Harriet the Spy/////\\\\\\ Party of 5
I have been feeling so sentimental lately; and a lot of it hinges on changing medical conditions.
In life it's so easy to take a step back and take everything for granted; but, when you've felt the closeness of death linger in front of you; you cherish everything as it comes and you want to hold on so tight; not wanting it to leave your grasp.
I feel so close to my mom at times, that there is no need for words, and there is an utter understanding between us because what we have been through.
When she was in the hospital; I thought then that I would lose my mom. Watching her frail body, almost lifeless, and at the same time, silently freaking out about anytime someone would touch her, or want to run more test on her; I waited and waited and held my breath for so long. And, I can't help but feel; worry, as crazy as it sounds, the strong sting that leaves me held within its enriched sweetness, it's always in the back of my mind: death.
Sunday, we celebrated my brother's 13th birthday, Just Scott, My Mom, Lexy, Ash, John and I; It was so nice, anytime I am around my mom, it could be anywhere; I feel home; a sense of security that doesn't feel like any other feeling; The only thing I can chalk it up to is, assuming the feeling everyone has of their "Mom".
I was so anxious to get to the house to kick off my shoes, and snuggle up to watch TV; or just play video games with my brother, and laughing or just falling in and out of sleep in the living room.
My mom has this way about her, which is so captivating. She’s the only woman that I've known to have such a strong character, and will; she's powerful, and full of life.
She'll run her fingers through your hair, hold your hand, or simply, leave you be; Make you laugh, help you understand all the ways of life; she's so well rounded it's incredible. The only downfall that she has is her weak, frail body. She's so skinny for someone who has birthed 4 children, lived about 3 life times, through thick and thin, I don't know how she can be so strong. I honestly wonder how she has done it sometimes. She had never grounded me, gave me ample freedom, hell, I remember when she found my cigarettes for the first time, she just walked out of the room without a word; but the look on her face was more powerful than any word that could have been uttered. She's weathered more than any life should handle, and with honesty and grace, and compassion and justice, and above all of that; with love.
Unconditional love.
So there we were. The table was set; Pork Chops, Corn on the cob, baked potatoes complete with all the trimmings; rounded out by a salad and deviled eggs and my brother with his Birthday Filet Mignon; and a home-made chocolate birthday cake.
We have a tendency to speak whatever is on our minds, and between my brother's frankness, and my sister's wit; we all end up dying laughing.
I know it sounds so cheesy, but we rarely get together to actually sit and eat a meal. At one point, I literally had to get up to go wipe the tears from my eyes because I was crying so much.
All the while, inside, my body is trembling with such excitement and an overabundance of love; that I'm not sure if other people even feel this way; my heart races, and I hang on every word, and my palms sweat, and I just want to cry, cry so hard, and capture every moment, capture every laugh until it's ringing in my ears in my sleep and I can conjure it up at any given time.
Every smile, like a movie played over and over in my head.
My mom was so excited about digging into the cake that she was rushing eating; we sent my brother upstairs so we could get all the gifts set up. I think this is where I really lost it; the table was set, the presents immaculately placed for someone so special, and the cake looked amazing; my mom came around the corner with the tri-pod, which is unlike her. She Struggled to set up her tri-pod, lit the candles, called my brother downstairs, and as we all kind of stood around dumbfounded, she spoke into the screen, “Today is Sunday, August 2, 2010, and we’re celebrating Ashten’s 13th birthday…..you guysssss….get in the video!”
It seemed so picturesque at the time, I wasn’t lost, and I was well aware of what was happening; it seems that with any and every moment we have together, she is capturing it all, to reflect on, smile about, and relive it.
Every memory I have I store in my head so vividly, I can remember colors, and noises, and seasons, and feelings and numbers; and it’s a non-stop movie inside my head, my favorite movie. Just clips here and there, constantly fading in and out at any given moment. It’s something that I never want to lose, but I just can’t help getting freaked out by it all.
The reason I bring this all up is because, I am doing the same thing as my mother, remembering and reliving, and just trying to find some sort of contentment in what life has brought to us.
But, as of lately, I have been thinking about death, and dying, and changing, and wanting so much more than what I am and what I can give- I just get dizzy and lost in the circles of it all.
I am gravely worried about so much lately; about wanting more, and possibly not being able to gain more, and being tired and not being able to give more, and repression, and changes.
They have found two growths within my mother’s breast- one is non-invasive and has been contained within the ducts, the second one they just found out about last Friday, in which the preformed a biopsy, and met again on Monday to discuss the results and how they are going to go about treatment.
It turns out that the second growth was closer to the sternum that is why it was undetected in the ultra-sound the week prior. There seems to be a portion that is not contained, which they are not sure as to what degree that could be until they perform surgery.
