"Hold me, I'm screaming desperately and it feels like I can't breathe..."
So it's been over a week now. I hurt as much as I did before but it's all going numb and I'm falling into a state of depression nothing has ever made me this upset to reach. I sleep alot, but I don't find any real peace there because I just dream about him and the way it was or the way it might be if he comes back. I want to be whole and okay again..But even making myself get out of bed in the morning is something I dread doing. I barely eat anything and when I do it's usually McDOnalds or pizza rolls. I throw on whatever clothes I find and go to the library to sit online for hours talking to my friends, people who say they know me yet don't understand why I could want him back. It's all a cycle of moving through life just doing the things I have to to survive even though inside I feel dead and cold without his love to carry me through the day to that one glorious moment when I get to hear his voice.
I've been listening to music alot lately..And I wish it wasn't so crappy out otherwise I'd go driving just for the peace of being behind the wheel with the radio to keep me company. I think clearer when I can drive. I don't have anywhere to drive to anyway...Nowhere to go that would bring me any peace. I'd go to Gary's were he home and finally do that damned photo shoot. Maybe next week. That's one tiny bright spot in my life right now..I'm working out a little every day and I'm loseing weight. I'll be a suicide girl yet. Just you watch. That's my goal right now, besides getting everything figured out with school with my mom's help. Even though I no longer know what I want to do with my life. I have no confidence in my ability to write any longer and I have no idea what the hell else I'm decent enough at to make me even a little happy for the rest of my life.
I just don't know. And the job hunt is still getting me nowhere and I'd really fucking depressing. I need something to do as much as I hate the idea, because I am going mad.
I forgot again to call about my tattoo because I've just been doing the same things day in and day out. I'll for sure call friday when I'm home. I have to make the appointment soon so Manda can go with me. I was hoping I could have gotten it when Andrew could go...But whatever.
I wish I could draw right now...But I have NO talen there whatsoever. I feel the need to get all this emotion out somehow and I have no idea how.
I wanna go back out to Necto on monday if anyone wants to meet me out there..*cough*Aaron*cough*.
Okay, I'm out.
I've been listening to music alot lately..And I wish it wasn't so crappy out otherwise I'd go driving just for the peace of being behind the wheel with the radio to keep me company. I think clearer when I can drive. I don't have anywhere to drive to anyway...Nowhere to go that would bring me any peace. I'd go to Gary's were he home and finally do that damned photo shoot. Maybe next week. That's one tiny bright spot in my life right now..I'm working out a little every day and I'm loseing weight. I'll be a suicide girl yet. Just you watch. That's my goal right now, besides getting everything figured out with school with my mom's help. Even though I no longer know what I want to do with my life. I have no confidence in my ability to write any longer and I have no idea what the hell else I'm decent enough at to make me even a little happy for the rest of my life.
I just don't know. And the job hunt is still getting me nowhere and I'd really fucking depressing. I need something to do as much as I hate the idea, because I am going mad.
I forgot again to call about my tattoo because I've just been doing the same things day in and day out. I'll for sure call friday when I'm home. I have to make the appointment soon so Manda can go with me. I was hoping I could have gotten it when Andrew could go...But whatever.
I wish I could draw right now...But I have NO talen there whatsoever. I feel the need to get all this emotion out somehow and I have no idea how.
I wanna go back out to Necto on monday if anyone wants to meet me out there..*cough*Aaron*cough*.
Okay, I'm out.