experiment (you know what i just realized? you're the god damn devil!)
i listened in; yes, i'm guilty of this--you should know this. i broke down and wrote you back before you had a chance to. forget forgotten, i am moving past this, giving notice...i have to go. yes, i know the feeling, know you're leaving. calm down. i'm calling you to say i'm capsized, erring on the edge of safe. calm down. i'm calling back to say i'm home now. i'm coming around. spelled out your name and list the reasons faint of heart don't call me back. i imagined you when i was distant. non-insistent. i follow suit and laid out on my back...imagine that. a million hours left to think of you and think of that...
you're where it's at, and i know you want to see me lose my mind. i'm tired of chasing after you. the residue is jealous. see me on the dark side of your mind, to a club that's pounding in the london rain. the world could end, we won't hear it. i know just what's on your mind. i wanna get my hands on him. i see the way your face has changed. we're no good for each other. and at the end of your low, you pin my shoulders against the mattress, arching your frame with your stomach pushed outward...your head titling back with your mouth partially open. the sounds slur and elevate slowly in volume. when you wake up with your family gathered around, remember that our love was true, and i will not allow you to destroy yourself.
i was yours...right?
i am a prisoner in the sunlight. you are my cellmate in the darkness. there's a box full of mix tapes with titles you i came up with. they can show us where we came from, but not how to get back there. listening to the songs can't heal my broken fingers. it's just weight for the anchor to keep your ship here. she told me before, 'baby, do your own dance. stay off the highway. that doesn't mean you were born to run. either we're vain or we're broken hearted. if you're not begging for it, then it's not yours.'
maybe i would have been something you'd be good at. but now we'll never know. 'how you served five years under her, i don't know. you deserve a medal, or a holiday or at least a cuddle from somebody.'
so please, let the snow swallow the streets whole. keep the bus from coming. let us stay at home so we can avoid the daily drudgery, the cruelty fueled from laughter that will echo in our sleep. the bow cracked and i was capsizing. i sunk below where i swore i would never go.