Long Story Short.
So, I finally got ahold of him on ... Thursday? I think. We talked. I laid it all out there. He said he didn't want to try again. So, I tld him I accepted that and that if he ever changed his mind, to give me a call, because odds are I'll always love him.
So, yeah. It's over. Because you know what? I doubt he'll ever be like.."Shit, I lost something good" because that would mean he ever appreciated it. And I don't think he did. I don't know why, I probably never will. But it's like..."Yeah, thanks for loving me unconditionally, trying to forgive me for cheating on you like crazy, for lying to you, and for jerking you around...but I just don't feel like trying anymore"...after 2 and a half years, yeah, that's really confusing to me. Pearls before swine, I guess. I'm not the best at compartmentalizing shit, no lie, but like...he was a part of every single day for me for nearly 2 and a half years. And the future I wanted us to share will never happen with him. So a lot is gone for me now. And you know what? I'm fucking sad. And it makes me angry that someone could be in my life for so long, and then just walk away and go be with some other girl, and be totally fucking fine, like I never even existed.
It fucking sucks. If you don't love me, then don't say you do, y'know? And if he did love me, he wouldn't have thrown me, and our 2 and a half years together, away like I was some one night stand. I don't know how a person does what he did and is still able to just walk away, find some new girl, and not give a shit.
So, yeah. It's really difficult. And I'd give up anything to be with him and have him really love me the way I loved him. But y'know, it's probably never going to be that way. Will I be happy if it ever is? Yes. But I can't count on it. And so he's gone, and he's not in my life anymore.
I've been trying to distract myself a lot. I went to a bar - Atomic Cantina - with some friends earlier this week, and there was a guy there who knew them, then later he asked one of them for my number, so he and I have been texting each other since then, and yesterday, I went to the roller derby game and then went and hung out with NewGuy and some other friends at the after party. I don't really want to be with this guy at this point -- I barely know him yet -- but it's a nice distraction if nothing else, I guess. It's nice to know other people will be like..."That girl is cute and she seems interesting."
I have a lot of mixed emotions. I'm sad, I'm really sad, but I'm also resigned to things being the way they are. I loved him with everything I had. I got burned. Again. He did everything he promised he'd never do. Again. 2 and a half years of my life have passed.
I'm sure it'll stop hurting so much someday. I just wish that day would hurry it's ass up.