HOLY SHIT WALL OF TEXT
I was engaged. I was engaged to a young man, Kyle Sommerville. We were very much in love. We spent many a crazy nights in our dorm together with our kickass roommate Mike and it was great. We were deeply in love. We had our problems, but we were happy together.
Then we got an apartment together. And things between us changed. We began fighting constantly over things that couples shouldn't even fight about. "That car is too rusted out, I would never drive something like that." "That's not too rusted." "In my opinion, it is." "Well, you're wrong, there's worse." I tried telling Kyle what was happening and every time I would bring it up, he would tell me, "This is who I am. You need to learn to live with it." Eventually, I felt as though I couldn't voice my opinions or else I'd be told I was wrong and that I had to learn to live with it. That I wasn't entitled to my own opinions. I grew more and more uncomfortable around him. Found myself not talking to him about anything. Found myself unable to make love to him. Found myself unable to share a bed with him. I stayed up every night online talking to friends I'd made through the internet. One person, in particular, that I had met through the game World of Warcraft was comforting me in my stress. He helped me feel strong enough to stand up to Kyle and end things with him.
Immediately after Kyle and I broke up, this friend from WoW, Jaimz, because we had expressed interest in one another, assumed that we were going to be together and be something. I, by no means, was ready for something like that. I was interested in meeting him and seeing what could become of us, but I had just gotten out of a 10 month relationship, an engagement. In my discomfort with Kyle, we'd begun making wedding plans. I had just spent around 400 dollars on a dress, tiara, and veil. I was, by no means, ready for another relationship. However, Jaimz continued to pressure me about it, going as far as to express how upset he was that I had kissed someone else when we were a.) not committed to one another in any way and b.) lived 10 hours away from one another.
Eventually when I went down to visit Jaimz, I spent the entire time I was there comparing and contrasting him to the ten month relationship I had just gotten out of. I spent the entire weekend telling myself I wasn't ready to get into a relationship. Yet when he asked, I felt that since we'd had sex and he'd given me his virginity, I had no choice but to say yes. I instantly regretted it when I got on the phone with Kyle on my way home and heard him broke down.
But I stuck with it. I tried to ride it out. I fought with the depression of living with my ex I was still in love with; I fought with the depression of being ten hours away from the guy I was in a relationship with. I struggled while Kyle lied to me about girls that he was pursuing things with to keep me close to him. I struggled as Kyle talked shit about me to all our mutual friends and they faded away from me, leaving me stranded. I struggled when I got sick and the only person there to take care of me was Kyle. Meanwhile, Jaimz continued to distance himself from me more and more. As I talked more and more to Jaimz's best friend, I came to find things in his personality that upset me. The line finally came when I had a friend down from out of town for the weekend and wouldn't stay up all night on the phone with him like I usually would because I had company. When I mentioned I would be going up to see same said friend and other friends (including one of my best friends, whom I'd blown off an entire weekend with to talk to Jaimz on the phone all weekend once before) the next weekend, he whined about not getting to talk to me on the phone.
It was at that moment that I knew we weren't able to make it work. And we talked about it and decided to break up. I still cared deeply about him, and if we'd been close by to one another, I think we might have been able to do it. But the circumstances were not there for us. We talked about how we missed each other quite a bit in the next week, and I think he thought I wanted him back. But it always came down to it, "this can not work."
The next day after Jaimz and I broke up, I got asked on a date. To be honest, I didn't know it was a date at first. I had to ask three people based on the question, whether or not I was asked on a date. I'd said yes, because the person who asked me seemed interesting. I assumed it would be a date and nothing more...he lived four hours away, and I by no means was going to be willing to try another long distance thing. I was hoping casual dating might help break my funk from my ex-fiance. Of course, planning this date didn't really help me when I spent the time around the planning growing closer and closer to Kyle, to the point where the night before I went up to visit my friends and go on this date, we spent the night in the same bed, cuddling and talking about the possibility of working things out. But I told him, I want to see how things go this weekend first.
Now, the boy that I was going on the date with, his name is Rob. I have my two best friends, Tina and Brandon...and Brandon has me and Rob. We began talking because he wanted advice on how to live with your ex, and Brandon suggested he talk to me about it since I'd been doing it for three months. We hit it off and we had a lot in common and found a really good connection. He wasn't the best looking guy in the world, but his personality made up for it. As a joke, Rob and I had decided to try to set his ex-girlfriend, Samantha, and Kyle up. We thought that since they were both liars and selfish people, it might work out for them. This wound up hurting me more than it helped me, however, because I would see him nightly be talking to her or on the phone with her. Seeing him move on again was killing me.
I went on the date. He was awkward around me almost the entire time, and I didn't quite know what to think. I'm used to a kiss on the first date, and the fact that we didn't confused me...however, the fact that he asked if I wanted to try a relationship in the middle of our date confused me even more. While I realized that he wasn't aware I'd just gotten out of a long-distance relationship, I hadn't really expressed the willingness to try one any time soon. I told him I wasn't ready. The rest of the evening he distanced himself from me, apparently thinking that I wasn't interested and just letting him down easy.
We wound up going to a party that night, and for the first time since homecoming last year, I got plastered. Plastered to the point where, as per usual, I found myself making out with a girl. There are embarrassing pictures of this. But also while drunk, Rob and I kind of got that overly-open thing and not only did I tell him I really did like him, I was just still in love with Kyle, but we talked about Jaimz and Kyle and Sam and a bunch of other stuff. We wound up sleeping together that night. We woke up the next morning, and we cuddled and kissed and talked about the things that he remembered, including me still being in love with Kyle and my depression. Then he went to work and I fought off a mild hangover.
When Rob got home, Brandon had already been there with us and we were joined by my friend Patrick. The four of us hung out in the bedroom while Rob's ex-girlfriend/roommate, Samantha, finally came home. We hid out in the bedroom while she was out in the living room. She was sick, and she was also depressed, so we kind of wanted to stay out of her hair. About every five minutes, if Rob was in the bedroom with us, she was calling her name for him to come out and take care of her...get her soup...make her soup...meanwhile he's trying to balance three guests and make us dinner. It's dramatic and interesting and eventually he gets Sam on the phone with Kyle, and we load up to drive Patrick home because he's missed his train home.