The surgery is going to be August 10, starting at 5am- and I know that at some point here I could be being a little bit overly dramatic with being so specific with times and dates and what not but I am very concerned; this is how it’s going to go down;
The day before the surgery she will have to drink a dye substance in order for it to flow through the skin tissue within her body, the double mastectomy will then be preformed; they will remove any tissue and examine any of the questionable ducts, if they do in fact seem to be infected they will go ahead and remove them as well- they are however wanting, if at all possible, to keep the ducts intact.
If they do find an invasive growth, then they will have to stop the surgery; perform radiation, and then continue on, once the double mastectomy is complete; which should be around 4 hours…
Then the plastic surgeon will step in to perform the reconstructive surgery; they basically gave her two options;
A) to go ahead and have the fake saline boobs placed in; and have another surgery in 10 years to have them re-done or…..
B) Use her own fatty tissue to form new breast tissue that way she won’t have to have any other type of surgery, and there is no harm due to it being her own tissue.
She chose option B, here’s the catch; when this option is preformed they have to do a pre-evaluation of your body to measure which section has the most tissue they are able to work with; in her case they are going to take what they can from her stomach to have this done.
The plastic surgeon will need a total of 6 hours. For the final surgery to be a standing 10 hours.
In my case, I am so worried about it now, so I am a week and 10 hours of worry into this…..
I get worried that there will be some type of complication, or the recovery will be to agonizing; and I can’t bear to see my mom in pain….I will be strong if I have to, just like I did before, but it’s just me holding my breath right now…..and now……and now…….
My mom is doing the right thing in being precautions with all of this cancer business; I have no clue what I would do if one day she suddenly had cancer, and had a slow and painful death. It is just so difficult for me to think about in the coming days, all these thoughts and questions swarming about in my head. I know that my brother and sister will need her for big events in their life, just like I call on her to this day- with a memory, or a question, or her insight.
I worry about my siblings, and I worry about me inheriting them as their care-taker, would I do a good job? Would I be able to provide? My dreams and goals would suddenly cease, and I would be living with new goals; hopefully being able to take it in strides; with grace, just like my mother does; I’d hope that my siblings would not resent me in any decision that would need to be made if anything like this did happen, and I would hope that they would be able to have a sense of understanding; and know that they could come to me with anything that they ever needed, and with every piece of me, I’d offer the best that I could give, placing myself on the back burner, out of love for them, and for my mother- not because I would owe anyone anything; It just happens to be the right thing that I could do.
In life it's so easy to take a step back and take everything for granted; but, when you've felt the closeness of death linger in front of you; you cherish everything as it comes and you want to hold on so tight; not wanting it to leave your grasp.
I feel so close to my mom at times, that there is no need for words, and there is an utter understanding between us because what we have been through.
When she was in the hospital; I thought then that I would lose my mom. Watching her frail body, almost lifeless, and at the same time, silently freaking out about anytime someone would touch her, or want to run more test on her; I waited and waited and held my breath for so long. And, I can't help but feel; worry, as crazy as it sounds, the strong sting that leaves me held within its enriched sweetness, it's always in the back of my mind: death.
Sunday, we celebrated my brother's 13th birthday, Just Scott, My Mom, Lexy, Ash, John and I; It was so nice, anytime I am around my mom, it could be anywhere; I feel home; a sense of security that doesn't feel like any other feeling; The only thing I can chalk it up to is, assuming the feeling everyone has of their "Mom".
I was so anxious to get to the house to kick off my shoes, and snuggle up to watch TV; or just play video games with my brother, and laughing or just falling in and out of sleep in the living room.
My mom has this way about her, which is so captivating. She’s the only woman that I've known to have such a strong character, and will; she's powerful, and full of life.
She'll run her fingers through your hair, hold your hand, or simply, leave you be; Make you laugh, help you understand all the ways of life; she's so well rounded it's incredible. The only downfall that she has is her weak, frail body. She's so skinny for someone who has birthed 4 children, lived about 3 life times, through thick and thin, I don't know how she can be so strong. I honestly wonder how she has done it sometimes. She had never grounded me, gave me ample freedom, hell, I remember when she found my cigarettes for the first time, she just walked out of the room without a word; but the look on her face was more powerful than any word that could have been uttered. She's weathered more than any life should handle, and with honesty and grace, and compassion and justice, and above all of that; with love.
Unconditional love.
So there we were. The table was set; Pork Chops, Corn on the cob, baked potatoes complete with all the trimmings; rounded out by a salad and deviled eggs and my brother with his Birthday Filet Mignon; and a home-made chocolate birthday cake.
We have a tendency to speak whatever is on our minds, and between my brother's frankness, and my sister's wit; we all end up dying laughing.
