To live and To leave.
Title: To live and To leave.
Author:
Rating: PG
Pairing: Kim Jongin/OC
Word Count: 1.984 words
[“Will it- will the rain calls for you?']
There are just that moment when it rains all day;
when the sky turns into that perfect shade of gray and the green grass are damp and you just want lay there in your bed, listening to the the soft pitter patter of the drizzles that hit the roof, staring at your window, staring at things behind your window.
To the outside world.
Jongin sighs inwardly as he tries to cover himself with his pink strawberry blanket that just places around his leg. He’s too lazy to get up, his heart hurts and his headache doubles it worse. He’s in a stupid attempt on trying to move that damn blanket with his right foot; only rewarded by an unmoving peace of thick sheet underneath. He curses. He feels extremely cold, his fingers are currently frozen and he just wants something warm, really. But the universe seems to be on knack of messing up with his world when his eyes fall for an air conditioner’s remote control which is placed on the desk that looks like million miles away from his bed. He curses for the second, the third time, fourth, fifth, sixt, until he lost count. He just curses and curses and curses-
‘If she was still here-'
A hidden thought knocks on his mind that shuts the hell out of his eyes, his everything, his world.
Jongin sits there in silence, looking at the clouds, looking at the rain. He bits his lips; trying to scrub the pain away but it won’t leave, it won’t even flinch, damn it. He can’t help but to let his mind wanders at the thought of her. Her long hair that sways to the perfect rhytms everytime she plays the guitar, everytime she sings, beautiful melodies soak through the air. And all that matters in the world of Kim Jongin is just her, just her and the guitar. Or maybe some blankets and a pack of cigars. Jongin loves to smoke while looking at her, sitting right behind the window, tuning her guitar with that serious look on her face before she exclaims cheerfully ‘Jongin-ah, it’s all set! Noona will play for you. Listen carefully, ok?’ as she brushes her fringes out of her eyes and looks up at him,
She looks at him.
Jongin stares at the window, his heart heavy as he sees a thunderstorm coating the sky and dripping on the many head’s below. He hears his heart sink. But he chooses not care. Just this time, this one more time. He wants to devour all of her that’s left, the memories, the smiles, the look in her eyes, the I love you’s whispers at dawn under the warm blanket and a thick smoke of cigars that he huffs slowly as she inches closer, closer, her nose on his nose. He would wrap her body, soft and plump underneath his skin; his lips trace every inch of her neck, leaving a mark, leaving something on her that he hopes would remind her that she is hers, Kim Jongin’s.
But he isn’t hers now, not anymore.
She is not craddles on his arms.
Her lips isn’t gravitating into his.
Her smiles aren’t there to make him smile.
Her laughs are long gone.
Jongin tries so hard to hold back the tears. He knows she hates weak guy and Jongin would never ever be included into the list of thing that she hates the most. So he remains steady, his chest moves up and down, his breaths are heavy and thick with sorrows and grief and immeasurable pain and all he is going to do is just to keep it shut, keep it linger, keep it bleeds.
He reaches out to pull out her guitar which places just right beside him. He starts imagining things; like the guitar is her, the strings are her fingers and while he collects every piece of his memories to build up her face in his mind, Jongin starts to sing.
‘Looking at the drop falling down the window,
I think of you.’
Jongin shuts his eyes, pretending that he sings for her. She is there, in her usual spot, wearing his oversized white shirt and gray shorts, her head tilts just right beisde the windowsill. He watches her put on her amused expression as to see Jongin tries to put on a performance with guitar and a sad song; the things that Jongin would never ever does before. His voice isn’t that perfect and he always prefers dancing instead of performing a song with his broken adlibs. Taehyo will always be the one who sings while he dances.
But today, he just wants to sing, to sing to her, praying to Gods and Heavens and the rain outside that maybe, just maybe, she would be here once again, listening to him.
‘You are listening to the sound, right?
You, who used to love the rain
Do you still remember me?
When it rains, I yearn for you.’
And when Jongin opens his eyes; he can see her smiling at him. Her lips curled up into a cute smile, her fringes is once again covered the side of her face but she still looks beautiful. She always looks beautiful. The sound of the rain outside fills the cold damp air and Jongin stops. He stops playing the guitar, stop singing, stop breathing, stop everything. He wants to stop, he begs his world to stop, at this moment, at this dream, at this perfect imagination of hers, so that he would freeze forever in this time when everything just seems so right, everything is in place, everything is as it used to be.
