The second half of the rant
Come to think of it, most of the things I could once say I was good at are now things I do average at best. Shoot me in the fucking head. Hand me my fucking wakizashi. Strap me with C4.
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I can't think of one GDF thing I like about myself right now. And if you say I'm a "nice-person" I'll tell you that a) that's all about being a living doormat, b) I'm not nearly as nice as I used to be, and c) when I am "nice" I'm often bitter and resentful about it, or I'm only doing it because I'm too lazy or insecure to put up a fight. Who the fuck am I? What the fuck am I doing here? I can't even kill myself bacause I've BEEN dead or dying for years.
So I'm "that Christian kid," right? So the fuck what!? You think the elledged atheists have the market cornered on hating the world? Guess what, I fucking hate this place too. I think it sucks. I would have commited suicide years ago if it weren't for certain beliefs I hold and my care for the feelings of others. So I'll go cruise for porn at 3:19 Sunday morning so that I can get up 7:30 to go to church tired.
And you know what's sad? What makes all of this really hurt? I firmly believe that I could change all of this with certain measures I am a aware of but too I-don't-know-what to act on.
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I'm now falling asleep as I wait and try to reconnect so I can post this...
Half asleep, I clip mouse-buttons as a muscle reflex, odd...
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I can't think of one GDF thing I like about myself right now. And if you say I'm a "nice-person" I'll tell you that a) that's all about being a living doormat, b) I'm not nearly as nice as I used to be, and c) when I am "nice" I'm often bitter and resentful about it, or I'm only doing it because I'm too lazy or insecure to put up a fight. Who the fuck am I? What the fuck am I doing here? I can't even kill myself bacause I've BEEN dead or dying for years.
So I'm "that Christian kid," right? So the fuck what!? You think the elledged atheists have the market cornered on hating the world? Guess what, I fucking hate this place too. I think it sucks. I would have commited suicide years ago if it weren't for certain beliefs I hold and my care for the feelings of others. So I'll go cruise for porn at 3:19 Sunday morning so that I can get up 7:30 to go to church tired.
And you know what's sad? What makes all of this really hurt? I firmly believe that I could change all of this with certain measures I am a aware of but too I-don't-know-what to act on.
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I'm now falling asleep as I wait and try to reconnect so I can post this...
Half asleep, I clip mouse-buttons as a muscle reflex, odd...