Fic : Sodding Celibate As It Is - QAF Priest!AU (1/2)
This is one of the one's I've been working on for a while. Basically, Vince, going through a dry patch when he's 20, decides to look into being a priest for a laugh. By the time we're at the end, it's the present day, mostly because I couldn't deny Vince Ecclestone Dr. Who.
Title : Sodding Celibate As It Is (1/2)
Author : Gunbunny
E-Mail : kabukivice@beeb.net
Fandom : QAF UK
Pairing : Vince/Stuart
Rating : sex! unexpurgated sex! smoking! Rampant Dr Who fanboyism! (Well, this *is* Vince we're talking...)
Summary : Priest!AU. Vince, going through a dry patch when he's 20 decides to try the clergy. Everything else is show canon. (btw, by the end we're in the present day - I couldn't deny Vince the new Dr Who)
Disclaimer : Not mine. Go grovel before the great Russell.
Feedback : I accept burnt offerings and alcohol.
Archive : http://kabukivice.com/fic , anywhere else feel free.
Whole thing is here.
"Well, I can't seem to get a boyfriend or a shag recently, I'm sodding celibate as it is, may as well become a priest!" Vince declares, knocking back his drink.
Phil shakes his head. "Steady on there. Bit drastic, isn't it?"
"Well, it'd give me an excuse for not getting a shag..."
Three weeks later. Hazel gets woken up by the sound of someone clattering about in the kitchen.
She wraps a dressing gown round herself, belting it as she comes down the stairs to see Vince finishing off a cuppa. "Vince, what're you doing up at this hour?"
"Got to be somewhere, Mum!" Vince says, rushing out the door, the very picture of someone running late.
"At this hour?" Hazel yells after him. "On a *Sunday*?"
He's back a couple of hours later, looking a bit thoughtful. Hazel's had a cuppa by then. "Where'd you go, then?"
"Nowhere special." Vince replies, reaching for the bread bin. "Church."
"Church?" Hazel says incredulously, then grabs his wrist to pull him into reach to check his forehead for a temperature. "You don't look like you're coming down with something. Dare, was it?"
"Sort of." Vince says, still looking thoughtful.
A couple of months down the line, Hazel's worrying. "Stuart, you don't know anything about this, do you?"
"About what, Hazel?" Stuart says, watching the scenery.
Hazel chews on her finger. "The new obsession. My son's been going to church. It's bloody disturbing is what. And Catholic at that. I only got 'im christened to please me Gran."
"Lucky for you, I got dragged along regular as a kid."
"You don't know what started it, do you? Please don't tell me he's become born again."
"Think you have to be one of those Happy Clappy fuckheads for that. Nah, no idea. You know what Vince is like when he gets an idea into his head, though."
"That's what I'm afraid of." She says, nervously lighting another fag.
---
"Mum, I've got a bit of news." Vince says, taking a breath. "You might want to sit down."
Hazel narrows her eyes. "What's that for? You've been taking those becoming straight brainwashing classes, haven't you? I knew this churchgoing was bloody suspicious. Listen, my son, you were born fancying blokes, there's nothing wrong with that." She pauses. "Either that or you've won the lottery."
Vince laughs. "Me? Straight? Pull the other one, Hazel. And don't I just wish I'd won the lottery."
"You've finally shagged Stuart bloody Alan Jones. Only taken you half a decade."
"Never happen in a month of Sundays. Nope, I've decided to become a priest. Training starts Tuesday."
"A priest." Hazel takes a drag on the fag in her hand. "A Catholic one, would that be?"
"Er, yes."
"I'm hallucinating. I'm on acid right now, I must be."
"No, mum, you're not. I've decided to become a priest."
"Dare I ask why before I call for the men in white coats?"
"Dunno. Just... felt the calling. Got really interested."
"Vince, my lad, no sane bloke feels the calling to become celibate, especially not one that says being gay is wrong. This isn't anything to do with Stuart not shagging you, is it?"
"No, Mum, I accepted that years ago. I just ... want to be a priest."
"Well, coherency's the first casualty. And you've not done any bad E or coke."
"Bad coke's just scary, and E doesn't give you any urges to join the church. Honest. Ask Stuart, he gets sold bad stuff all the time."
"Yes, well, Stuart was at least raised Catholic. You weren't. You couldn't've picked Anglican? They at least get a sex life."
---
"You didn't put him up to this, did you?" Hazel asks.
"Me?" Stuart says incredulously. "Hazel, I think he's mad. Too much Tom Baker, rots the brain."
"Tom Baker? What're you on about?"
"Doctor Who. Used to be a monk. Don't know if he was Catholic, though."
"I give you full permission to strong arm him out of it."
"Just telling you, he's determined."
"That's what I'm afraid of."
----
Vince's last night out. Tomorrow morning he starts, so it's one last fling as not-celibate. Stuart, Phil, Alexander and Hazel are giving him a send-off. Hazel knocks back the last of her drink at eleven and stands up. "Right, lad, I've only one recourse of action left."
