Shame, shame, shame
Most of 2019 was spent in a shame storm. I felt shame in the end of my marriage, that I was allowing him to continue to live in the house (from January thru June), and in the fact that my kids would be from a broken home. Shame and guilt are powerful forces. I didn't tell anyone about it for a couple of months due to this. I just wallowed, a coward and ultimately embarrassed shell of the person I was ten years before. Are my boys going to think it is okay to just up and leave their partner because their father did? Am I enough? Who am I? After shifting my entire life to caring for two kids and a husband I felt spent. I felt shame. I felt guilt.
Upon finding out that my older son needed to repeat kindergarten I knew I had to move schools. He had been attending the school I went to, in the Church where I was married, with the deacon who warned me I was marrying a stranger regularly saying mass there. Plus, the shame. I didn't want all these people I had grown up with knowing I had failed my marriage. I needed a new place where I could hang back and get to know people as an adult. Ultimately, that worked out better than I ever could have imagined.
Over the summer I indulged them in order to dull my own pain and hope that they'd think everything was okay. They got far too many new toys and followed far too few rules. I was in survival mode. Then in July he moved out. I thought this would end me. I thought I would miss him and feel this huge hole in my life. The first weeks were scary in that there was supposed to be a hurricane. My anxiety was already elevated and I'm still unsure how I got through that week. Then things went along fine. Much to my surprise, everything was easier. The house was cleaner and meals were easier to prepare. I coasted through the next months. Adjusting to our new normal.
I found Amazon Music, an app that I got for free with our Prime account. I started listening to music for the first time in six years. Casually at first, it an "oh, I haven't heard that in forever!" way.
One night in mid-December, while the boys were in the bath, I was lying on my younger son's bed and I heard the song. My ah-ha moment. There is my shame and guilt before hearing this song and our life since. The song is "Falling" by Harry Styles. In the song he sings "What am I now? What am I know? What if I'm someone I don't want around? I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling" which hit me cold. I remember thinking "holy crap." Then, separated from the rest of the song is the defining moment of 2019. He sings
"And I get the feeling that you'll never need me again."
In one phrase he perfectly captured the end. The end of everything. Have you ever felt something in the core of who you are as a person? I heard that and the light went off in my brain and heart. I felt it something deep. I didn't need him. I didn't miss him. I was never going to need him again. I feel like this is a man's greatest fear - not being needed. And I don't need him. I am everything I need. I am doing it myself and I am going to do it well. I'm going to raise my boys to be good men. I can take care of my house. I can live in a way that I can support. And I can do it without him.
The shame of the end of my marriage is gone. I am free.
Upon finding out that my older son needed to repeat kindergarten I knew I had to move schools. He had been attending the school I went to, in the Church where I was married, with the deacon who warned me I was marrying a stranger regularly saying mass there. Plus, the shame. I didn't want all these people I had grown up with knowing I had failed my marriage. I needed a new place where I could hang back and get to know people as an adult. Ultimately, that worked out better than I ever could have imagined.
Over the summer I indulged them in order to dull my own pain and hope that they'd think everything was okay. They got far too many new toys and followed far too few rules. I was in survival mode. Then in July he moved out. I thought this would end me. I thought I would miss him and feel this huge hole in my life. The first weeks were scary in that there was supposed to be a hurricane. My anxiety was already elevated and I'm still unsure how I got through that week. Then things went along fine. Much to my surprise, everything was easier. The house was cleaner and meals were easier to prepare. I coasted through the next months. Adjusting to our new normal.
I found Amazon Music, an app that I got for free with our Prime account. I started listening to music for the first time in six years. Casually at first, it an "oh, I haven't heard that in forever!" way.
One night in mid-December, while the boys were in the bath, I was lying on my younger son's bed and I heard the song. My ah-ha moment. There is my shame and guilt before hearing this song and our life since. The song is "Falling" by Harry Styles. In the song he sings "What am I now? What am I know? What if I'm someone I don't want around? I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling" which hit me cold. I remember thinking "holy crap." Then, separated from the rest of the song is the defining moment of 2019. He sings
"And I get the feeling that you'll never need me again."
In one phrase he perfectly captured the end. The end of everything. Have you ever felt something in the core of who you are as a person? I heard that and the light went off in my brain and heart. I felt it something deep. I didn't need him. I didn't miss him. I was never going to need him again. I feel like this is a man's greatest fear - not being needed. And I don't need him. I am everything I need. I am doing it myself and I am going to do it well. I'm going to raise my boys to be good men. I can take care of my house. I can live in a way that I can support. And I can do it without him.
The shame of the end of my marriage is gone. I am free.