Now, to backtrack a bit, the reason Sam and Rob broke up the first time is because she decided she didn't want to be with him. Then she realized she wanted him back and he wouldn't and wouldn't and wouldn't...and finally he took her back. But he didn't trust her after he took her back and installed a keylogger on his computer to record AIM conversations. And the day after they got back together, he read a conversation between her and a guy that she'd been talking to about how they were going to mess around that weekend. He broke right back up with her. After this, he was using the keylogger to read and laugh at hers and Kyle's conversations. He showed them to me while I was there. Now, the thing about them, is they were completely opposite of what he'd been telling me about their conversations. So I was upset that he was lying to me and felt he'd been jerking me around about her so that I would come back to him, but he'd have a backup in case I didn't.
So on the way to taking Patrick home, I began texting with Kyle. She'd told Rob that he was bitching about me on the phone with her, and I was pissed. He and I began fighting via text message which eventually evolved into a screaming match on the phone that lasted from the moment Patrick got out of the car until well after we got back to the apartment. I walked in and walked straight out to the balcony and continued my screaming match. Meanwhile, I can hear from the open bedroom that Sam and Rob have begun one of their own.
Kyle and I end our argument with "I love you, I'll see you tomorrow," and me going inside and falling to the floor and breaking down in tears, feeling, once again, manipulated and brought to my knees on a situation that shouldn't have ever happened. After awhile, Rob came out to see me like this and he told Sam he couldn't stay the night. The two of us went out to his van.
We stayed up all night in his van and talked. I told him about how I'd tried moving out on Kyle many times after we broke up, but he always got me to come back. I told him how much I hated college and felt it wasn't for me, but I didn't want to disappoint my father. I told him about my dreams for the future and the pain I was in and the struggles I was going through. I told him about the times Kyle had lied to me about girls before and how he'd twisted things so that we could be close. He told me how he'd decided he didn't want to date me, that the Kyle thing was too much baggage, but he wanted to be good friends. I was upset by that, but I understood and thought it was for the best anyway. However, the more we talked and the more the night progressed, the more we started to connect again and felt close again...and wound up sleeping together again. (For those of you familiar with the term, this is when I lost The Contest.) Eventually we decided it was too cold and cramped in the van and went back upstairs, where we curled up together in his bed and slept an hour past the alarm I'd set to go back to Indiana to make the concert I was supposed to see for a class.
However, that night, while in the van, we discussed me moving in with him and Sam. It wasn't necessarily that I needed somewhere to go - I have always had the option I have now, to come home. It's that I needed the help in the strength to actually leave. Every other time, I'd always turned around. I needed someone to not let me answer the phone. To keep me from letting his tears keep me there. So he asked Sam and she told him that it was fine and so we let ourselves sleep through the alarm so we could get up and get to the apartment when Kyle wasn't there to pack things up and move me out. We drove down together discussing how much I needed this. On the way down, Jaimz called and I updated him on how the weekend and date had gone...and then we began to argue yet again about some of our problems. He talked about how what I'd done upsetted him and how he missed me. But the talk went nowhere and eventually I pushed him off the phone.
Kyle was not there, when we got there, but he arrived almost just as I'd finished packing. And he wanted to talk about it. Alone. Rob let the two of us talk alone in the bedroom, where basically Kyle cried and I told him I had to go, and the words were cyclical. I told him I was hurting and I couldn't stay with him. Finally Rob knocked on the door and told us it was time to go. As I finished pulling things out of the apartment, Rob went in and said to him, "I am doing this as a friend. You have no idea how much you hurt that girl." This kept Kyle from coming out of the bedroom, presumably because a comment like that would make any man furious. And I didn't see him again until I had closed the door to the apartment. I rested my head against it to begin crying, and it opened right back up and my face was in Kyle's face. It was then that I pulled myself away to go.
That night, Sam and Rob began to argue about the fact that he and I had shared a bed the night before. She was upset that they'd set the boundaries that they wouldn't have people over and he'd broken that with me. She was also upset because he'd told her, like he had me, that he didn't want to date me. This, obviously, had changed. She was still depressed over him and eventually they decided it wasn't for the best for her to be living there. That it was bad for her and bad for him. So she left, leaving behind her devil cat. After this, he and I discussed whether we wanted to find another roommate or if we thought that I could just continue my job at Old Navy and get another job to cover the other half of rent. We decided that I would go ahead and be the second roommate.
Days passed by and Rob began getting pouty and whiny that we lived together and acted very much like a couple, but still could not be officially together. I was, by no means, ready to be in another relationship. I was not over Kyle, and I had not had the time to myself I needed to make sure I was comfortable with myself before I began dating again. But guilt piled on guilt, and eventually I asked him out before I was ready. Not long after, during the same day I asked him out, he told me he loved me. I'd said to him before we began dating that the next guy I was with that said he loved me in the first month of our relationship, I would break up with. Rob knew this. I felt guilty. I said it back.
But we got close. And it wasn't long before I was able to find myself feeling the emotions and convincing myself it was okay that I was in a relationship. That the distance between Kyle and I would get me over him, and that I was rediscovering myself in this new town anyway. I began working with Old Navy to transfer me and began unpacking.
Shortly after I moved in, Rob began skipping his classes. Now, as a college dropout after a year and half a semester, I feel I am familiar enough with college to be able to give people advice...especially about skipping classes, since I'm not technically a sophomore since I skipped so much English I had to drop it my first semester of college. I tried to help him with this but he began snapping at me for it and giving me shit for trying to explain to him why it was bad he was skipping these classes. On top of this, we went and got drunk together with the same people we'd drank with before, and towards the end of the night, after I'd already been depressed-drunk all night, he forgot I was on his lap and stood up, throwing me forcibly across the room. After all this, I got uncomfortable around him.