‘Why are you stop playing?’ She asks.
‘Because- I’m scared that if the song ends, you will go.’
‘I never go anywhere, Jongin-ah. I’m always here.’ She whispers with that soft smile plastered on her face, her hands playfully pats the spot that she claimed as hers, years ago, the first time she came around.
And Jongin doesn’t want her to cease, doesn’t want her to vanish, doesn’t want her to fade.
He wants her here, he wants her now, he wants her forever.
‘Kim Jongin,’ she chuckles. Her eyes staring deep into his as she speaks, slowly, carefully, softly. ‘I can’t stay for long. I can’t be with you all the time.’
‘Why?’ Jongin is crying now; giving flying fucks of the thought that she might hate him, she might hate the fact the he’s crying now, sobbing and weeping like a baby, eyes red and heavy as the tears keep forming into the sides of his cheek.
He doesn’t care.
He wants her to know that he can’t survive alone, he doesn’t want to live alone.
‘Because you breathe and I don’t.’ She says matter of factly, her smiles are gone and her expression turns into this one serious look she would give him if Jongin being his usual dick-self, stubborn as a rock and doesn’t want to hear anything that he doesn’t want to. ‘Promise me, Jongin. From now on, you’re going to move on with your life. Without me.’
‘Have you, have you ever wondered of how extremely painful it is?' He whispers, eyes not moving an inch from her sight, “Living life without you there? Have you- thought that it’s never easy, never- even to pull up a blanket, I can’t-“
‘Love falls down with the rain.
Memories flow with the rain.’
Jongin looks up at her, Taehyo is now standing on the cold floor just right besides the window, looking at the world outside, singing. Her usual knack. She sings like there’s no tomorrow, like she pours everything into the melodies, her thoughts, her unspoken things, her heart, her mind, her soul. And when Taehyo turns and smiles at him, Jongin knows. Jongin knows that it is also hard for her. It’s also depressing and sad and sickening and she feels like crying all the time but who’s to blame? It’s already destined. It’s her fate. And she doesn’t want him to suffer as much as she is feeling now.
‘I think of you again
With the sound of the rain.’
And Jongin sings. He sings with her, for the first time out of so many years they’ve spent together. It’s the first time,
and the last time Jongin gets a chance to sing with her.
‘Even if you forget me,
Please remember me again.
When my yearning for you becomes too much and overflows,
The rain will call you again.’
“Will it- will the rain calls for you? Will you tell who’s up there- to- to tell the rain that -“ Jongin doesn’t get a chance to finish his sentence because Taehyo suddenly comes to him, her nose on his nose again, just like the last time. Jongin wants to cry again, wants to hold her close and would never let go, wants to lost in her eyes forever.
“I will.” She kisses his nose, a trickle of tears also falling down to the right side of her cheeks, into that perfect smile of hers. She still smiles, even though it hurts, even though the pain is indescribable, she urges to smile. Jongin wants to kiss the tears away, to make the pain gone, because he never wants to see her tears, never want to make her sad. So he clenches his jaw and restrained the tears as he cups her face on his hands, looking at her,
for the last time.
‘Promise me. You have to live.’
She says in a tune that Jongin would never shake off, would never denied, would never break.
‘I want you to place your hand over your heart. Feel that? That’s called purpose, Jongin. You’re alive for a reason.
Please don’t give up.’
And Jongin can’t say a thing instead of nodding his head so many times until his head hurts and his heart hurts more and he hears her soft ‘I love you’ whispers and the cold heavy air that follows suit after it.
She is gone.
She is not there anymore.
Jongin looks outside the window, the rain still there, so why won’t she? Because you breathe and I don’t, Idiot. He hears her nagging voice in his mind. And Jongin can’t help but smile, he’s smiling and crying at the same time, knowing that she won’t leave, knowing that she somehow would still occupied half of his heart even though she’s not here anymore.
Jongin decides to live.
And leave.
*
'Hoping that you will be smiling somewhere.
Just don’t forget this.
My wanting of loving you will fall next to you,
Following the rain.’
