(no subject)
I never update anymore..really never update. I can't believe that I haven't updated since 2009. I've posted in some communities as whatnot but not updated my journal. I'm a mess, an utter mess. My ex husband is trying to take our son away from me..and it's been the most heartbreaking thing I've ever had to go through. Most days I don't even want to get out of bed..I feel so alone at times. I met this amazing man..and he's there to talk to and he can be such a sweetheart. And I'm so afraid of messing things up. With my past..I am constantly looking for him to be doing something wrong. I'm always nervous I could say something wrong..I just idk..he makes me feel a way I have never felt before. I don't love him, not yet..but no matter what he says an does I can't tell him no..I can't let him go and I'm so scared he's gonna chase after this other woman..that we aren't on the same page. I get so nervous around him..I get shaky and my heart starts beating super fast. Tuesday night was one of the most perfect nights I have ever had. He made me feel like I was the only woman in the world and it was so amazing. I felt like no one in this world could hurt me..it's like he took me from reality. He's at work tonight and I've been kind of a bitch today to him..I feel bad for it. I just wish he were home. I'm so afraid of getting hurt that I think I push away..try not to let myself get really close. I don't want to fall for him, I don't want to fall for anyone..it just leads to you getting hurt and I can't take anymore hurt right now. I think that's why I was bitchy towards him..because I am so afraid of getting hurt that I back away..try to cut my emotions off from him. I wish I wasn't such an idiot when I talked to him, I wish I could just tell him how badly I just want to be held..told that everything is gonna work out and be okay. We are so different personality wise..so different..and I like it. Idk. There's so much going on and I don't know how to feel about anything. I toss and turn at night because my mind is always going. I can't relax. I need my Xanax so badly..and I won't get it til the end of December. Idk..hopefully I can shower and then drink myself to sleep soon. My heart feels like it's going to beat outside of my chest if I don't relax soon.
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