Meanwhile, unpacking entailed a lot of things relating to memories with Kyle. One of which included changing my Build-a-Bear out of her wedding dress. My discomfort with Rob's snapping at me and my missing Kyle, on top of some random Samantha drama involving money and her clothing, I found myself one night out on the balcony crying and singing Kyle and I's song to myself. I called him and we got to talking. I told him what was going and he told me he was worried about me. He didn't really trust Rob, and he thought that if I was starting to have doubts, I was probably better off not there. We got into the I-miss-you thing and I told him I'd let him know what I decided.
The next morning when I tried to wake him up for class, Rob was a dick to me yet again. When I called Kyle, I told him that I was going to pack when Rob was at a job interview, and leave that night when he was out with Sam. I was coming back to him. So I did just that. Packed while Rob was at the interview. Hid all the evidence that I'd packed. Loaded the car up and left when he was out with Samantha. I left him a note explaining why I'd left. He called me while I was getting ready to merge on the tollway, and in complete fear expecting anger and what not, I picked up to hear him crying, begging me to come back and talk. I broke down and turned around. And I held him while he cried, meanwhile texting Kyle telling him it was postponed. The night moved on and I began to not know what I wanted anymore, as all my feelings for Rob came rushing back, and I told Kyle...I'm spending the night here. I'll make a decision in the morning.
I woke up the next morning and looked Rob in the eye and realized I loved him. I texted Kyle and told him I was going to be fair. I'd come down and give him a chance, to see if I still felt that same feeling with him. That I wouldn't make the decision without making sure I felt it was right. I would come down over the weekend. While Kyle and I planned this, I got a text message from my brother...our parents were going out of town. He was having a party and I was invited. Bring Tina. So I planned to spend Friday night and Saturday during the day with Kyle, go up and spend Saturday night at my brother's house, and then Sunday after spending some more time with Tina, drive back to either stay with Rob or to pick up the remainder of my stuff.
The date with Kyle was pretty much a flop. After talking to Jaimz about meaningless shit for the first half of the drive (I was trying, I really was...after he started distancing himself from me, he was never really good at creating conversation that held my attention), and alternating talking to Sam and Rob through the middle, followed with mass texting between me and Kyle and me and Rob for the end part of my drive, I arrived in Muncie. I walked in and as soon as Kyle hugged me, things felt off. We went to dinner together. We watched a movie together and he held me. I read a letter he'd written about all the things he loved about me. But in the end, I didn't feel that spark with him. We cuddled together that night, but I woke up the next morning and looked into his eyes and didn't feel that love. I told him I was going back to Rob. He cried for awhile as I packed the remainder of my stuff up, but he calmed down and we sat around and talked...and then he wound up insulting me about things involving Rob a few times and I told him that I wasn't putting up with that and left early.
My brother's kegger, without any details, was completely hell on earth. What was supposed to be the relaxing highlight of my weekend now still gives me the chills to think about. I wound up having to leave in the middle of the night to keep myself from breaking down crying. I arrived around 6am back at Rob's apartment, where he held me while I fell asleep a complete mess. I woke up the next day to a bunch of drama with Samantha wanting to see her cat and Rob and I wanting to spend the day together after the crazy, hellish weekend. However, I pushed it aside and spent the day relaxing.
Oh, how I miss relaxation... Now begins the part of my tale where my sanity starts slipping.
That Monday, Rob and I spent the entire day looking for jobs for me. I got a couple job interviews while we were out and it was encouraging. We came home, I went out of my way to make sure I was cuddling with him and being close to him because I felt bad about what had happened over the weekend. We camwhored together and rearranged our living room and watched baseball together and all kinds of stuff. We stayed up late into the night laying on the couches discussing sexual interests and fantasies. Towards the end of the night, we were both on our laptops and he IMed me about something and I didn't reply as enthusiastic as he'd liked and I explained to him that I'm really not a sweet or romantic person. I have never been all that good at that stuff. He wound up leaving the room. I was in confusion and shock, so I finished up and decided it was late. I went out to say good night and went down to kiss him and he ignored me. I went back into the bedroom and began crying, presumably what would've been crying myself to sleep. He came in after awhile and realized I was crying and we talked about it. At first, he accused me of being distant all day, but when I brought up all the things we had shared and all the things I had done to be closer to him, he realized that he was being foolish. I hadn't been distant. That he was distancing himself as a defense mechanism because I had almost left him. That hurt, but I told him I understood, and began my immense apology yet again.
The next day, in combination of landing two jobs, was much like a repeat of the day before. However, towards the end of the night, Rob declared that since I'd spent so much time in the car and my back was hurting, that he wanted to give me a back massage. I made some comment about how I didn't really want to be seduced tonight, and that back massages always seem to turn into that. He said it wasn't what he was going for. However, one thing led to another, and that's what wound up happening. Now, the massage oil that I own can also be used as an interesting lube, and I'd mentioned that to him when I first showed it to him the night before, so he decided to try it. I warned him ahead of time, there's a lot of stuff you can't do if you use this, because I can't handle it. (I have never been able to explain that. I just can't do it.) Things wound up happening and he wound up doing what I said I couldn't handle, and I asked him to slow down. And he didn't. So I asked him to stop. He didn't. I started begging, pleading for him to stop. I tried pulling myself out from underneath him, but he just wound up holding me down and keeping going. He finally stopped when I realized I'd collapsed beneath him and was sobbing. When he realized I was in tears, he pulled me up into his arms and realized what had happened. But by then I was an inconsolable mess. Things had gone on long too far with me pleading him to stop, and I was broken. My trust in him was broken. My belief in the strength of myself was broken.
We slept on the couch that night. And for the next week and a half, I wouldn't sleep in the bedroom. I didn't even like going into it. We didn't have sex or make love the rest of the time we were together. We didn't mess around in any way. I couldn't do it. We tried one night, and it hurt me emotionally too much, so we stopped.
The next night, he and I were both very depressed from what had happened. It was eating at both of us. I got a text message from Samantha where she was telling me that Rob had said that she had to ask me what was bothering us. It felt weird that he would do this, but I felt like I had to do it because he'd sent her to me, so I told her what happened. Her heart went out to me and she told me she wanted to hang out the next day after I got off work so I could get out of the apartment and get my mind off of things. She made me feel a little better.