*
Tasya I know this is one fucked up angst. But I tried my best anyways. This is why I hate rainy days, it makes me think of sorrows and painful things. :)
Author:
Rating: PG
Pairing: Kim Jongin/OC
Word Count: 1.984 words
[“Will it- will the rain calls for you?']
There are just that moment when it rains all day;
when the sky turns into that perfect shade of gray and the green grass are damp and you just want lay there in your bed, listening to the the soft pitter patter of the drizzles that hit the roof, staring at your window, staring at things behind your window.
To the outside world.
Jongin sighs inwardly as he tries to cover himself with his pink strawberry blanket that just places around his leg. He’s too lazy to get up, his heart hurts and his headache doubles it worse. He’s in a stupid attempt on trying to move that damn blanket with his right foot; only rewarded by an unmoving peace of thick sheet underneath. He curses. He feels extremely cold, his fingers are currently frozen and he just wants something warm, really. But the universe seems to be on knack of messing up with his world when his eyes fall for an air conditioner’s remote control which is placed on the desk that looks like million miles away from his bed. He curses for the second, the third time, fourth, fifth, sixt, until he lost count. He just curses and curses and curses-
‘If she was still here-'
A hidden thought knocks on his mind that shuts the hell out of his eyes, his everything, his world.
Jongin sits there in silence, looking at the clouds, looking at the rain. He bits his lips; trying to scrub the pain away but it won’t leave, it won’t even flinch, damn it. He can’t help but to let his mind wanders at the thought of her. Her long hair that sways to the perfect rhytms everytime she plays the guitar, everytime she sings, beautiful melodies soak through the air. And all that matters in the world of Kim Jongin is just her, just her and the guitar. Or maybe some blankets and a pack of cigars. Jongin loves to smoke while looking at her, sitting right behind the window, tuning her guitar with that serious look on her face before she exclaims cheerfully ‘Jongin-ah, it’s all set! Noona will play for you. Listen carefully, ok?’ as she brushes her fringes out of her eyes and looks up at him,
She looks at him.
Jongin stares at the window, his heart heavy as he sees a thunderstorm coating the sky and dripping on the many head’s below. He hears his heart sink. But he chooses not care. Just this time, this one more time. He wants to devour all of her that’s left, the memories, the smiles, the look in her eyes, the I love you’s whispers at dawn under the warm blanket and a thick smoke of cigars that he huffs slowly as she inches closer, closer, her nose on his nose. He would wrap her body, soft and plump underneath his skin; his lips trace every inch of her neck, leaving a mark, leaving something on her that he hopes would remind her that she is hers, Kim Jongin’s.
But he isn’t hers now, not anymore.
She is not craddles on his arms.
Her lips isn’t gravitating into his.
Her smiles aren’t there to make him smile.
Her laughs are long gone.
Jongin tries so hard to hold back the tears. He knows she hates weak guy and Jongin would never ever be included into the list of thing that she hates the most. So he remains steady, his chest moves up and down, his breaths are heavy and thick with sorrows and grief and immeasurable pain and all he is going to do is just to keep it shut, keep it linger, keep it bleeds.
He reaches out to pull out her guitar which places just right beside him. He starts imagining things; like the guitar is her, the strings are her fingers and while he collects every piece of his memories to build up her face in his mind, Jongin starts to sing.
‘Looking at the drop falling down the window,
I think of you.’
Jongin shuts his eyes, pretending that he sings for her. She is there, in her usual spot, wearing his oversized white shirt and gray shorts, her head tilts just right beisde the windowsill. He watches her put on her amused expression as to see Jongin tries to put on a performance with guitar and a sad song; the things that Jongin would never ever does before. His voice isn’t that perfect and he always prefers dancing instead of performing a song with his broken adlibs. Taehyo will always be the one who sings while he dances.
But today, he just wants to sing, to sing to her, praying to Gods and Heavens and the rain outside that maybe, just maybe, she would be here once again, listening to him.
‘You are listening to the sound, right?
You, who used to love the rain
Do you still remember me?
When it rains, I yearn for you.’
And when Jongin opens his eyes; he can see her smiling at him. Her lips curled up into a cute smile, her fringes is once again covered the side of her face but she still looks beautiful. She always looks beautiful. The sound of the rain outside fills the cold damp air and Jongin stops. He stops playing the guitar, stop singing, stop breathing, stop everything. He wants to stop, he begs his world to stop, at this moment, at this dream, at this perfect imagination of hers, so that he would freeze forever in this time when everything just seems so right, everything is in place, everything is as it used to be.
