I have been thinking a lot and this is what I have discovered
Today was a really bad day. I would go into details but it is a little painful..if you must know you can call me and I will talk about it with you. I sometimes feel lame posting lyrics to a song but on those days those words are describing something I am feeling or have felt...something that I could not express in my own words. I know that I have not been truthful to all my friends all the time and if I have lied to you (which I probably have) I am asking for your forgiveness...sometimes it seems easier for me to tell a lie than the truth. I am so sorry if I lied to any of you or hurt you with my words. I think that the reason behind my lies (not only that Satan is in my heart) is that I feel like I can not be who I truely am. I want to so badly just show the world what kind of person I really am but everyday it seems harder and harder to show the world who I am. I know that this sounds like an easy excuse but with my past and how I was raised lying is an option that allows the world to see what they think is acceptable not what I really am. I am not saying that telling a lie is the right thing to do but when I feel like the world won't accept me for who I am that lying is the only option, the only way to be heard or seen. I am sorry for all the lies I have told. I am dork, loser, freak, jerk, brat, and human...for all the horrible things I may have done or said I am sorry. I was reading my Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul and I found a poem that explains what I am feeling in case this xanga entry does not make sense. My ramblings tend to confuse people.
Paintbrush By: Bettie B. Young
I keep my paint brush with me
wherever I may go,
in case I need to cover up,
So the real me doesn't show.
I'm so afraid to show you me,
afraid of what you'll do,
that you may laugh or say mean things,
I'm afraid I might lose you.
I'd like to remove all my paint coats
to show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.
So if you'll be patient and close your eyes,
I'll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
to let the real me show.
Now my coats are all stripped off,
I feel naked, bare and cold.
And if you still love me with all that you see,
you are my friend, pure as gold.
I need to save my paint brush, though,
and hold it in my hand.
I want to keep it handy
in case somebody doesn't understand.
So please protect me, my dear friend
and thanks for loving me true.
But please let me keep my paint brush with me
Until I love me, too.
Paintbrush By: Bettie B. Young
I keep my paint brush with me
wherever I may go,
in case I need to cover up,
So the real me doesn't show.
I'm so afraid to show you me,
afraid of what you'll do,
that you may laugh or say mean things,
I'm afraid I might lose you.
I'd like to remove all my paint coats
to show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.
So if you'll be patient and close your eyes,
I'll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
to let the real me show.
Now my coats are all stripped off,
I feel naked, bare and cold.
And if you still love me with all that you see,
you are my friend, pure as gold.
I need to save my paint brush, though,
and hold it in my hand.
I want to keep it handy
in case somebody doesn't understand.
So please protect me, my dear friend
and thanks for loving me true.
But please let me keep my paint brush with me
Until I love me, too.