The next day at work, I got a dozen fresh cut roses. They were beautiful and smelled good and were absolutely amazing. I called Rob as soon as I got off work in complete shock. Of course, this was comparable to my shock and disappointment to find out that he was out to lunch with Samantha. Meaning that not only were my plans cancelled, but now I was off to an empty apartment that I didn't feel right in. Nevertheless, I moped around the apartment for awhile and the night before repeated itself, sans a short trip to the mall. This time, Samantha and I made plans for the weekend to go clubbing so that we would be more concretely hanging out and it could not be broken.
The next night, I hung out with my friend Brian. Now, a bit of backstory, I've known Brian since senior year of high school. We met, we had a bit of a scuffle, we made up, we hooked up, I wound up getting a boyfriend back home, we were awkward around one another for awhile, and then we worked on an overly flirtatious friendship after that. I never stopped thinking he was attractive, but it was easy to give up on him. So now he and I are friends that if circumstances were right, we might consider hooking up again. However, a lot of people don't like Brian. They think he's a cocky asshole (and sometimes he can be, but sometimes he's got low self-esteem and is really cute about it). They think he's emo (he's not; he just looks the part.) So people don't like him. Rob is included in this list.
So I hung out with Brian and he hit on me the entire time and it was comical because Brian and I have a flirtatious friendship. That's just how we are. I also continually asked him to come over to my apartment the next night for a Monopoly party that Rob and I were throwing. He refused to come, however, because he knew Rob didn't like him. Upon discovering this was why my friend would not come, Rob stole Brian's number out of my phone and sent him a text message that basically said "I don't you well enough to hate you; I just hate everything you stand for and the fact that you hit on my girlfriend all the time."
Needless to say, the Monopoly Party the next night lacked a Brian. More noticably, it lacked a Brandon, who had disappeared without calling. It also included a Samantha, who Rob had decided to invite despite the fact that he was constantly telling me how much he didn't like her and couldn't stand her. I was in complete confusion and shock that she not only was invited, but wound up coming. (And, by the way, winning.) The night was, for the most part, pretty good, other than things coming to a downer when Rob brought back up when we took Pat to the train station what had happened Tuesday night. I'd been blocking it out, and when he and I returned to finish Monopoly, we were both very much Debbie Downers the rest of the night.
The next day, after I got off work, Samantha met me back at the apartment, where the two of us got ready to go to the club. Now, since Rob had found out about us going clubbing, he began pitching a fit that other guys were going to be all up on me. I insisted that I would be loyal to him, though, but that it was a girls' night out. That I needed to go just me and Sam. So he made plans to go over to Erik's house (and tried to guilt me that I wouldn't go with him, until he realized that the thought of being around alcohol made me ill...however, he had no problems with storming out without even saying good bye nevertheless) and Sam and I went clubbing. It was overall a good night and she was really helpful towards me, saving my ass from creepy guys and guys that might have tried to rape me if I'd let them any closer. We spent about five minutes in the bathroom hiding from some European guy at one point. While in the bathroom, I began texting Rob and updating him on the situation but refused to let him come and "save" me. I told him that I was fine and that he'd been drinking anyway. Sam and I's clubbing experience got cut short when we were taking a break and I spilled water all over myself, so we decided it was time to go home. I got into the car with a bunch of text messages of Rob bitching me out about hanging out with his "cunt of an ex," Samantha and for going to the club letting other guys be all up on me and bitching me out that his best friend was missing. I called him and told him that he had no right to tell me who I could be friends with, that I was fully within my rights to dance with other guys - I wasn't cheating on him, and Brandon was also my best friend, so he wasn't the only one missing a best friend. He continued to be a beligerent dick about it. Fueled by Samantha's anger that he'd been fake to her all this time, we corroborated about our anger as we drove home and when I got to the apartment, I was so livid I wound up packing all my shit up while they argued and loading it into my car. I then laid down to prepare to spend the night in my car. The two of them continued fighting and he began threatening suicide and she tried to calm him down - all of this unbeknownst to me at the time. Eventually she left and he came and knocked on my window and asked if we could talk. I let him in and we talked a bit and then finally I was awake and cold and had to go upstairs. We went inside and continued to talk and wound up sleeping together on the couch. That night was probably the best night's sleep he and I ever shared, and every time I woke up, we were clung tightly together.
After this night, however, I was faced with a problem. I had told Samantha I was interested in getting an apartment with her. And I still also wanted to live with Rob. I didn't know what to do. So things started getting complicated with the two of them pulling me in opposite directions of "decide now," and both of them feeding me things about the other person that were basically telling me, "Obviously this one doesn't care about you as a person and just financially needs you there." Sam did this more than Rob, don't get me wrong, but they both had a tendency to do it. Eventually I formulated the idea of seeing about transferring to a two-bedroom in the complex we were in and all three of us living together. After discussing it, we thought it wasn't a bad idea and looked into it.
Meanwhile (as this all overlaps with the last paragraph), Samantha was going through hell at home and started to want to spend the night at our apartment to escape it. The first time she came over to spend the night, she got in first, right after she got off work. We hung out, it was cool. Then Rob got home and came over and sat next to me and put his arm around me and we all sat there...and then Sam started being mopey and laying on the couch pouting and when pressed about what was wrong, she would just tell Rob, "You know what's wrong" or "I told you I'd be like this." I decided that maybe it would be better for her feelings if he and I weren't as affectionate around her. I had no idea. I backed off and then we all went for a drive...her and I looking to get our Chinese food and then eventually all of us just going to the grocery store to get dinner. When we first stopped to look at stuff in the store (cheese, courtesy of me), I turned to the side and saw Sam leaning back against Rob and him with one arm around her. I was bugged by this but tried to not let it get to me. However, the entire time we were in the freezer section picking out food, if he wasn't holding my hand (which I tried to not do for Sam's sake), they were in that same position. When we got back to the apartment and realized we were locked out, we were waiting for the guy to come open the door for us and he sat against the wall and she sat next to him and kind of draped herself over him while they passed the phone back and forth talking about pictures and good memories they'd shared. I texted Kyle about how this was upsetting me, and he called me to keep me company. That night began a roller coaster ride of talking to Kyle and him telling me he missed me, everybody being distant from everybody, and eventually us watching What Dreams May Come, a movie that Kyle and I had shared while we were together. He texted me and told me not to watch that movie - that I would die of sadness. However, it was the only movie Rob and Sam could agree on. She sat him between us, and I decided to refuse to hide our affection during the movie. So she wound up on the floor crying, and I wound up forcing myself to sleep so I couldn't watch the movie that made me think of the boy I'd once called my own soul mate. The night ended on a poor note.
