WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER? NO WAIT, WHAT IS NOT WRONG WITH HER?
Why do things try to kick you when you are already down?
Why do people try to hurt you?
Why do we have to change?
Why do we have to go away?
Why do we have to care about others?
Why do we have to love?
Why do we have to hurt?
Why can we not just give up?
Why do people fail to inform you of things?
Why are you sometimes kicked out of the circle?
Why are my "best friends" not talking to me?
Why must we change?
Why must we prove ourselves?
Why do you not care what I am feeling?
Why do you not think about the way your actions hurt others?
Why can I not sleep?
Why can I not eat?
Why did I leave last night?
Why are others hurting right now?
Why do things die?
Why do people die?
Why do feelings die?
Why do you sing?
Why are you the music?
Why do I write music?
Why do you all give a crap about me?
Why at times do people not see me?
Why do you not understand what I am going through right now?
Why do I care?
Why do I not do something about all of this?
Why should you care?
Why should I continue to feel?
Why do I ask all these questions?
I want answers. Write me back with the answers to my questions. I mean really, over the last little while I have not fit in. Now I have to go away and you all get to stay her. I get to leave you all. I get to be all by myself. I get to lock myself back up, like I did when I moved here. I am reminded of a line from the song HOME from Beauty and the Beast the Broadway Musical..."Build higher walls around me, Change every lock and key, nothing lasts, nothing holds, all of me, my hearts far, far away, home and free." Free from this pain. I am going to go away and hide myself from the world. I am going to be forgotten, or at least that is what I feel like. I mean really I go away for a week for a family reunion, where I am left out, and come home where I think I will be welcomed back, but all I get is. Pain! Exclusion! The cold shoulder! But hey that was only one week. Try four months. Then what will I get. No hugs! No hello! No "how are you?". No acknowledgment. No friends. Better that it happen before I leave, right. Better disappear now. You know what, I was going to do two final Quinney things, like doughnuts for zero hour and a goodbye bash, but I do not know anymore. I mean really, like anyone would come and if they did it would be out of pity for this entry, or maybe it is because someone else is coming. Why hold it then? Why let anyone know when I am going to leave? Like anyone would do anything about it.
Now you all get to see a different side of Quinney. They side that she hides. Her fears! Her stress! Her pain! Her anger! Maybe my mom is right. I do need to see a councilor. I mean really this is probable crazy talk, but that is how I have been feeling. And every time I do feel better about it all something comes along to ruin it. Something happens, something bad, something that haves me feel worthless. Yeah, Quinney can feel worthless. She normally does. Why do you think that I did all the things I did the last few years. I was trying to seek all of your respect and approval, but look what that got me. No where! No wait, to this point of sadness and sorrow. Go me! Mark one up for the home team.
But even though I feel alone right now if you ever need anything you can call on Quinney for help. And you will then only see cheery Quinney. The one who always acted more like a mother than a teen. The one who was willing to sacrifice for you. The one who would get you anything. The one who was willing to take all of the blame. The girl who wanted to be a part of you, but never was able to succeed, no matter what she did. The girl who was willing to give up her ownself for the satisfaction of others. The girl who would still drop everything she was doing and would give up everything so that she could help the people that she had the privilege to call friends.
Sorry this is long, but I had to write it. I needed to get these things off of my chest. I can write better than I can talk. Also, this way I do not have to look all of you in the eyes, and see your reaction, and wonder why I even said what I did. You all did not need to know this, but I needed to know this. On a lighter note, I wrote one last song and it was about all of you, or at least what I know you are some of the times. I will have to let you hear it. It has some really pretty and different chords. Also, the power went off at work today. They nearly closed the store. It was cool. The reunion was cool. If you want to her, then actually call me and ask. I would really like that. I need that. Well, it is late and I must try to sleep, but I will probably have no success, like I do in most things. Good night and I am sorry again if I offended anyone. That is not my intentions at all. My intention is to let you know how I am feeling and why I have been the way I have been. I am also trying to explain my actions.
