This one may be long.
For years, probably even since I could first put together my own thoughts, I had adored quotes. I'm a collector. I collect a lot of things: Beer caps, Jones Soda caps, their labels, One side of a box or six pack of beer, swords, action figures, music, dvds, and probably more. But none come close to how much I collect fortune cookies. I'm enamored by quotes. The only reason why I actually like to collect Jones soda caps is solely for the quotes on the other side. Beer caps? Magic Hat has fortunes and funny phrases that I collect.
Why you ask? My whole life surrounds these quotes. Because they offer some of wisdom or something to me. I feel like, by reading them, keeping them, may help me become that better person I want to be. I don't, maybe that just may be a reason I'm making up to make my obsession seem less severe to myself. But these words, a lot of times, they come to me when I'm in need of them most. Little bits of "fate" mixed in with luck and helpful wisdom for me to read inside a little sugary cookie. It almost feels like, sometimes, the world is interacting with me, because I chose to open that fortune, or I chose that bottle to open and none other - that it's little words inside almost help push me in the direction that I need to go in, telling me "yeah, go for it, you know it in your heart already that's what you want to do - we don't need to tell you anymore than you already know."
I know it's dumb, because it's all in my mind when I read those messages, I know I'm reading what I want to read in the message it delivers me, but I like to pretend that there's something more than that. Not "God" or "destiny" or "fate"...but something. Something is there. What are the chances, in a whole box of cookies, I find the one that would be significant to me? Or the cookies that are tossed on top of a bill, I choose the one that has a real message opposed to "You will have a great day!" bullshit?
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I think, by nature, I'm a happy person. It's just how my personality is...designed, really. Yeah, I like everyone else has had some fucked up moments in their childhood and in their adult life, it happens. But I like to think I am a genuine person who is happy... ...at most times.
I just told my friend yesterday, talking on the phone about his recent problems in his break up with a pretty long relationship, that because I am around the persons I want to be around, I am happy - regardless of my single status.
I'm pretty sure I lied.
I feel unwanted.
I live a loud life, where my opinions are largely known for what it's worth, when it can be heard, and regardless of how I act, sarcastic or like a douche - I will still go out of my way to make plans, help, and do things for other people. This all sounds very conceited and pretty self-loathing and almost selfish with how I think of myself, but I know it's true. I honestly know that I would step out from what I'm doing if I can to do whatever I can for other people. I'll know I have other obligations to myself, but I'd sacrifice that to do a favor for a friend, or just to see them. Which I guess that's why I feel crushed when I try to do things with others, to set something up - and they come up with reasons not to. I dunno, maybe I'm thinking too much.
Which is something I do too often; think. It's a big paradox for me. I say that I just go with whatever, speak my mind, and do what it is I want to do. Yet all at once, every time it is that I do think, it's methodical, calculating, and over-done. I over think when I do think and I stumble over myself, I get nervous, or I just don't do anything about what it is that I am thinking. Why is that? Why can't it all be the same? When in times I think, I learn to un-think and just do.
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I'm becoming complacent. I'm getting into a routine. And I don't like it. Yet one more paradox, where I wish I had a life where I can expect something to happen on a weekly basis, I also want my life to be full of action, full of "what's next"'s. You know what? Maybe not. I don't even know if I can call it a routine. I work only 3 days a week. And then every Thursday I know I go to the gym if there isn't anything else that takes precedent over it. But every day other than that, it's open. So why do I feel like it's becoming a routine? Let's face it, I don't like working. Who does really? I wish more that I was earning money doing something I'm more passionate about - that isn't delivering Chinese food, although I love the people there and the freedom that is involved in driving around all day and meeting new people for seconds at a time. And it definitely doesn't hurt that my deliveries are now in my new car, 2007 V6 mustang. I've made the decision to sacrifice the other opportunities I may have had, in exchange for paying $200 a month for my car. So each month I now have a bill total of near $300 with the addition of my college bill (which I just paid for a week ahead of time, a first if you know me and my willingness to pay for Nhheaf bullshit). So right now I'm caught up.
With that thought, wanting to be earning money in something I'm more passionate about, it makes me wonder. What the hell am I passionate about? What would I be so set on in my heart that I would want to attempt to make a career out of? I always seem so set on the small things that I'm OK at, yet I never really take the time to nurture them to become greater at them. I've left the idea of school behind me, I think, at least for now. But to really "succeed", the idea is that you must have a degree now in order to do so. And I am very much against that idea...even though maybe, it might be true for our day and age. But right now, I'm $5,500 in the hole for a total of 2 years of failed college. I'd need something smaller, something more attainable of a school goal I think.
