Picking yourself up is so hard to do - - - - but it's so worth it!
Well so much has happened since my last post. I want to thank everyone that left such kind words on my last post and apologize for not replying. Life took such a nasty turn but in reality it was a long slow turn that I could have changed the path of at any point and chose not to.
After the episode of my mother throwing me and the kiddos out I stayed with my good friend Pam and her family for two days before pulling my head out of my ass and calling my mother to work things out. She accepeted us back however I didn't keep my end of the bargain by seeking medical help for possible diabetic seizures and severe depression. My mother therefore filed an affidavit against me and the county sheriff came and took me to the local hospital for bloodwork and then delivered me to a local rehab hospital where they work with people with addictions as well as severe depression. I remained there for 8 days on medication and until they determined I was no longer a harm to myself or anyone else. I don't agree with how it had to happen but I do agree it needed to happen. I felt the best I had felt in a long time however the superman feeling made me go right back to the same friends that had drug me down before with their lies, deceit and drugs.
On Sunday, January 26 I was in the process of making a drug deal when karma bit me in the ass and my car died in a very bad area of Atlanta. I was stranded for 5 hours on the side of the road with a friend {supposedly} and my 3 year old son. We weren't picked up until 2:00 AM and it was scary as hell. The outcome of the bad karma was a dead car, my mom was angry, my "supposed" friend took the drugs to be delivered, drug recipient was angry, I didn't return the drugs nor money to the supplier - my world crashed hard.
The next day I started out by trying to locate my kids' dad to see if he could take the kids - by noon I had no luck so I decided to find someone to watch James while Breyana was still at school so I could do what I have done in the past when problems arise - run like the coward I am. This time would be different - I would make sure that I couldn't harm anyone anymore or fail - I counted the pills left in my 3 prescriptions and walked to the convenience store to purchase a fresh razor blade. One, two, three phone calls later - noone was available to watch James - I wanted to do this before I changed my mind - - 2:30 Breyana would be getting home soon - - I cried and cried and finally it was 3:00 and Breyana was opening the door - I couldn't do it now - damn those few feelings I have left - damn me damn me damn me.
I am alive today because of karma. I am alive today because of my kids. I am alive today because of wonderful friends. I am alive today because of me.
A very good friend told me something very important: "If you kill yourself your kids will blame themselves - is that what you want?"
If I can't think of one reason to stay alive - I simply ask myself that question and that is one reason enough - I love you Paige {mysticalways} and thank you for caring enough to say it!!!
After the episode of my mother throwing me and the kiddos out I stayed with my good friend Pam and her family for two days before pulling my head out of my ass and calling my mother to work things out. She accepeted us back however I didn't keep my end of the bargain by seeking medical help for possible diabetic seizures and severe depression. My mother therefore filed an affidavit against me and the county sheriff came and took me to the local hospital for bloodwork and then delivered me to a local rehab hospital where they work with people with addictions as well as severe depression. I remained there for 8 days on medication and until they determined I was no longer a harm to myself or anyone else. I don't agree with how it had to happen but I do agree it needed to happen. I felt the best I had felt in a long time however the superman feeling made me go right back to the same friends that had drug me down before with their lies, deceit and drugs.
On Sunday, January 26 I was in the process of making a drug deal when karma bit me in the ass and my car died in a very bad area of Atlanta. I was stranded for 5 hours on the side of the road with a friend {supposedly} and my 3 year old son. We weren't picked up until 2:00 AM and it was scary as hell. The outcome of the bad karma was a dead car, my mom was angry, my "supposed" friend took the drugs to be delivered, drug recipient was angry, I didn't return the drugs nor money to the supplier - my world crashed hard.
The next day I started out by trying to locate my kids' dad to see if he could take the kids - by noon I had no luck so I decided to find someone to watch James while Breyana was still at school so I could do what I have done in the past when problems arise - run like the coward I am. This time would be different - I would make sure that I couldn't harm anyone anymore or fail - I counted the pills left in my 3 prescriptions and walked to the convenience store to purchase a fresh razor blade. One, two, three phone calls later - noone was available to watch James - I wanted to do this before I changed my mind - - 2:30 Breyana would be getting home soon - - I cried and cried and finally it was 3:00 and Breyana was opening the door - I couldn't do it now - damn those few feelings I have left - damn me damn me damn me.
I am alive today because of karma. I am alive today because of my kids. I am alive today because of wonderful friends. I am alive today because of me.
A very good friend told me something very important: "If you kill yourself your kids will blame themselves - is that what you want?"
If I can't think of one reason to stay alive - I simply ask myself that question and that is one reason enough - I love you Paige {mysticalways} and thank you for caring enough to say it!!!