"What?" Vince asks. "You're seriously not going to throw me to the mob, are you?" Hazel grabs the front of his shirt and start towing. "Oh my god, you are. Stuart, help me with this madwoman!" Stuart just smirks and raises his glass in tribute to Hazel's actions. He can
Title : Sodding Celibate As It Is (1/2)
Author : Gunbunny
E-Mail : kabukivice@beeb.net
Fandom : QAF UK
Pairing : Vince/Stuart
Rating : sex! unexpurgated sex! smoking! Rampant Dr Who fanboyism! (Well, this *is* Vince we're talking...)
Summary : Priest!AU. Vince, going through a dry patch when he's 20 decides to try the clergy. Everything else is show canon. (btw, by the end we're in the present day - I couldn't deny Vince the new Dr Who)
Disclaimer : Not mine. Go grovel before the great Russell.
Feedback : I accept burnt offerings and alcohol.
Archive : http://kabukivice.com/fic , anywhere else feel free.
Whole thing is here.
"Well, I can't seem to get a boyfriend or a shag recently, I'm sodding celibate as it is, may as well become a priest!" Vince declares, knocking back his drink.
Phil shakes his head. "Steady on there. Bit drastic, isn't it?"
"Well, it'd give me an excuse for not getting a shag..."
Three weeks later. Hazel gets woken up by the sound of someone clattering about in the kitchen.
She wraps a dressing gown round herself, belting it as she comes down the stairs to see Vince finishing off a cuppa. "Vince, what're you doing up at this hour?"
"Got to be somewhere, Mum!" Vince says, rushing out the door, the very picture of someone running late.
"At this hour?" Hazel yells after him. "On a *Sunday*?"
He's back a couple of hours later, looking a bit thoughtful. Hazel's had a cuppa by then. "Where'd you go, then?"
"Nowhere special." Vince replies, reaching for the bread bin. "Church."
"Church?" Hazel says incredulously, then grabs his wrist to pull him into reach to check his forehead for a temperature. "You don't look like you're coming down with something. Dare, was it?"
"Sort of." Vince says, still looking thoughtful.
A couple of months down the line, Hazel's worrying. "Stuart, you don't know anything about this, do you?"
"About what, Hazel?" Stuart says, watching the scenery.
Hazel chews on her finger. "The new obsession. My son's been going to church. It's bloody disturbing is what. And Catholic at that. I only got 'im christened to please me Gran."
"Lucky for you, I got dragged along regular as a kid."
"You don't know what started it, do you? Please don't tell me he's become born again."
"Think you have to be one of those Happy Clappy fuckheads for that. Nah, no idea. You know what Vince is like when he gets an idea into his head, though."
"That's what I'm afraid of." She says, nervously lighting another fag.
---
"Mum, I've got a bit of news." Vince says, taking a breath. "You might want to sit down."
Hazel narrows her eyes. "What's that for? You've been taking those becoming straight brainwashing classes, haven't you? I knew this churchgoing was bloody suspicious. Listen, my son, you were born fancying blokes, there's nothing wrong with that." She pauses. "Either that or you've won the lottery."
Vince laughs. "Me? Straight? Pull the other one, Hazel. And don't I just wish I'd won the lottery."
"You've finally shagged Stuart bloody Alan Jones. Only taken you half a decade."
"Never happen in a month of Sundays. Nope, I've decided to become a priest. Training starts Tuesday."
"A priest." Hazel takes a drag on the fag in her hand. "A Catholic one, would that be?"
"Er, yes."
"I'm hallucinating. I'm on acid right now, I must be."
"No, mum, you're not. I've decided to become a priest."
"Dare I ask why before I call for the men in white coats?"
"Dunno. Just... felt the calling. Got really interested."
"Vince, my lad, no sane bloke feels the calling to become celibate, especially not one that says being gay is wrong. This isn't anything to do with Stuart not shagging you, is it?"
"No, Mum, I accepted that years ago. I just ... want to be a priest."
"Well, coherency's the first casualty. And you've not done any bad E or coke."
"Bad coke's just scary, and E doesn't give you any urges to join the church. Honest. Ask Stuart, he gets sold bad stuff all the time."
"Yes, well, Stuart was at least raised Catholic. You weren't. You couldn't've picked Anglican? They at least get a sex life."
---
"You didn't put him up to this, did you?" Hazel asks.
"Me?" Stuart says incredulously. "Hazel, I think he's mad. Too much Tom Baker, rots the brain."
"Tom Baker? What're you on about?"
"Doctor Who. Used to be a monk. Don't know if he was Catholic, though."
"I give you full permission to strong arm him out of it."
"Just telling you, he's determined."
"That's what I'm afraid of."
----
Vince's last night out. Tomorrow morning he starts, so it's one last fling as not-celibate. Stuart, Phil, Alexander and Hazel are giving him a send-off. Hazel knocks back the last of her drink at eleven and stands up. "Right, lad, I've only one recourse of action left."
"What?" Vince asks. "You're seriously not going to throw me to the mob, are you?" Hazel grabs the front of his shirt and start towing. "Oh my god, you are. Stuart, help me with this madwoman!" Stuart just smirks and raises his glass in tribute to Hazel's actions. He can