‘Why are you stop playing?’ She asks.
‘Because- I’m scared that if the song ends, you will go.’
‘I never go anywhere, Jongin-ah. I’m always here.’ She whispers with that soft smile plastered on her face, her hands playfully pats the spot that she claimed as hers, years ago, the first time she came around.
And Jongin doesn’t want her to cease, doesn’t want her to vanish, doesn’t want her to fade.
He wants her here, he wants her now, he wants her forever.
‘Kim Jongin,’ she chuckles. Her eyes staring deep into his as she speaks, slowly, carefully, softly. ‘I can’t stay for long. I can’t be with you all the time.’
‘Why?’ Jongin is crying now; giving flying fucks of the thought that she might hate him, she might hate the fact the he’s crying now, sobbing and weeping like a baby, eyes red and heavy as the tears keep forming into the sides of his cheek.
He doesn’t care.
He wants her to know that he can’t survive alone, he doesn’t want to live alone.
‘Because you breathe and I don’t.’ She says matter of factly, her smiles are gone and her expression turns into this one serious look she would give him if Jongin being his usual dick-self, stubborn as a rock and doesn’t want to hear anything that he doesn’t want to. ‘Promise me, Jongin. From now on, you’re going to move on with your life. Without me.’
‘Have you, have you ever wondered of how extremely painful it is?' He whispers, eyes not moving an inch from her sight, “Living life without you there? Have you- thought that it’s never easy, never- even to pull up a blanket, I can’t-“
‘Love falls down with the rain.
Memories flow with the rain.’
Jongin looks up at her, Taehyo is now standing on the cold floor just right besides the window, looking at the world outside, singing. Her usual knack. She sings like there’s no tomorrow, like she pours everything into the melodies, her thoughts, her unspoken things, her heart, her mind, her soul. And when Taehyo turns and smiles at him, Jongin knows. Jongin knows that it is also hard for her. It’s also depressing and sad and sickening and she feels like crying all the time but who’s to blame? It’s already destined. It’s her fate. And she doesn’t want him to suffer as much as she is feeling now.
‘I think of you again
With the sound of the rain.’
And Jongin sings. He sings with her, for the first time out of so many years they’ve spent together. It’s the first time,
and the last time Jongin gets a chance to sing with her.
‘Even if you forget me,
Please remember me again.
When my yearning for you becomes too much and overflows,
The rain will call you again.’
“Will it- will the rain calls for you? Will you tell who’s up there- to- to tell the rain that -“ Jongin doesn’t get a chance to finish his sentence because Taehyo suddenly comes to him, her nose on his nose again, just like the last time. Jongin wants to cry again, wants to hold her close and would never let go, wants to lost in her eyes forever.
“I will.” She kisses his nose, a trickle of tears also falling down to the right side of her cheeks, into that perfect smile of hers. She still smiles, even though it hurts, even though the pain is indescribable, she urges to smile. Jongin wants to kiss the tears away, to make the pain gone, because he never wants to see her tears, never want to make her sad. So he clenches his jaw and restrained the tears as he cups her face on his hands, looking at her,
for the last time.
‘Promise me. You have to live.’
She says in a tune that Jongin would never shake off, would never denied, would never break.
‘I want you to place your hand over your heart. Feel that? That’s called purpose, Jongin. You’re alive for a reason.
Please don’t give up.’
And Jongin can’t say a thing instead of nodding his head so many times until his head hurts and his heart hurts more and he hears her soft ‘I love you’ whispers and the cold heavy air that follows suit after it.
She is gone.
She is not there anymore.
Jongin looks outside the window, the rain still there, so why won’t she? Because you breathe and I don’t, Idiot. He hears her nagging voice in his mind. And Jongin can’t help but smile, he’s smiling and crying at the same time, knowing that she won’t leave, knowing that she somehow would still occupied half of his heart even though she’s not here anymore.
Jongin decides to live.
And leave.
*
'Hoping that you will be smiling somewhere.
Just don’t forget this.
My wanting of loving you will fall next to you,
Following the rain.’
*
Tasya I know this is one fucked up angst. But I tried my best anyways. This is why I hate rainy days, it makes me think of sorrows and painful things. :)