God what are you doing and where am I going?
I am at a break down...I can't fake it anymore...I am not who you think I am. I am a girl that wears thousands of masks each and everyday to be who you want me to be but even then its not good enough. I often wonder if you even knew the real me would you talk to me? I am sick of being replaced for the next best thing, I deserve to be the best thing...someone's number 1....I don't think that is selfish or vain, I think it is me. I want people in my life who love me for me no matter the mood swings or the doubt or the negativity or the insanity...the list goes on. I am who I am and if that isn't good enough for you then tough s*it. I don't care anymore. I am sick holding in my emotions because you think it makes me weak or a drama queen, I DON'T F*CKING CARE ANYMORE! I am so sick of it all, I can't be who I am not...I don't even know who I am. I feel like I am failing everyone around me, even more I am failing God. I don't know what I am doing or where I am going? Relationships seem to be even more fragile and even harder to come by, I lost a friend...my best friend...a roomie...and today more than ever I wish that she was here with me. She was a constant companion and she is not HERE sure I can visit her but it isn't easy to find those days....why take her away??? She understood me so well and never thought I was an idiot for showing the world what I had to offer or who I really was, I want her back but I can't. I need God to show me the way and put someone in my life that won't back down when I begin to show what I am really made of. I love you Tonya. I also love Karen and Katie but on a slightly different level...and I do appreciate you girls but this is just something I can't put into words....you have blessed me. I was listening to this song and I am going to post the lyrics because they seem to relate to my life a little bit.
"My Immortal"
Evanescene
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
[Chorus]
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
[Chorus]
"My Immortal"
Evanescene
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
[Chorus]
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
[Chorus]