trying to be positive
I'm sick of being sick. I just want everything to be over with. I hate going to the doctors... and having dozens of people look at me, not knowing what is wrong. Sick of the chronic bronchtis, chronic sinusitis, asthma, allergies to everything, fibromyalgia. Plus now the MONO on top of it all isn't helping. Everyone seems to be either really happy with their stuff pulled together right now or the opposite. I feel like I'm falling more and more apart each day.
I am no longer a "patient" at the Pediatric Plumonologist CFF ward of SUNY upstate hospital. I was referred there when they though I had Cystic Fibrosis. Thankfully, I don't- but they still don't know what exactly is up. I hate hospitals. Everytime I go... they loose something and don't have my file toegther because there are too many tests. I'm either known as "oh, the college kid"- at the pediatric place, or "OHHHH you're YOU"- at health services. They see me and identify me by all my aliments.
Last time I went to the hospital I was there for a good three hours. I mean that's normal. But I felt like hell. Lying there, hearing sick children cry outside my room/ parents bitch about being tired. I was so out of it, when one of my nurses came in, after I had all the Oxygen tests, weight, etc. And he was like what's wrong with you? Me: Just tired. So then he goes and does all those annoying breathing tests and goes on to ask why I have OCD. And tries to play psychiatrist. I just don't feel well. And am sick of people right now.
I've always been introverted and hate it. No one gets me- I feel like most of the time. Then I feel like I have to explain myself, just because of the looks I'm given.
I go to have my Mono checkup on Tuesday... we'll see what they want to do then. Usually multiple nurses come in and look at me- go in the hall, discuss me and not know what to do. They contemplate putting me inpatient... but you basically you have to be on your death bed to be put in overnight. So they'll keep me until they feel I am "okay" to go home. Then tell me to come back in 2 days or to go to a different doctor.
I'm so fed up with it all!! Plus the end of the semester... sooo far behind in my classes.
I'm over generals- but am afraid that the faculty just sees me as a sick girl who always has something wrong with her. I do not want that to be my identity; Don't want to be identified by my ailmetns. I try to act as if I am okay, but half the time I know people know I am screwed up.
I just don't get people lately. Or myself. I think once I am healthy again, then I can maybe figuring stuff out. Who knows. It's hard being stuck in the dorm and not being allowed to go out like my friends do... it's nice to stay in, but not ALL the time. It's reminding me of what my mom has to endure everyday of her life, then I feel bad for feeling the way I do. I mean, she has it much worst.
And people who feel like they are "dying" over a mere cold. Sorry, but please don't come bitching to me about being sick for a week. Try 6 months of in and out of hospitals and not knowing WTF is up.
I do appreciate those who have been supportive. And Marg- I've been wearing your positive energy braclet.
I am no longer a "patient" at the Pediatric Plumonologist CFF ward of SUNY upstate hospital. I was referred there when they though I had Cystic Fibrosis. Thankfully, I don't- but they still don't know what exactly is up. I hate hospitals. Everytime I go... they loose something and don't have my file toegther because there are too many tests. I'm either known as "oh, the college kid"- at the pediatric place, or "OHHHH you're YOU"- at health services. They see me and identify me by all my aliments.
Last time I went to the hospital I was there for a good three hours. I mean that's normal. But I felt like hell. Lying there, hearing sick children cry outside my room/ parents bitch about being tired. I was so out of it, when one of my nurses came in, after I had all the Oxygen tests, weight, etc. And he was like what's wrong with you? Me: Just tired. So then he goes and does all those annoying breathing tests and goes on to ask why I have OCD. And tries to play psychiatrist. I just don't feel well. And am sick of people right now.
I've always been introverted and hate it. No one gets me- I feel like most of the time. Then I feel like I have to explain myself, just because of the looks I'm given.
I go to have my Mono checkup on Tuesday... we'll see what they want to do then. Usually multiple nurses come in and look at me- go in the hall, discuss me and not know what to do. They contemplate putting me inpatient... but you basically you have to be on your death bed to be put in overnight. So they'll keep me until they feel I am "okay" to go home. Then tell me to come back in 2 days or to go to a different doctor.
I'm so fed up with it all!! Plus the end of the semester... sooo far behind in my classes.
I'm over generals- but am afraid that the faculty just sees me as a sick girl who always has something wrong with her. I do not want that to be my identity; Don't want to be identified by my ailmetns. I try to act as if I am okay, but half the time I know people know I am screwed up.
I just don't get people lately. Or myself. I think once I am healthy again, then I can maybe figuring stuff out. Who knows. It's hard being stuck in the dorm and not being allowed to go out like my friends do... it's nice to stay in, but not ALL the time. It's reminding me of what my mom has to endure everyday of her life, then I feel bad for feeling the way I do. I mean, she has it much worst.
And people who feel like they are "dying" over a mere cold. Sorry, but please don't come bitching to me about being sick for a week. Try 6 months of in and out of hospitals and not knowing WTF is up.
I do appreciate those who have been supportive. And Marg- I've been wearing your positive energy braclet.