I know it sounds so cheesy, but we rarely get together to actually sit and eat a meal. At one point, I literally had to get up to go wipe the tears from my eyes because I was crying so much.
All the while, inside, my body is trembling with such excitement and an overabundance of love; that I'm not sure if other people even feel this way; my heart races, and I hang on every word, and my palms sweat, and I just want to cry, cry so hard, and capture every moment, capture every laugh until it's ringing in my ears in my sleep and I can conjure it up at any given time.
Every smile, like a movie played over and over in my head.
My mom was so excited about digging into the cake that she was rushing eating; we sent my brother upstairs so we could get all the gifts set up. I think this is where I really lost it; the table was set, the presents immaculately placed for someone so special, and the cake looked amazing; my mom came around the corner with the tri-pod, which is unlike her. She Struggled to set up her tri-pod, lit the candles, called my brother downstairs, and as we all kind of stood around dumbfounded, she spoke into the screen, “Today is Sunday, August 2, 2010, and we’re celebrating Ashten’s 13th birthday…..you guysssss….get in the video!”
It seemed so picturesque at the time, I wasn’t lost, and I was well aware of what was happening; it seems that with any and every moment we have together, she is capturing it all, to reflect on, smile about, and relive it.
Every memory I have I store in my head so vividly, I can remember colors, and noises, and seasons, and feelings and numbers; and it’s a non-stop movie inside my head, my favorite movie. Just clips here and there, constantly fading in and out at any given moment. It’s something that I never want to lose, but I just can’t help getting freaked out by it all.
The reason I bring this all up is because, I am doing the same thing as my mother, remembering and reliving, and just trying to find some sort of contentment in what life has brought to us.
But, as of lately, I have been thinking about death, and dying, and changing, and wanting so much more than what I am and what I can give- I just get dizzy and lost in the circles of it all.
I am gravely worried about so much lately; about wanting more, and possibly not being able to gain more, and being tired and not being able to give more, and repression, and changes.
They have found two growths within my mother’s breast- one is non-invasive and has been contained within the ducts, the second one they just found out about last Friday, in which the preformed a biopsy, and met again on Monday to discuss the results and how they are going to go about treatment.
It turns out that the second growth was closer to the sternum that is why it was undetected in the ultra-sound the week prior. There seems to be a portion that is not contained, which they are not sure as to what degree that could be until they perform surgery.
The surgery is going to be August 10, starting at 5am- and I know that at some point here I could be being a little bit overly dramatic with being so specific with times and dates and what not but I am very concerned; this is how it’s going to go down;
The day before the surgery she will have to drink a dye substance in order for it to flow through the skin tissue within her body, the double mastectomy will then be preformed; they will remove any tissue and examine any of the questionable ducts, if they do in fact seem to be infected they will go ahead and remove them as well- they are however wanting, if at all possible, to keep the ducts intact.
If they do find an invasive growth, then they will have to stop the surgery; perform radiation, and then continue on, once the double mastectomy is complete; which should be around 4 hours…
Then the plastic surgeon will step in to perform the reconstructive surgery; they basically gave her two options;
A) to go ahead and have the fake saline boobs placed in; and have another surgery in 10 years to have them re-done or…..
B) Use her own fatty tissue to form new breast tissue that way she won’t have to have any other type of surgery, and there is no harm due to it being her own tissue.
She chose option B, here’s the catch; when this option is preformed they have to do a pre-evaluation of your body to measure which section has the most tissue they are able to work with; in her case they are going to take what they can from her stomach to have this done.
The plastic surgeon will need a total of 6 hours. For the final surgery to be a standing 10 hours.
In my case, I am so worried about it now, so I am a week and 10 hours of worry into this…..
I get worried that there will be some type of complication, or the recovery will be to agonizing; and I can’t bear to see my mom in pain….I will be strong if I have to, just like I did before, but it’s just me holding my breath right now…..and now……and now…….
My mom is doing the right thing in being precautions with all of this cancer business; I have no clue what I would do if one day she suddenly had cancer, and had a slow and painful death. It is just so difficult for me to think about in the coming days, all these thoughts and questions swarming about in my head. I know that my brother and sister will need her for big events in their life, just like I call on her to this day- with a memory, or a question, or her insight.
I worry about my siblings, and I worry about me inheriting them as their care-taker, would I do a good job? Would I be able to provide? My dreams and goals would suddenly cease, and I would be living with new goals; hopefully being able to take it in strides; with grace, just like my mother does; I’d hope that my siblings would not resent me in any decision that would need to be made if anything like this did happen, and I would hope that they would be able to have a sense of understanding; and know that they could come to me with anything that they ever needed, and with every piece of me, I’d offer the best that I could give, placing myself on the back burner, out of love for them, and for my mother- not because I would owe anyone anything; It just happens to be the right thing that I could do.