(no subject)
Something very strange happened last night.
I've been doing REALLY well these past couple of days. Sunday's service was amazing and I have been able to spend a lot of quiet time reflecting and just trying to give everything to Him.
So I had my calories and everything yesterday, I ate well and I think it was the Starbucks at 8pm. I could not for some reason calm myself, I tried reading, listening to music, watching tv, stretching, relaxing, doing some kind of craft, but at about 12am I had had it! My heart was racing and every time I laid down to sleep my head was rushing with just stuff. I could not get myself out of it and I started to get panicky. The tears came and all I wanted to do was to go home, I guess because that is human instinct. When there is a problem, you run. Where do you run to? The place you think is home. By 2 I knew that I could not stay in that room- I just couldn't deal with the panicking. I packed a bag to go home, even though I knew I had responsibilities here, and wanted to leave. In my head I imagined myself home in Cleveland and trying to find a reason why I thought any of this would be different there? Change of plans. I thought maybe a drink would help me sleep, but even the slightest taste did not appeal to me at all (weird). I finally said, okay if there is one thing upstairs in the fridge that you have been wanting to eat, what is it?? Nothing sounded edible at this point. I went upstairs and got some food, no calorie counting, and relaxed and ate it. This is not emotional eating but I think the obsession throughout the day just put me over the edge and "not caring" was the only way to kind of relieve. Anyways, I did not feel a hundred percent better but the mentality with not caring related me back to my old self and some kind of familiarity was calming with it.
At about 4:30 I finally was able to fall asleep, and when I woke at 8 I realized that I had made it through a really rough time without any silly damage! That was the worst anxiety I had ever felt. I don't ever want to feel that way again. NORMAL damnit, today I just want to be "normal". Whatever that means. I am proud, because that was the first major battle getting through in a healthy manner, in a looong long time. And I can do it. so BOOYAH.
I've been doing REALLY well these past couple of days. Sunday's service was amazing and I have been able to spend a lot of quiet time reflecting and just trying to give everything to Him.
So I had my calories and everything yesterday, I ate well and I think it was the Starbucks at 8pm. I could not for some reason calm myself, I tried reading, listening to music, watching tv, stretching, relaxing, doing some kind of craft, but at about 12am I had had it! My heart was racing and every time I laid down to sleep my head was rushing with just stuff. I could not get myself out of it and I started to get panicky. The tears came and all I wanted to do was to go home, I guess because that is human instinct. When there is a problem, you run. Where do you run to? The place you think is home. By 2 I knew that I could not stay in that room- I just couldn't deal with the panicking. I packed a bag to go home, even though I knew I had responsibilities here, and wanted to leave. In my head I imagined myself home in Cleveland and trying to find a reason why I thought any of this would be different there? Change of plans. I thought maybe a drink would help me sleep, but even the slightest taste did not appeal to me at all (weird). I finally said, okay if there is one thing upstairs in the fridge that you have been wanting to eat, what is it?? Nothing sounded edible at this point. I went upstairs and got some food, no calorie counting, and relaxed and ate it. This is not emotional eating but I think the obsession throughout the day just put me over the edge and "not caring" was the only way to kind of relieve. Anyways, I did not feel a hundred percent better but the mentality with not caring related me back to my old self and some kind of familiarity was calming with it.
At about 4:30 I finally was able to fall asleep, and when I woke at 8 I realized that I had made it through a really rough time without any silly damage! That was the worst anxiety I had ever felt. I don't ever want to feel that way again. NORMAL damnit, today I just want to be "normal". Whatever that means. I am proud, because that was the first major battle getting through in a healthy manner, in a looong long time. And I can do it. so BOOYAH.