Why do people try to hurt you?
Why do we have to change?
Why do we have to go away?
Why do we have to care about others?
Why do we have to love?
Why do we have to hurt?
Why can we not just give up?
Why do people fail to inform you of things?
Why are you sometimes kicked out of the circle?
Why are my "best friends" not talking to me?
Why must we change?
Why must we prove ourselves?
Why do you not care what I am feeling?
Why do you not think about the way your actions hurt others?
Why can I not sleep?
Why can I not eat?
Why did I leave last night?
Why are others hurting right now?
Why do things die?
Why do people die?
Why do feelings die?
Why do you sing?
Why are you the music?
Why do I write music?
Why do you all give a crap about me?
Why at times do people not see me?
Why do you not understand what I am going through right now?
Why do I care?
Why do I not do something about all of this?
Why should you care?
Why should I continue to feel?
Why do I ask all these questions?
I want answers. Write me back with the answers to my questions. I mean really, over the last little while I have not fit in. Now I have to go away and you all get to stay her. I get to leave you all. I get to be all by myself. I get to lock myself back up, like I did when I moved here. I am reminded of a line from the song HOME from Beauty and the Beast the Broadway Musical..."Build higher walls around me, Change every lock and key, nothing lasts, nothing holds, all of me, my hearts far, far away, home and free." Free from this pain. I am going to go away and hide myself from the world. I am going to be forgotten, or at least that is what I feel like. I mean really I go away for a week for a family reunion, where I am left out, and come home where I think I will be welcomed back, but all I get is. Pain! Exclusion! The cold shoulder! But hey that was only one week. Try four months. Then what will I get. No hugs! No hello! No "how are you?". No acknowledgment. No friends. Better that it happen before I leave, right. Better disappear now. You know what, I was going to do two final Quinney things, like doughnuts for zero hour and a goodbye bash, but I do not know anymore. I mean really, like anyone would come and if they did it would be out of pity for this entry, or maybe it is because someone else is coming. Why hold it then? Why let anyone know when I am going to leave? Like anyone would do anything about it.
Now you all get to see a different side of Quinney. They side that she hides. Her fears! Her stress! Her pain! Her anger! Maybe my mom is right. I do need to see a councilor. I mean really this is probable crazy talk, but that is how I have been feeling. And every time I do feel better about it all something comes along to ruin it. Something happens, something bad, something that haves me feel worthless. Yeah, Quinney can feel worthless. She normally does. Why do you think that I did all the things I did the last few years. I was trying to seek all of your respect and approval, but look what that got me. No where! No wait, to this point of sadness and sorrow. Go me! Mark one up for the home team.
But even though I feel alone right now if you ever need anything you can call on Quinney for help. And you will then only see cheery Quinney. The one who always acted more like a mother than a teen. The one who was willing to sacrifice for you. The one who would get you anything. The one who was willing to take all of the blame. The girl who wanted to be a part of you, but never was able to succeed, no matter what she did. The girl who was willing to give up her ownself for the satisfaction of others. The girl who would still drop everything she was doing and would give up everything so that she could help the people that she had the privilege to call friends.
Sorry this is long, but I had to write it. I needed to get these things off of my chest. I can write better than I can talk. Also, this way I do not have to look all of you in the eyes, and see your reaction, and wonder why I even said what I did. You all did not need to know this, but I needed to know this. On a lighter note, I wrote one last song and it was about all of you, or at least what I know you are some of the times. I will have to let you hear it. It has some really pretty and different chords. Also, the power went off at work today. They nearly closed the store. It was cool. The reunion was cool. If you want to her, then actually call me and ask. I would really like that. I need that. Well, it is late and I must try to sleep, but I will probably have no success, like I do in most things. Good night and I am sorry again if I offended anyone. That is not my intentions at all. My intention is to let you know how I am feeling and why I have been the way I have been. I am also trying to explain my actions.