you make me feel unwelcome.
today i saw andy and i thought i was going insane because he moved to florida a couple months ago.
but i wasn't. it was really him. and i love the hell out of him and i was excited.
i saw him twice and hugged him more than that and he is the only person in the world that can crack the top part of my back with a hug. and i love him so terribly much and wish he stayed longer and i got to know him better. even though we don't know eachother very well, we love the hell out of eachother anyway and i think it's a beautiful thing.
but um, i feel unwelcome in my life right now. other than that andy incident. my friends don't really talk to me anymore--which i don't mind that much, because hey, i'm not talking to them either, right? i don't blame them. i'm not even very hurt i'm just like, bleh whatever.
i don't have a crush or love of my life and haven't for a couple months and i just feel out of the circulation because i don't even find it appealing to have a boyfriend or anything.
i've stopped wearing make up because it's too much fucking work in the mornings and i don't have the time nor patience nor will.
at the beginning of school, i made sure i looked pretty good every day. i even straightened my hair somedays. at the middle, i ceased the straightening and stuck with make up and a bun or just let my hair out. currently, i don't care about my hair or make up or anything else for that matter. i just want to get this over with so i can fucking party.
and i realize sometimes people use their friends. their "friends." like what lisa is doing to me. we're not really friends, we just live close by and sometimes party together and talk about stuff sometimes. but once someone bigger and better comes around, i get the boot. not that i mind, she feeds me and that's all i want.
i don't feel the need to do drugs or drink anymore, but i sorta would like to at the moment. i need to just chill out. and most people would read this and say, what the fuck? you're so chill already, i don't get it.
and i guess i am chill but only on the outside. i MAKE myself chill. on the inside i am tormenting myself every day about every possible scenario.
oh, and i saw brett today too. i was happy--sorta, at first. but then i realized i had no make up on, my clothes were dirty and shabby, and my hair was messy and i was a bit overdue for a shower?
our conversation went sorta like this...
Me: BRETT!!!!
Brett: (looks at me) hey.
Me: hey. haven't talked to you in a long time.
Brett: i know.
Me: k..
Brett: haven't talked to you in a long time.
Me: i know.
Brett: ...
Me: alright then.
Brett: yeah
Me: later
Brett: okay
it took aaaabout 25 seconds to finish.
and i can't believe the last time i saw him, i was making out with him. now we can't even hold a conversation. i know that part of the reason is that he was looking for sam(his girlfriend) and sam hates me anddddd i don't know. i just, whatever. i thought i liked him but i like him as much as i would dog shit on my shoe.
so, to sum up my life in one word:
unwelcome.
and i need to take a shower and it's only not even 11 but i sorta don't feel like it and i don't even care but i do have to stay afterschool tomorrow till 6 or so, so i might be better off taking one right this second.
i guess i just convinced myself right there.
goodbye, people.
and yes, you are unwelcome here too.
but i wasn't. it was really him. and i love the hell out of him and i was excited.
i saw him twice and hugged him more than that and he is the only person in the world that can crack the top part of my back with a hug. and i love him so terribly much and wish he stayed longer and i got to know him better. even though we don't know eachother very well, we love the hell out of eachother anyway and i think it's a beautiful thing.
but um, i feel unwelcome in my life right now. other than that andy incident. my friends don't really talk to me anymore--which i don't mind that much, because hey, i'm not talking to them either, right? i don't blame them. i'm not even very hurt i'm just like, bleh whatever.
i don't have a crush or love of my life and haven't for a couple months and i just feel out of the circulation because i don't even find it appealing to have a boyfriend or anything.
i've stopped wearing make up because it's too much fucking work in the mornings and i don't have the time nor patience nor will.
at the beginning of school, i made sure i looked pretty good every day. i even straightened my hair somedays. at the middle, i ceased the straightening and stuck with make up and a bun or just let my hair out. currently, i don't care about my hair or make up or anything else for that matter. i just want to get this over with so i can fucking party.
and i realize sometimes people use their friends. their "friends." like what lisa is doing to me. we're not really friends, we just live close by and sometimes party together and talk about stuff sometimes. but once someone bigger and better comes around, i get the boot. not that i mind, she feeds me and that's all i want.
i don't feel the need to do drugs or drink anymore, but i sorta would like to at the moment. i need to just chill out. and most people would read this and say, what the fuck? you're so chill already, i don't get it.
and i guess i am chill but only on the outside. i MAKE myself chill. on the inside i am tormenting myself every day about every possible scenario.
oh, and i saw brett today too. i was happy--sorta, at first. but then i realized i had no make up on, my clothes were dirty and shabby, and my hair was messy and i was a bit overdue for a shower?
our conversation went sorta like this...
Me: BRETT!!!!
Brett: (looks at me) hey.
Me: hey. haven't talked to you in a long time.
Brett: i know.
Me: k..
Brett: haven't talked to you in a long time.
Me: i know.
Brett: ...
Me: alright then.
Brett: yeah
Me: later
Brett: okay
it took aaaabout 25 seconds to finish.
and i can't believe the last time i saw him, i was making out with him. now we can't even hold a conversation. i know that part of the reason is that he was looking for sam(his girlfriend) and sam hates me anddddd i don't know. i just, whatever. i thought i liked him but i like him as much as i would dog shit on my shoe.
so, to sum up my life in one word:
unwelcome.
and i need to take a shower and it's only not even 11 but i sorta don't feel like it and i don't even care but i do have to stay afterschool tomorrow till 6 or so, so i might be better off taking one right this second.
i guess i just convinced myself right there.
goodbye, people.
and yes, you are unwelcome here too.