The next day, Sam and I went clothes shopping. We both needed pants for work. While I was looking at the black dress pants, I decided to find myself a little red dress. (Every girl needs two things - a little black dress and a little red dress.) Rob and I had been supposed to go on a date that night, and we'd been talking about dressing up all week, so I wanted to surprise him with a new dress. So I got myself a little red dress. We all went to lunch together, etc. etc. Sam went to work, and I hopped into the shower to prepare for my date. When I got out of the shower, Rob was still sitting on the couch in his jeans, were I'd left him. I was confused, so I asked him if we were still dressing up. He had changed his mind. I was completely disheartened. This new dress I had bought to surprise him, completely unnecessary. This chance to dress up that I'd been waiting for, gone. Disappointed, I got dressed, we got into the van and got lost on our way to the restaurant. In our being lost, Kyle was texting me. And I was expressing to him how disappointed I was that I hadn't gotten to dress up. This led to him talking with me about all the times he and I had gotten dressed up to go out to eat and how he'd never dream of taking me out after talking about getting dressed up and not having me dress up. How he loved when I'd surprise him with new dresses. It got me missing him again. On top of that, my mood was tainted by not being able to get ahold of my mother and not knowing why. When we got home that night, I was a disappointed little mess, and wound up locking myself in the bedroom to cry for a little bit. When I exited the bedroom, I came back to my computer organization slightly disheveled and I quickly learned Rob had gone through my conversations after learning the door was locked. He argued about whether or not this was within his right (without any reason to believe so, he had decided that I was cutting myself, and went to see if I'd told anyone that's what I was going to go do), and I wound up bitching about it to Sam. She came over to cheer me up, and I coloured her hair and she left.
It was the next day that Rob's suggestion came true and I got depressed again that I actually began cutting myself. (Not that anyone knew.)
A couple nights later, Sam was supposed to spend the night again. She, Rob, and I went to IHOP to spend time with Brandon+crew. Kyle called me while walking home drunk (after I'd specifically told him to not call me after drinking) because he wanted to talk, and we argued the entire way about how I wouldn't move back down to Muncie to be with him. I wound up having to hang up on him when we got to IHOP because he kept fighting when I told him I was getting off the phone. (I then got a bunch of "I can't believe you're ignoring me" text messages.) This led to the two of them (Rob and Sam) being completely silent and awkward most of the time we were at IHOP. Then after the majority of the people left, we sat around and played Gin Rummy for awhile and Sam became very abrasive towards Rob and Brandon, and Rob settled in and was himself again. The night got cut and we drove back to the apartment (after a stop for donuts) with a slight argument with Rob about the necessity for believing in something, and then into the apartment for sleep.
The next day, Sam came over to spend the night and Brandon came over to spend the night. We spent the beginning of the night, Brandon and Rob playing ROMs on Rob's laptop while I helped Sam camwhore for her MySpace and facebook. As well as some other pictures to send to some of her male friends. After we were done and were working on uploading the pictures to the computer, she took my phone and sent Kyle a text message telling him to get online. We cloned AIM on my laptop and I talked to people (including Kyle, while not telling him Sam was over...but texting him and letting him know) while she went off on Kyle for telling me that he loved me. Basically it was a giant shitfit about the fact that he wouldn't commit to her when a.) he refused long distance relationships and b.) he had never met her. Also, he included that c.) if his ex-fiance is saying that she doesn't feel right where she is, of course he's going to tell her he loves her and to come back home. I sat and watched this (while she sent her pictures to other guys she was talking to...which I found pretty hypocritical) and then when she couldn't convince him to let her call him, he called me. I went into the bedroom and we continued our theme of "we miss each other but there's nothing we can do because Ann won't go back to Muncie and Kyle is stuck in ROTC, plus Ann has a boyfriend that she cares very deeply about." I wound up getting off the phone in tears, and Kyle telling me to go have Brandon take care of me. So Brandon held me while I cried and we talked. Meanwhile, Sam and Rob went off to go to talk (and according to him, she told him how much she loves him and how she wants him back...which was also hypocritical since she used "I don't tell Rob I love him, I got over Rob so why can't you get over Kelly" as leverage against Kyle.) Then when they emerged from the bedroom, Rob wanted to talk to me. During our convo, we heard in the bathroom next to us, the chorus of Sam making herself throw up for about twenty minutes. We discussed how things had been going between us and I revealed to him that I'd been cutting, and he pulled me up into his arms and held me and said he was sorry he hadn't seen how much I was hurting. At this point in time, Sam came in the room and stared at us. I asked how she was feeling, she closed the door and went back to the bathroom. He and I continued to talk for another couple minutes and decided to go get ice cream and make ourselves feel better when Sam called from the bathroom for Rob. So he checked on her and I went and cuddled more with Brandon before Rob and I went to the gas station and bought ice cream. We came back, and I continued cuddling with Brandon and we all watched Saw II together, and then Rob and I went to our usual spot to sleep together at the time, on the floor.
After that night, Rob and Sam decided it was best if she didn't spend the night anymore.
The next day I got a fucking traffic ticket for not having up-to-date insurance card. (I got pulled over because I was drive-texting and I guess I was drifting over the lines so the cop thought I was drunk.) My insurance card, to the best of my knowledge at the time, was at Kyle's. So. Since I was supposed to go to my parents' the next day for my step-dad's birthday anyway, we agreed that he'd try to find it and I'd come and get it that night.
