Time's Steadfast Bastard Refusal To Hold Still
It's only one day off exactly a year since I last wrote in this thing! Ha. That's kind of fun, given that it was a total accident. I was looking for one of my old LJ icons which was the only copy of a picture I want to base a tattoo off and thus wandered in with no particular intentions to update, but, the coincidence amused me. I said yes when it asked me if I wanted to restore previous draft and this title is what came up as well - which amused me even more.
Sooo, stuff stuff stuff. What's happened in a year? I ought to be quite good at answering this because yesterday I had my yearly PhD progress review, but, my mind's totally blank and, frankly, the review was kind of chaos and I didn't get anything out of it beyond a brief but concentrated dose of stress and upset. So, wevs frevs on that. Basically, I'm somewhere between 'nearly finished my PhD' and 'not finished for ages but sort of on the way there', depending on how you slice it. But, you know, it's going ok, ish, even though it's hard work. I'm gradually cutting pretty much every other commitment out of my life apart from talking to mates (mostly online or by text) and going to conferences, which means I am super boring, but, it's less hassle.
I'm in quite a good mood today though, I think because it's the first day I've managed to just stay at home on my own and potter about (drawing and tidying up and facetime-chatting with Dewi) and not either writing for hours or feeling awful about how I should be writing.
I might try and update this thing a bit more, because, it seems like a nice way to keep track of projects/feelings/etc without it being super High Pressure. I'm trying to make myself do more mindfulness/positivity things lately, because, I've begun to realise that relying on other people to regulate my moods and mental health is never, ever going to work out. I've been feeling incredibly lonely lately (as well as for my whole life really) but also grateful for what I do have. I'm very ambivalent, ha! I don't know. I feel sad in some ways that the life I have chosen for myself (or think I have at the moment), the academic life, is going to be a very isolated one - just sitting in a room writing by myself, and moving city every year or so because of no long term jobs, and never really being able to talk to anyone either inside or outside the industry about it. But at the same time I feel really luck to be able to do something where no matter how hard the work may be it's work I really love, so, how many people can say that - that even when I hate it I love it too.
I'm trying to make more good things happen though instead of letting these isolation feelings make me retreat and hide away. I took myself on a bus/pylon photos/charity shop adventure the other day, and then cycled yesterday, and I'm making (tentative) plans to go to film screenings, on bike rides, do crafts etc with people - and having more skype/fb chat dates with mates - and I plan to organise a fat clothes swap this summer.
It does worry and upset me a lot to think that the thing I want most in the world now (a stable group of friends who live near me and I see a lot of and whose lives are really wrapped up in mine and vice versa) is probably never going to happen again. But at least I have a Gareth (7 years now, jeeez), and I have people who care about me somewhere even if not right by me, and I do know some people nearby so I'm not totally alone, and, nothing is impossible if you're willing to adjust your ideas of what you really want -- my ideal might be one thing, but is the happiness I get out of it only available in that format or can I get it in other ways? Find a workaround. Spring is round the corner. We can do this.
Sooo, stuff stuff stuff. What's happened in a year? I ought to be quite good at answering this because yesterday I had my yearly PhD progress review, but, my mind's totally blank and, frankly, the review was kind of chaos and I didn't get anything out of it beyond a brief but concentrated dose of stress and upset. So, wevs frevs on that. Basically, I'm somewhere between 'nearly finished my PhD' and 'not finished for ages but sort of on the way there', depending on how you slice it. But, you know, it's going ok, ish, even though it's hard work. I'm gradually cutting pretty much every other commitment out of my life apart from talking to mates (mostly online or by text) and going to conferences, which means I am super boring, but, it's less hassle.
I'm in quite a good mood today though, I think because it's the first day I've managed to just stay at home on my own and potter about (drawing and tidying up and facetime-chatting with Dewi) and not either writing for hours or feeling awful about how I should be writing.
I might try and update this thing a bit more, because, it seems like a nice way to keep track of projects/feelings/etc without it being super High Pressure. I'm trying to make myself do more mindfulness/positivity things lately, because, I've begun to realise that relying on other people to regulate my moods and mental health is never, ever going to work out. I've been feeling incredibly lonely lately (as well as for my whole life really) but also grateful for what I do have. I'm very ambivalent, ha! I don't know. I feel sad in some ways that the life I have chosen for myself (or think I have at the moment), the academic life, is going to be a very isolated one - just sitting in a room writing by myself, and moving city every year or so because of no long term jobs, and never really being able to talk to anyone either inside or outside the industry about it. But at the same time I feel really luck to be able to do something where no matter how hard the work may be it's work I really love, so, how many people can say that - that even when I hate it I love it too.
I'm trying to make more good things happen though instead of letting these isolation feelings make me retreat and hide away. I took myself on a bus/pylon photos/charity shop adventure the other day, and then cycled yesterday, and I'm making (tentative) plans to go to film screenings, on bike rides, do crafts etc with people - and having more skype/fb chat dates with mates - and I plan to organise a fat clothes swap this summer.
It does worry and upset me a lot to think that the thing I want most in the world now (a stable group of friends who live near me and I see a lot of and whose lives are really wrapped up in mine and vice versa) is probably never going to happen again. But at least I have a Gareth (7 years now, jeeez), and I have people who care about me somewhere even if not right by me, and I do know some people nearby so I'm not totally alone, and, nothing is impossible if you're willing to adjust your ideas of what you really want -- my ideal might be one thing, but is the happiness I get out of it only available in that format or can I get it in other ways? Find a workaround. Spring is round the corner. We can do this.