I made a set list of ideas and goals once before on here, probably around a year ago now, and my ideas haven't changed - just the reach for them I think has gotten harder. There are so many things in the world that I want to do. I just don't like the idea of the possibility of, once I achieve a goal (like owning my own business), I'll be stuck there. Stuck in that town, or city, when all I'll do is look outward and wish I were traveling to Japan, the Philippines, Europe, Hawaii, cross country...wherever. I think I have a lack of satisfaction for myself. I hate the idea of sitting still. It's a wonder how I've managed to allow myself to be so lazy and stay in this house for so long now. I want to get out. I want to move. but I feel like if I move to anywhere in New Hampshire (again), I won't have the kind of funds I need to get anywhere else in my life. For instance, if I ever want to move out again to see another part of the country, say California, how would I save up my funds to get out to do that? Or even the simple things, snowboarding and a lot of other sports I like to do (or want to do) don't come cheap. There's always an exchange: independence/no time for the independence, full-time job and more money/no time, living at home & less hours for work/ no true independence but more time in "freedom". It's all so weird.
A letter we got here from Nashua Tech got me thinking a little bit, and it was just that filler box mailer, you know the "come to the open house for more information!" shit. - Maybe I could take something online to learn more about business or, something, so I can have some more education under my belt that will assist my life in whatever it is in my life that I decide to do and accomplish. Obviously, this is only a thought right now. I can't afford it and I have a history of failure when it comes to school - and it's still haunting. There needs to be time before I can move away from the fear and get it done.
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"I'm pretty sure I lied." I lied because I'm unhappy with where I am. And I've said before: what happens to a person when they're so known to be happy and always to try to be the helping hand, what happens when he needs help? Will anyone ever see it? It's a weird question for me to even wonder - because I know I wouldn't want help to begin with. My idealism and my pride in my "I'm strong I'll get by" attitude wins over every time. Probably the same reason why I've refused the ideas of seeing doctors, dentists, and therapists. That is a subject all on its own of idiocy.
I'm happy when she's around, and I miss her when she's not. And it's disgusting to me that I feel this way, really. Because it gives me so much anxiety to exist like this. To feel this and know, probably a definite, that that feeling is not returned. To have all my friends to look at me and tell me to just give it up. And I almost wish I could. To just want to look at her as a friend, not a person I wish I could be closer to, to want to hold, and be all of that.
I've not dated too many people, but in my life I've known a lot of people, and dated some, had feelings for some, and loved one. I've come to a theory for some of those that I have dated or wanted to date looking back at it all and thinking about all the people that I know. A lot of them, had problems. I mean problems. And I feel, that some underlying factor may have been that, on a maybe subconscious or slightly conscious level, I felt like I needed to help them. Now if that doesn't sound conceited, to think that I had this ability, that by bringing them into my life I could somehow change the outcome of their own lives or something. But I think that's it. There were people in my life that I think just needed to be helped, or heard, and I tried to be there to do that.
But there were the exceptions. The ones I felt truly for. Not the someone I felt that way in the last paragraph, but truly felt for. By feeling needed by them and I needed them. And these are the people I felt truly for, I didn't feel that they had issues that I needed to be there to help or whatever was in my mind about it. But true feelings for them, caring for them, wanting to be with them, not just some superficial idea of feelings for them. But the feeling of an exploding heart; nervous, stuttering sometimes when I try to talk about it, knots in my stomach, the anxiety that came about with it all.
And that's why I just can't let go right now. And that's the killer.
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I need to do more. I need to "take more chances". And I need to become more active to become the person that I want to be, mentally, physically, and futuristicly. I'm making my attempt to get back into eating more health-consciously by not eating so much fried chinese foods and instead opting for the steamed options while I'm there. Buying more fresh produce to cook meals that will last me for days rather than just a once served meal. Not eating so much white rice and eventually finding myself to cook the alternative of brown and wild rice. I'm longboarding more, getting back into weight training a little bit and continuing my parkour training - which I need to get outside and do more of to gain the confidence I need to really be a parkour practioner. Being this active may assist in my motivation to get back into my painting and get more inspiration. I just wish I was able to paint or draw someone real so I can get better with the human figure; which is something I love to use most as my subjects. I feel like when I draw the human body from my own mind, I get proportions wrong, and body movements and range of motion wrong, at least, slightly off.
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Ok, that's the end of this entry I think. It's 4:30am, I originally started this hours ago, but had fallen asleep in the middle. I think I've touched on everything I've wanted to.
I thought about posting a video to end all of this, but I couldn't think of one to post that would be appropriate for it all.
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