe my moms nausea medication, to going to pick up the prescription to helping my mom take a small sponge bath, to cleaning the blood clotted drain lines, to rubbing medication on the wounds, to I fell asleep during a movie we all sat down to watch, It was the one time that I felt a sense that I could breathe. And it's not that I'm complaining about doing this, it's just as if no one notices, and actually takes action on their own to help me. Jobs have to be delegated, I have to be the bad guy, rule enforcer, and everyone seems to be fine with that except me- but I feel like I just keep saying and asking the same things over and over and over. Getting no where- then I have others thinking that I'm not speaking up enough, and I'm trying, but it gets me no-where.
Then I come to work, and my co-workers rely on me for knowledge, and how to do this, and when to do that, and why? and the phone are ringing and I have to have answers for those questions, then I have to help anyone that comes in the office.
Everyone is depending on me, and it just seems so much sometimes.
I just wish people would have a bit more compassion to help out at some point- without me having to say anything. Just to see that someone is in need, shouldn't that be enough?