When I left my parents' house the next day to drive down to Muncie, I took my dog with me. I was pissed off at everyone because I'd gotten text messages from people all lecturing me to not let anything happen with Kyle. No one trusted me, and it upset me. I took Glory with me because she made me feel safe. She helped, she got in the middle of me and Kyle when we'd try to be close. On the drive down, we'd texted talking about long distance relationships (I forget how it came up, I think we mentioned how he wouldn't do it with Sam and I said he was the only person I thought I could make it work with), and he said he wouldn't do it. However, once I got there, he changed his mind and said he did want to do it...but I told him I couldn't start a long distance relationship with him when we weren't in the long distance. It was too easy. Besides, I still had a boyfriend and didn't know if I wanted to leave him. I cried a lot while I was there, but because I had Glory, I had the strength (more importantly, I had the reason) to leave. And so I started back to my parents' house.
I discussed all this with Rob, what Kyle and I had talked about. And we discussed whether or not we wanted to try to keep us together or not. He was worried that the minute I heard from Kyle that he wanted a long distance relationship, that I would drop Rob for Kyle. I was honest, I said I didn't know. That we needed to talk about it. That I needed to think about it. He said that he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me in that case. Around this time, Kyle beeped in, I forget why. We were in mid-conversation when he tells me that he has just gotten an IM from Samantha, and reads to me the copy-pasted conversation she had with Rob where he told Sam what he and I were talking about. I let Kyle go and switched back over and told Rob that I couldn't trust him to know when and to whom to talk to about things, and that I didn't want to be with him anymore. (This wasn't the first time something like this had happened, but him talking about problems involving us to his ex-girlfriend who had two nights before told him she loved him and wanted him back was the final straw.) He fought me on it, but I told him I'd made my decision. I came back to my mom's and after staying up online for awhile, I went to bed to prepare to return home (as I still intended on living with Rob) the next day.
I drove back with periodic texts from Rob asking how much longer until I was there. When I finally arrived, he was laying on the couch, looking like a complete depressed mess. I sat there and rubbed his back and head in a comforting manner for awhile before he asked me to lay with him and hold him. So I did for about ten minutes, him clutching tightly to me. Then finally we start talking. And he reveals to me that the reason he's not in class is because he stayed up all night talking about me to Jaimz.
I got up and walked away. And I got on my laptop to Jaimz telling me that I used him and that I was no better than any other girl he'd ever dated. That I needed to treat him better as a person and a friend (now keep in mind that I was hardly even talking to him by now, and when I was, I was mostly just acting like he was comforting me through all this hell because he felt better when he thought he was helping people...so I wasn't quite sure where this came from other than, obviously, his conversation with Rob.) I'm already torn up by the situation with Rob, and I just flat out tell Jaimz...I can't deal with this right now. And I walked away and found myself cutting myself. I showered, cut some more, felt a little better, got on the computer, and came back to Jaimz having blocked me and a small speech going off on me more. By now, Rob is back in angry-at-Kelly mode and isn't talking to me as well. I'm completely without words. I begin to feel guilty and depressed. I pick up my phone and text Kyle and tell him that I can't be with him. I'm not dating anyone. I'm done with dating. All I do is hurt people. I find myself beginning to break down, unable to control my emotions and begin crying, constantly, mostly for reasons I can't even put my finger on. Eventually Rob comes over to comfort me...I sit there and let him for a minute before I remember all the times he comforted Sam right after they broke up only because he didn't want her to hurt herself, not because he actually cared about her (or that's what he told me anyway) and got pissed off and told him that I wouldn't let him do that to me and stormed out of the apartment.
I drove to Walgreens. I bought a box of sleeping pills, a box of Swedish Fish, and a Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. I came back, put them all in my glove box, and went back upstairs. I floated through the rest of the day, feeling more and more guilty as time went on and as Kyle began texting me, upset that I had "made his decision for him." By the time I went to work, I felt like a complete piece of shit. I worked, nothing special. Got off work, argued with Kyle the entire way home about whether or not I was making the right choice. Eventually I hung up on him. And in between pressing the ignore button, I took 12 sleeping pills, one by one, throwing the wrappers into the glove box as I went. I also ate a bunch of Swedish Fish, as someone told me long ago that the reason I'd thrown up when I'd overdosed on cough medicine was because I had done it on an empty stomache. I walked upstairs, thinking to myself that this was finally actually it. That I wouldn't tell anyone, that I'd eaten, that I would finally actually be done. I thought about eating some more, but I really just wanted it to be over. So I went to bed early that night. Like, 9:30 early. Rob had noticed my cuts and was worried about me, so he wound up laying with me, holding me while I tried to sleep. But he says I kept waking up and was sleeping very restlessly. I was completely out of my body at this point in time, and my experience can be compared to what I've heard oxycoton is like. Some time in the night, I decided I should drink some water because I was starting to feel dehydrated, so Rob and I went to go get some water. I drank my water and was standing around...when I started to feel sick. I went to the bathroom, and threw up everything. Rob's head quickly clicked and he asked if I took anything. I told him yes. He asked where they were. I told him in the glove box. He went downstairs to my car while I was puking the rest up and got them and what he did with them, he wouldn't tell me, but after discussing whether or not I needed my stomache pumped, we laid back down and legitimately went to sleep.
I woke up the next morning. We talked about it. He made me promise I wouldn't try again. I worked. Fought my way through the day. Survived. Came home with a little bit of strength and told Jaimz I couldn't be friends with him and blocked him. The next day came and I got depressed and found myself cutting myself again. Rob couldn't get me to promise I wouldn't cut, but he made me promise I'd stop hiding it from him, so I admitted it to him when we were out driving. That night, when he couldn't get me to promise again, he took my knife and hid it.
