Update..
I haven't updated in so long because i felt hurt, Someone told me something very hurtful and i didn't wanna bother anyone with my emotions.. But i can't keep it in anymore.. it hurts way too bad.
My grannie died 9/26. I had the chance.. to say goodbye but i messed up. I was asked by my mother to go to the hospital and i said no, just so i could talk to this girl i felt so strongely for, i didn't know that'd be my last time seeing her alive. I had written her a poem while she was in the hospital, and if i would have gone that way, i would have gotten to read her it. Would of made sure she knew before she died that i loved her so much, so greatly. I wanted her to know i made mistakes, i lied to her countless times, said i'd stay the night and just ditched her, I barely stopped by.. Seeing her hurt me so bad but i shouldn't have been so weak. I should not have walked out of the hospital room those two days, i should have stayed. The first day i seen her, i felt like i couldn't breathe.. seeing her all hooked up to those tubes, tears rushed to my eyes and i did what i always do, i ran away. The second day i returned but this time with the support of my friends, dawn and amy, amy went in with me and i told my grannie i loved her.. I didn't know what to say.. i said i had come to see her and she shook her head.. my heart hit the floor at that moment.. and i once again ran. She passed on and i went to the visatation.. with steve and nikki. I tried my hardest not to cry and i believe i did pretty well. I kissed my grannie on the cheek thats when i started to cry. Me and my nephew got her flowers and put them near the casket. The next day i went to the funeral service, a fight broke out outside, verbal at first. Then we all went in and grandma's husband wanted to fist fight my dad outside.. all this fighting broke out on her day. When it was time to share poems and speak i went up to the podium with nikki. I was shaking. I borrowed the priests words "I didn't come here to take sides, i came here to take over, How dare you fight on a day like today, today is her day, today is about her and for you to fight on a day like this, Today is a day to ignore cold glances and harsh words, today is a day to mourn her loss and thats how it should be" I started shaking more and took a break, holding back tears. Then i read my speech and the next thing that followed was the poem.. Several lines struck me hard and i paused to cry.. i couldn't hold it in any longer. Finished up and went to my seat still crying. Nikki comforted me. I know i should learned to deal with this, i know. But she basically raised me, i was her baby.. Thinking that shes gone tears me up so bad. I don't know how to deal with the pain, the loss. And for someone to take me aside and tell me to try and not be so down.. because it hurts them seeing me like that. Im sorry i was grieving, thats why i didn't take your advice. I listened, i took thought to it but im sorry i just couldn't pretend to be alright, i was trying to be optismic as much as i could.
Oh and im not a stogie kid anymore. Oh fucking well.
I may be hurt beyond repair or i may just need some fucking time to cope. Thank you.
My grannie died 9/26. I had the chance.. to say goodbye but i messed up. I was asked by my mother to go to the hospital and i said no, just so i could talk to this girl i felt so strongely for, i didn't know that'd be my last time seeing her alive. I had written her a poem while she was in the hospital, and if i would have gone that way, i would have gotten to read her it. Would of made sure she knew before she died that i loved her so much, so greatly. I wanted her to know i made mistakes, i lied to her countless times, said i'd stay the night and just ditched her, I barely stopped by.. Seeing her hurt me so bad but i shouldn't have been so weak. I should not have walked out of the hospital room those two days, i should have stayed. The first day i seen her, i felt like i couldn't breathe.. seeing her all hooked up to those tubes, tears rushed to my eyes and i did what i always do, i ran away. The second day i returned but this time with the support of my friends, dawn and amy, amy went in with me and i told my grannie i loved her.. I didn't know what to say.. i said i had come to see her and she shook her head.. my heart hit the floor at that moment.. and i once again ran. She passed on and i went to the visatation.. with steve and nikki. I tried my hardest not to cry and i believe i did pretty well. I kissed my grannie on the cheek thats when i started to cry. Me and my nephew got her flowers and put them near the casket. The next day i went to the funeral service, a fight broke out outside, verbal at first. Then we all went in and grandma's husband wanted to fist fight my dad outside.. all this fighting broke out on her day. When it was time to share poems and speak i went up to the podium with nikki. I was shaking. I borrowed the priests words "I didn't come here to take sides, i came here to take over, How dare you fight on a day like today, today is her day, today is about her and for you to fight on a day like this, Today is a day to ignore cold glances and harsh words, today is a day to mourn her loss and thats how it should be" I started shaking more and took a break, holding back tears. Then i read my speech and the next thing that followed was the poem.. Several lines struck me hard and i paused to cry.. i couldn't hold it in any longer. Finished up and went to my seat still crying. Nikki comforted me. I know i should learned to deal with this, i know. But she basically raised me, i was her baby.. Thinking that shes gone tears me up so bad. I don't know how to deal with the pain, the loss. And for someone to take me aside and tell me to try and not be so down.. because it hurts them seeing me like that. Im sorry i was grieving, thats why i didn't take your advice. I listened, i took thought to it but im sorry i just couldn't pretend to be alright, i was trying to be optismic as much as i could.
Oh and im not a stogie kid anymore. Oh fucking well.
I may be hurt beyond repair or i may just need some fucking time to cope. Thank you.