(no subject)
I've never felt that much pain build up and burst. I've never felt it burn me so badly. I hurt so much I wanted to be sick.
For a minute there I thought I could ignore it, but I couldn't.
Its funny how I knew these things were happening. I'd been told by the person that tends to want to tell me everything...but how was I supposed to really conrehend those things?
It must have been an unpleasant surprise for him to have me walk in...It didnt really register in my head that he was still in bed at about 12 o'clock in the afternoon. I wish I'd known what was going to happen as I walked there. I can still see the gravel travelling underneath me..for some reason i took special notice of that. I would have turned around and just gone for a walk if I'd known...or suspected anything.
Fuck I'm so angry. So angry for being used all these years. So angry at those two people. Especially angry at her. Fucking invading whore...
I'm so angry for lettingmy myself be treated like a counsellor when I knew I couldn't handle it. I'm so angry for having to sit for so many hours in that car and listen to so many tears and stories of failure and sadness and blame.
I'm so angry for thinking all of my innocence had gone. It hadnt..but now it has. Now I will never trust anyone fully again....it doesnt feel like it anyway.
I feel like sex only brings deceit and sadness. She thinks I dont understand what she says but I do. She continually drops clues like she wants me to know...I didnt want to know. I never wated to know . I just wanted to hang around my friends and be happy. I dont want to be like her when I'm older. I dont want to be like him when I'm older.
Now I'm crying and I'm angry. This is so hard to explain.
For a minute there I thought I could ignore it, but I couldn't.
Its funny how I knew these things were happening. I'd been told by the person that tends to want to tell me everything...but how was I supposed to really conrehend those things?
It must have been an unpleasant surprise for him to have me walk in...It didnt really register in my head that he was still in bed at about 12 o'clock in the afternoon. I wish I'd known what was going to happen as I walked there. I can still see the gravel travelling underneath me..for some reason i took special notice of that. I would have turned around and just gone for a walk if I'd known...or suspected anything.
Fuck I'm so angry. So angry for being used all these years. So angry at those two people. Especially angry at her. Fucking invading whore...
I'm so angry for lettingmy myself be treated like a counsellor when I knew I couldn't handle it. I'm so angry for having to sit for so many hours in that car and listen to so many tears and stories of failure and sadness and blame.
I'm so angry for thinking all of my innocence had gone. It hadnt..but now it has. Now I will never trust anyone fully again....it doesnt feel like it anyway.
I feel like sex only brings deceit and sadness. She thinks I dont understand what she says but I do. She continually drops clues like she wants me to know...I didnt want to know. I never wated to know . I just wanted to hang around my friends and be happy. I dont want to be like her when I'm older. I dont want to be like him when I'm older.
Now I'm crying and I'm angry. This is so hard to explain.