The next day, I got into a mini-argument with Sam. I wouldn't hang out with her the next day if I'd gotten it off work, because I already had plans with Rob. This led to her feeding me some line about having to compete with me for Rob's attention. I was appalled. Shortly after, I got into an argument with Kyle and got really stressed out. I went looking for my knife, because I'd been eyeing this cardboard box for days and was greatly looking forward to taking my agressions out on it. However, when I approached Rob about where my knife was, he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. Eventually, I realized he had taken it, and I locked myself in the bedroom, told him to go fuck himself (after accidentally backhanding him when trying to push him off of me) and tried to go to sleep. Eventually, he gave me the knife back and took off from the apartment. I laid there for awhile before calling him and asking where he went. He told me he needed air. My anger festered, and when he came back we sat there. We argued. I told him that wasn't necessary - that if I'm going to cut myself, I'm not going to fucking do it when he knows I'm going to do it. (I don't do it for attention, like some people.) That I was angry, not depressed. He told me that I should've promised him. I got so pissed off that I stormed off into the bedroom and put my fist through the back of the 30 dollar bookshelf I'd bought right after I moved in. Three times. I then iced my knuckle. We continued to talk and agreed we'd keep working together to try to make things better. We spent the rest of the night cuddling and being close, and eventually it led to us making love.
I woke up the next morning feeling like shit for what had ended the night before. I was not okay with the fact that I had slept with ANYONE...I was not emotionally able to handle that kind of thing. And the fact that we'd made love was even worse than the fact than if we'd just had sex...at least then, I could say that it wasn't going to be a step back for my mental state (sex is just physical), but making love is something special. However, I processed things that had happened and went over to my computer and blocked Sam. I then forced myself to get over it (the making love thing), as that day was what would've been Rob and I's one-month anniversary, and we'd decided to still go on a date to celebrate it. After I got off work, we had to run some errands to prepare for the date - get his paycheck, get me some pantyhose and possibly (hadn't decided) a curling iron. While we talked while we drove, he revealed to me that he viewed this as our last date and after that, he was going to get over me and give up on us. I was completely shocked. I told him that if that was the case, then we might as well not bother with the date, since it's a waste of both of our times. I told him that if that was what he was doing, then I wasn't going. He changed his mind and said that he wanted to see if there was still something between us when I was ready to start dating again, and the rest of the night wound up awkward and mildly depressing, because either I was mildly pissed at him for bringing this up, or he was being sad panda because it was still in the back of his mind. It came to a head when I talked to Kyle on the phone on the train ride home and (like I'd been telling Rob all along, so it's not entirely fair for him to get pissed about this), telling him I loved him when we got off the phone. That night, we got in and changed, and I held him in bed while he cried himself to sleep.
The entire next day I was recieving texts from him while he was at work about how depressed he was from the night before and how he felt lost without me and all that. I couldn't deal with it, but I couldn't get him to stop. I was glad to go into work, where I couldn't have my cell phone. Brandon and I were supposed to hang out after work, so I called him when I got off and he started his way over, and while I was waiting on him, Rob came home. Rob acted kind of depressing and distant for a bit, and then we talked shortly online about something, I forget what...and then he saw that I was talking to Lana.
Now, I don't remember where in this story I began talking to Lana, his ex-fiance that he broke up with last April. It was sometime while he and I were together after the sex stopped. He got mad that I was talking to her on his s/n so I gave her mine. He acted all sad about it, so I blocked her for him. After I blocked Jaimz, since I'd asked him to not talk to him about me at all, he decided that to avoid drama, he'd block him too. However, he would occasionally unblock him to talk to him about (insert topic here). And so I finally said fuck it, we're not together, and I unblocked Lana. This was the first time that she and I had talked since I'd unblocked her.
He threw a fit that I wouldn't block Lana again and that I would talk to her and tried to use the fact that he blocked Jaimz as leverage against me (which was funny, because while he asked me to block Lana in the first place, I never once even commented on him talking to Jaimz other than "I don't want him to think he's a part of my life, so please don't talk to him about me at all." He chose to block Jaimz ENTIRELY of his own free will.) Eventually because I told him that it wasn't a big deal and it didn't concern him that I was friends with her, he stormed out of the apartment. I then got a text message, "It's a good thing that I didn't throw your sleeping pills out and put them in my car." I started going off, telling him that he was not killing himself and come back home, and stop this, he was being ridiculous and immature about this, he's not allowed to control my life, etc. etc. Around this time, Brandon called to tell me he was close. I asked him to find Rob. So instead of getting to see my best friend, he spent the entire night tracking Rob down. Eventually I got them both to come back (as they were out talking) when some creepy guy started talking to me and I wanted them to save me. Rob came in and just instantly shut himself in the bedroom. Brandon knocked and asked him a question and Rob told him he was going to bed. Brandon and I talked a little bit and then I prepared to get ready for bed, went in to get my phone charger (I assumed that after the day and night we'd had, I probably wasn't welcome in the bed, much less did I think it was a good idea) and Rob was laying, still completely clothed, jacknife up against one side of the bed. I went out and while talking to Brandon, wound up texting with Rob about how he wanted me to just hold him and tell him things would be okay. I told him that I didn't know they would be, and it really hurt to hold him right now - that things were too fucked up. We argued about it for awhile and Brandon told me that I was right in what I was doing, and to hold my ground. Rob even said he was going to leave for the night and I told him that he didn't need to, I would...and then we argued about which one of us was leaving. Eventually the two of us went in to talk to him, but he told Brandon he didn't want to talk to him and he continued to lay there and text me angrily. When I got a text message where he cussed at me and called me selfish for not holding him, I said fuck that and went downstairs to go sleep in my car. I curled up in a blanket and ignored all the text messages I was getting and fell asleep fast. I was slumbering warm and peaceful when there was a knock on my window. It was Rob, telling me we only had one blanket and that Brandon had it. He was cold; could I come upstairs with the blanket. While this was no benefit to me and I'd slept quite well and was quite warm where I was, I decided that I'd go ahead and go up. I went upstairs and laid down on the loveseat and put the blanket on the floor and worked on falling back asleep. However, Rob spent the next ten to twenty minutes or so making me feel completely out of my skin by cuddling up on me. I kept throwing the blanket on the floor, and he continually picked it up and put it back on me. He even admitted, he didn't really need the blanket, he just wanted me to come inside. After awhile where I wasn't cuddling back, he finally laid on the floor and went to sleep.
