My PPD: Part 1
Let's talk about Postpartum depression. Or even just the huge influx of hormones that are released once your baby is born. After my first son was born I was shaken. It wasn't just the "baby blues," it was sobbing in the closet. It was counting down the hours until bedtime. It was feeling like my life was over. It was anxiety attacks and waking in panic at night that I would suffocate him while sleeping.
The clearest example I can give of my rational state: One night I cried because our dog had eaten her dinner super fast and I was sure she was starving. The next she didn't eat it right away and I was positive she was sad. She was a beagle who had eaten two dinners the night before and table scraps all day. She was full.
After 5 weeks, one night I thinking how I was the absolute worst person to care for my baby. I figured I'd leave he and my husband and they'd be better off. I then cried because I didn't have anywhere I could go that I wouldn't be found. It was a crippling, debilitating fear that weighed me down. The next day I called my doctor, explained I wasn't in danger of hurting my baby or myself, but I needed help. I started Zoloft which relieved the anxiety at least. Honestly, I remember very, very little of the first six months of his life.
I lost touch with people. I stopped paying attention to things that used to interest me. I became obsessed with children's toys and clothes. I felt like a hollow shell of a person but gosh darn it my kid would be dressed like I had it together. Which is, honestly, the same thing I had done to myself for a few years before that.
Here's a secret: the only thing clothes change about you is your bank account. Otherwise, you are still the same person. You are still insecure, your stomach is still bigger than you'd like, your hair is still falling out- you just have less money now.
Once he turned six months old I started to socialize with other moms. I found a MeetUp group and met some people I really enjoyed the company of. We did some Mom & Me classes. Got out of the house and started to have a little fun with it.
A couple months after his first birthday, we moved back to our house in a different city because it wasn't selling and we could no longer afford the lifestyle. I lost my mom group. I came back to a city where there wasn't a mom group to be found. I was isolated again. I had my family nearby again but there wasn't anyone with little kids.
I also never felt like I could leave him with anyone. Why? I'm not sure. I still to this day grapple with it.
A month after we moved, SURPRISE! I was pregnant again. I had always wanted two kids. But after what I had just gotten through I was scared. The night I had the positive test I cried myself to sleep. I felt like I was just getting my life together and now it was going to change again.
The boys are 2 years/1 day apart in August.
The clearest example I can give of my rational state: One night I cried because our dog had eaten her dinner super fast and I was sure she was starving. The next she didn't eat it right away and I was positive she was sad. She was a beagle who had eaten two dinners the night before and table scraps all day. She was full.
After 5 weeks, one night I thinking how I was the absolute worst person to care for my baby. I figured I'd leave he and my husband and they'd be better off. I then cried because I didn't have anywhere I could go that I wouldn't be found. It was a crippling, debilitating fear that weighed me down. The next day I called my doctor, explained I wasn't in danger of hurting my baby or myself, but I needed help. I started Zoloft which relieved the anxiety at least. Honestly, I remember very, very little of the first six months of his life.
I lost touch with people. I stopped paying attention to things that used to interest me. I became obsessed with children's toys and clothes. I felt like a hollow shell of a person but gosh darn it my kid would be dressed like I had it together. Which is, honestly, the same thing I had done to myself for a few years before that.
Here's a secret: the only thing clothes change about you is your bank account. Otherwise, you are still the same person. You are still insecure, your stomach is still bigger than you'd like, your hair is still falling out- you just have less money now.
Once he turned six months old I started to socialize with other moms. I found a MeetUp group and met some people I really enjoyed the company of. We did some Mom & Me classes. Got out of the house and started to have a little fun with it.
A couple months after his first birthday, we moved back to our house in a different city because it wasn't selling and we could no longer afford the lifestyle. I lost my mom group. I came back to a city where there wasn't a mom group to be found. I was isolated again. I had my family nearby again but there wasn't anyone with little kids.
I also never felt like I could leave him with anyone. Why? I'm not sure. I still to this day grapple with it.
A month after we moved, SURPRISE! I was pregnant again. I had always wanted two kids. But after what I had just gotten through I was scared. The night I had the positive test I cried myself to sleep. I felt like I was just getting my life together and now it was going to change again.
The boys are 2 years/1 day apart in August.