feel so calloused.
I don't give a shit.
Here it is...
Life is a joke right now.
I mean . . . sometimes here I feel lonelier than ever before.
Sometimes I try to keep that feeling surpressed by emailing friends and wasting time on messageboards.
And of course I have a handful of associates here.
But I don't know how to get them to the friend level, and I don't know what I'm looking for in a friend now. At all.
I mean I feel like I've stooped to the point that any foreigner is good enough for a friendship, but it's not true. I still get overly annoyed at people. Not everyone is my type.
I feel like I am loosing myself.
How does this happen?
I'm getting scared. Having panic attacks thinking about mortality and death at night.
I am more alone than I've ever been.
This doesn't feel right.
I came here for the wrong reasons and it's abundantly clear.
I'm not recovering from the break up. at all. and I doubt I will. that's a whole other story I guess. and I'm still not ready to face myself on that one. Briefly discussing it with a new friend here was enough to realize I'm not ready to think about it and I still can't comprehend it.
I'm not quite 'finding' myself. I'm more loosing myself.
I do like teaching for the most part, so that's a good sign right?
but I mean, I think I am seeing it from everyone back home's eyes - I feel like I'm just delaying life.
Like, of course this is life. I am living life. But I'm feeling like I'm not who I thought I was. I'm not the person who can make this sort of thing life.
Not right now.
This is where I stand now.
I'm a loner, but not this much, I guess.
I mean I'm not comfortable enough with myself to be living with myself and only myself.
I'm lacking in new music and my desire has lessened.
I'm not an energetic teacher and I let my co teacher down.
I am gaining weight. that's serious and that's the worst.
I'm tired all the time.
The only thing that makes me laugh these days is 'The Office'
I feel like I have become the most calloused person on earth.
I hate being so negative and I'm usually surpressing these feelings. I pretty much do it all day.
I'm in a rush to be comfortable with myself.
I mean if I am going to be uncomfortable...I need to at least understand why I am uncomfortable and how I could fix it, etc.
I am just lost. still. Completely uncomfortable with myself
I mean I was lost before I came here. And sometimes having a job and new experiences cheers me up a bit, but man I am still lost.
I'm so pissed about it too.
I don't feel like I am self improving at all.
My future is whatever I make it..but
I don't know where to begin.
I just keep staring at the past and missing it and wishing I was home for shows.
and I'm probably talking to people I shouldn't be.
You know, people who are just linked to that part of my past I need to get over.
I'm just in the weirdest spot ever and I need to get out.
Lesson learned. Moving halfway across he world doesn't automatically solve anything, personality-wise. I wasn't exactly expecting that, but it would've been a nice treat.
And my counselor pretty much alluded to that's what would happen.
"Oh you got a problem this week? It's ok. Korea will be great! Just wait."
...uh huh. and it is.
but I'm not doing great.
Hopefully I'll give it time and make something develop.
I've never lived totally alone and I've never been this scared. I'm not sleeping well at all.
Here it is...
Life is a joke right now.
I mean . . . sometimes here I feel lonelier than ever before.
Sometimes I try to keep that feeling surpressed by emailing friends and wasting time on messageboards.
And of course I have a handful of associates here.
But I don't know how to get them to the friend level, and I don't know what I'm looking for in a friend now. At all.
I mean I feel like I've stooped to the point that any foreigner is good enough for a friendship, but it's not true. I still get overly annoyed at people. Not everyone is my type.
I feel like I am loosing myself.
How does this happen?
I'm getting scared. Having panic attacks thinking about mortality and death at night.
I am more alone than I've ever been.
This doesn't feel right.
I came here for the wrong reasons and it's abundantly clear.
I'm not recovering from the break up. at all. and I doubt I will. that's a whole other story I guess. and I'm still not ready to face myself on that one. Briefly discussing it with a new friend here was enough to realize I'm not ready to think about it and I still can't comprehend it.
I'm not quite 'finding' myself. I'm more loosing myself.
I do like teaching for the most part, so that's a good sign right?
but I mean, I think I am seeing it from everyone back home's eyes - I feel like I'm just delaying life.
Like, of course this is life. I am living life. But I'm feeling like I'm not who I thought I was. I'm not the person who can make this sort of thing life.
Not right now.
This is where I stand now.
I'm a loner, but not this much, I guess.
I mean I'm not comfortable enough with myself to be living with myself and only myself.
I'm lacking in new music and my desire has lessened.
I'm not an energetic teacher and I let my co teacher down.
I am gaining weight. that's serious and that's the worst.
I'm tired all the time.
The only thing that makes me laugh these days is 'The Office'
I feel like I have become the most calloused person on earth.
I hate being so negative and I'm usually surpressing these feelings. I pretty much do it all day.
I'm in a rush to be comfortable with myself.
I mean if I am going to be uncomfortable...I need to at least understand why I am uncomfortable and how I could fix it, etc.
I am just lost. still. Completely uncomfortable with myself
I mean I was lost before I came here. And sometimes having a job and new experiences cheers me up a bit, but man I am still lost.
I'm so pissed about it too.
I don't feel like I am self improving at all.
My future is whatever I make it..but
I don't know where to begin.
I just keep staring at the past and missing it and wishing I was home for shows.
and I'm probably talking to people I shouldn't be.
You know, people who are just linked to that part of my past I need to get over.
I'm just in the weirdest spot ever and I need to get out.
Lesson learned. Moving halfway across he world doesn't automatically solve anything, personality-wise. I wasn't exactly expecting that, but it would've been a nice treat.
And my counselor pretty much alluded to that's what would happen.
"Oh you got a problem this week? It's ok. Korea will be great! Just wait."
...uh huh. and it is.
but I'm not doing great.
Hopefully I'll give it time and make something develop.
I've never lived totally alone and I've never been this scared. I'm not sleeping well at all.