(no subject)
This last little while has been just that. Where shall I start? Let me see!
Coming back to BYU!-
I was so excited to come back, but sad to have to leave home again. I came back to cold weather. But I was able to survive. My mom came with me, but only to say goodbye to my grandma.
Grandma Leaving-
My grandma, aka my closest friend up here, left for Brazil in January. She is going on a mission for my church for 18 months. Scary thought. My grandma in Brazil by herself for 18 months and none of us can see her. I thought that I would not even get to talk to her for that long time, but in that case I was wrong. I get to IM her every so often and get to email her. That is nice.
Housing-
I have been worried about where I am going to live next year. I do not even know where I am going to live next year either. I have to decide fast, but am getting very little help. I have never had to do this before. I have never had to go and find me a home. What is important in an apartment? What is really needed? What is it going to be like? How am I going to pay for it?
Moving-
The paying thing ties me into the next part of my story. My family is moving to Utah in the fall. So, I will not be around AZ as much. This whole thing has mixed emotions tied to it. I know that it is the right thing for my family to do. They need to be up here. I need them to be up here next year. It will be really nice for me to get to see them more. It will also be a sad event. No more warm weather. No more coming back to visit. No more visiting choir. No more Starbucks (non-coffee stuff that is). No more Barro's! No more Mexican Food. No more hanging out with the guys. No more Denny's. It is weird. I might be able to come and visit, but rarely and only for a short while.
Next Summer-
Another problem. I do not know where I will be who I will be around. I do not know if I will be able to get a job or pay for college. I have so many things that I could do. I could work in AZ if my family stays. I could go down to Brazil and maybe teach piano with my grandma. I could travel all over the east-coast. I could live with my dad in Virginia. I could go to New York and live with my aunt and work for a relative in his law-firm. I do not know what lies ahead of me, and that is scary for me.
Courage-
I have been upset with some people lately, but that is not the point. I have been starting to stand up for myself. I have felt that I have been a push-over too much in my life. I let people make me feel awful and I could not handle it anymore. I have grown closer to some friends and started to pull away from others. I have started to see that I need to re-evaluate my life and my friendships. For example, last month I had a conversation redefining what the word friend means. I was upset at someone because of something that they did to me, but probably did not know that it hurt me. I had a long conversation about what their definition of best friend was and realized that I wanted more out of the word than the other person did. But I was better able to understand them and they me. It was very good and we are still great friends and will continue that way.
Birthday-
I turned old. Well, at least older that is. It was nice to hear from some of my friends on my birthday, but I was sad that I did not hear from all of them. I did have a wonderful birthday though. I loved getting the Choir Birthday Song sung to me. The night before I actually got the call I was in my bed dreaming about what would make that day great. I dreamed that I got a call from Schola and they sang to me. It was great. And then to have it actually happen the next day was even better. I think that some people where in my dreams the night before and saw that I needed it really badly.
School-
School has been crazy and fun. I have had a lot to do, but I am handling it very well. It is nice to have people that I know in my classes too.
Regional-
I was able to hear about how Regionals went for people. I was happy to hear about all those that made it, but it was sad to hear of those that did not. That was another roller coaster over these past few weeks. I wished that I could have been there to help people. I wished that I was there to comfort those that did not make it. I wished that I could have done it again. I wished that I was back in high school. I wished that I was able to play for people. But most of all I was proud that people tried. Bitter Sweet as some people might say.
Depression-
I have felt very out of place here lately. I do not know exactly why, but I do. Maybe it is because bad things are happening to people that I really care about. Maybe it is because I am tired of feeling alone. I might also be because I feel that I have no really close friends up here since my grandma left, but no matter what it is I am feeling awful to be me. I have gone and tried to meet people, but to no avail. When I try to talk to people, they turn and walk away. I have felt that I am not good enough to be here with these people. It was making me feel so awful, but I decided to take a stand and try to get to know people. So I asked a group of people if they wanted to go to the Jon Schmidt concert with me. They said yes, but cancelled on me later that day saying that they where busy. Busy, as I later found out, meant that they had decided that they would rather ditch me to go on this big floor group date that I was in no way invited to.
Ray of Sunshine-
Now, when ever things are going bad there is always that ray of light that will soon come. This past week was that ray of light. On my way to my first class of the day, I ran into this kid that was going to put on the Jon Schmidt concert that weekend. It was really nice finally having some one talk to me. I also was invited by a girl on my floor to go with her and some other girls to dinner for another girl’s birthday on Saturday. My English teacher also cancelled class. It was so nice. Not having to go to a class that I am not good at is a wonderful thing, but better things came from it. That day as I was walking down the hill toward my house I ran into my “brother”. Well, he is my fake brother in my fake family. It is really cool to have a fake brother like that. Well, he asked me what I was up to. I said that I was on my way to breakfast and he asked if he could come too. It was nice to not have to eat alone like I normally do. Then another one of his friends came over and ate with us. It was wonderful. I actually talked to people and them to me. They did not just walk away. It was cool. I needed it that day. I also really enjoyed the dinner for the girl on my floor. I found out that she was going to move into the apartments that I was looking into moving in next semester. So now I know someone that I can visit when I am there.
Boys!-
Now this here is a wonderful subject. More Rays of Sun! There are actually two boys that I would like to tell you about. One is the kid that I was talking about earlier; the one that I talked to about the concert is one of those boys. He is very smart and very musically talented. He wants to become a Lawyer and go to Harvard. He also can sing, play piano, play organ, conducts church choir, accompany, arrange music, and compose music. He is also very cute and very sweet. He is very organized and is a great leader. The other is the guy that I liked before winter break. He is also very smart. He is a computer-wiz. He is going to be a Philosophy major. He is also very nice and sweet. He is very organized and very compassionate. So, these are the two boys. I have to story but I will post that later. It is a really good one!
Death-
I got a call Saturday morning. My great aunt Joan died. Her death was sudden. I attended the funeral services Monday and Tuesday. They where long services. It was very sad. I cried, but when do I not cry. It was nice to see how the family’s reaction to the loose. They seemed to take it really, really well. They where joking. They knew that she was happy. I knew too, but it was hard to see my great uncle alone. He is so old and now has no one to watch over him. He loved her so much. You could tell it by the look in his face. He put things in her coffin so that she could have things to remember his family by. It was so touching. There was a heart locket with a family picture in it, a rubber ducky, a family history, and a tooth-fairy. They also talked about my grandpa that died two years ago. It was touching to hear what they had to say about it. I did not really realize how much I miss him until this. It was hard to go to the cemetery where my grandpa was buried and bury another family member. I think that it was easier to handle because my mom and all my aunts and uncles where also there. It was nice to see them, but still I had a hard time. Oh, I also hurt my leg that day. I took the skin off my shin, but that is nothing new. I always hurt myself.
Chelsea-
This has been another happy but sad thing. My sister turned eight. I was not able to be there for her birthday. Eight years old is a big deal in our family. She is also my mini-me. I love her so much. I got to talk to her the last day that I talked to my grandma. I cried so hard. I missed my sister so much. Well, this month she is getting baptized. I am so excited. I was also sad because I could not be there, but my parent’s have decided this week to let me come. I will be in AZ in about two weeks for a weekend.
So that is how I have been. That is what my roller coaster ride has been. But in life we have to take the good with the bad.