stuff...
Thats see I just wanted to get this out there I think High School drama is completely and totally RETARDED! Honestly people can't we all just get along and see things from other people's perspectives?!
Anyway I've been visiting my Mom on a regular everyday basis now and she has her good days and her bad. Today I did her nails, while doing so I noticed that her movements slowed down and for her to get up and move around requires a ton of energy and makes her wheezy and extremely difficult to breath. I honestly have no idea sometimes how I am able to write all this stuff and not feel much of anything I feel numb to whats going on I guess not oblivious sure I know whats going to happen but my brain has selected the keyword happen as in the future tense like some far off distant thing I suppose. I guess I keep putting off the inevitable by going day by day and hour by hour moving one step at a time knowing full well another day is another day gone. I know whats going to happen I really do but my brain is not letting it sink in its some defense mechanism I have made for myself this denial which I don;t want I'd give anything to feel sometimes .... its bizarre... People are bizarre how we are or aren't able to cope and grieve. I really don't understand me how the hell I am able to get out of bed and roam the school there are days when I feel like an emotionless robot. People ask me how my mother is doing and I just blurt out how shes is truly doing sometimes sugar coated to save the tears cause there are days when I am to tired to cry, I just tell them without emotion. I really can't put words to my feelings other then blank and empty I just to feel much of anything anymore just observe things and watch the passing time. I never thought the pass of a day and watching a clock could effect someone so terribly but the clock is the hourglass slowly emptying.. the borrowed time leaving us.
~*~Bea~*~
Anyway I've been visiting my Mom on a regular everyday basis now and she has her good days and her bad. Today I did her nails, while doing so I noticed that her movements slowed down and for her to get up and move around requires a ton of energy and makes her wheezy and extremely difficult to breath. I honestly have no idea sometimes how I am able to write all this stuff and not feel much of anything I feel numb to whats going on I guess not oblivious sure I know whats going to happen but my brain has selected the keyword happen as in the future tense like some far off distant thing I suppose. I guess I keep putting off the inevitable by going day by day and hour by hour moving one step at a time knowing full well another day is another day gone. I know whats going to happen I really do but my brain is not letting it sink in its some defense mechanism I have made for myself this denial which I don;t want I'd give anything to feel sometimes .... its bizarre... People are bizarre how we are or aren't able to cope and grieve. I really don't understand me how the hell I am able to get out of bed and roam the school there are days when I feel like an emotionless robot. People ask me how my mother is doing and I just blurt out how shes is truly doing sometimes sugar coated to save the tears cause there are days when I am to tired to cry, I just tell them without emotion. I really can't put words to my feelings other then blank and empty I just to feel much of anything anymore just observe things and watch the passing time. I never thought the pass of a day and watching a clock could effect someone so terribly but the clock is the hourglass slowly emptying.. the borrowed time leaving us.
~*~Bea~*~