I was woken up awhile later asking if I wanted to move to the bed. Half asleep, I assumed that he was leaving for work so I moved. The next time I woke up, I realized that he'd been in his boxers and wife beater and had just gotten off of work, and was now curled up against my back. I got up for work and left a frustrated livejournal entry (the first one I wrote even slightly publicly talking about anything relating to him and I), and then, well, went to work. I texted him right before I went in and apologized for not telling him I was leaving, that I was near tears everytime I looked in his door. I had a shitty day at work where I got kicked off board on top of all of this, and when I got home from work, the first thing I did was lock myself in the bedroom for awhile and cry on the floor. I thought I had it all out of my system, but wound up also spending some time crying on my laptop, and then eventually crying in the corner in the kitchen, shoveling ice cream into my mouth. Rob came over and tried to get me to talk to him, but all I could do was shake my head. He eventually had to leave to go and take the cat over to Katie's (she's taking care of Sam's cat until she gets him declawed, because he's a little shit that was tearing up the apartment) and I wound up laying on the couch hurting while watching a movie and some TV with Brandon. Rob came back, we went to bed.
The next day, I had a day off, so I went to go spend time with Brian. He was worried about me, so he wanted to try to cheer me up. When I got back from hanging out with him, I was really hungry, so Rob and I decided to go to dinner. (He wasn't hungry, but he knew I wanted to go to a sit down place and wanted company.) We were talking about Thanksgiving break plans on the way to dinner, when he reveals to me that he has talked a mutual friend out of going off on me for my livejournal entry relating to the night before. I start to argue that I'm completely entitled to my own opinion of his character based on what's happened, and he begins arguing with me about how I'm wrong about him and I need to see that. I get pissed off and say fuck it, I'm not hungry anymore. I turn around, get gas, go back to the apartment. I sat there and let him lecture me on why my opinion of him was wrong for a couple minutes before I got fed up, shut down my laptop and went to go lay down in hopes to fall asleep. However, I got nowhere in my attempt and decided that things were really continuing downhill in the apartment, that I just needed a few days off. (Brandon had tried telling me this days earlier, but of course I am stubborn.) I had the next night off as well, so I called my mom and decided to go stay with her while I got my head together. However, as I drove down the toll road, I decided to actually participate in text message conversations, and Rob convinced me to pull over and meet him somewhere so we could talk and maybe I would turn around. We talked and I didn't really want to turn around - I wanted a little bit of time to myself, to be honest. But by the time we were done, it was middle of the night and I was exhausted...and the hour drive back to Roselle was more inviting than the three hours to Fort Wayne. So I drove back and tried to go right to sleep but got moved to the bedroom where I fell asleep very slowly.
I woke up in a complete funk. I'd had a lot of things revealed to me about peoples' opinions of me the night before (based off not knowing my side of the story, which is why I'm writing this now), and I felt like complete shit. I sat and had a long text message conversation with Kyle about how I wasn't worth anything and I was just a drama queen and an ingrateful piece of shit, and I didn't do anything right and just caused everyone problems. I talked about how I was too depressed to even hurt myself - it required the effort to get up and walk to my knife. He told me to eat, that he didn't want me to starve myself due to depression. I got irate at this topic and threw my phone across the room. I spent around two hours just laying in bed before I finally willed myself out. I asked Rob if I could borrow his laptop so I didn't have to go down and get mine. I talked to people, worked on cheering up...asked Pat to hang out. Right before he left for work, Rob came over and asked if I could get my laptop instead of using his. I was confused but said I could, I just didn't particularly want to put pants on yet to go down and get it. He then started in on how he didn't want me going through his laptop and find things he didn't want me to find. I was offended. VERY offended. And when he left, I was so pissed off that I basically said "fuck him, I wasn't even considering this before but now I'm just going to go do it because I think he's a douche bag." First thing I found was the conversation between him and Jaimz the night I broke up with him, which was offensive, but I wasn't holding it too much against him. (In fact, I was more offended by Jaimz. He built my hunter?! WHAT THE FUCK! No! I built my own fucking hunter! He did TWO of my hunter demons, made my NR gear, ran ZG once, and lent me some gold, much of which I've paid back...he didn't run me through all the starting instances or play with me all the way up to 60...he's not the one who got me into Unleashed by any means...he didn't RUN Unleashed like he fucking claims on his high horse...he didn't level fucking a sum total of 5 pets to level fucking 60, and another from 15 to 29 while AT level 60...I taught myself how to kite, I was on that game fucking every night from March to August getting my own gear, seriously FUCK HIM.) However, then I found some screen shots of my journal and a comment left in my journal that showed a few lies he had told me. I was ticked off, and told him off. He started to defend his lies (because, y'know, he's more than entitled to lie to me!) and I got ticked off and decided I was leaving. I overreacted a bit, wound up wiping his AIM buddy list and fucking up his MySpace and deleting some stuff off his hard drive, but then I walked away before I started actually doing shit that I knew was COMPLETELY out of line (those were unjustified, but the stuff I was considering was just downright wrong) and began to pack. I packed up my car and sat in the train station waiting on Pat. Patrick sat through a hellish dinner while I fought back tears fighting with Rob and talking to Kyle about what I should do, meanwhile finding out I couldn't transfer my jobs and having a coworker offer me his couch. Afterwards, while Pat and I were driving around, I decided to just drop him off at his apartment and I came back to my mom's.
I got out of Chicago (cell phone laws) and called Brandon. I finally got to tell him what's been going on in my end of things and we discussed a lot of what had happened, and he made me realize that the majority of Rob and I's problems lately had been stemming to the two of us letting other people get in our business instead of keeping it our business. I discussed how I really missed what we used to share, and I couldn't even really think of him as the same person. We talked about some of the things Rob's done that I don't agree with. And then I came into my mom's where I deleted some retarded cunt taking sides in a place where the reason there's drama is because she stuck her nose in where it didn't belong in the first place, and then I started typing out this.
*Wanker voice*
This is my story.