The truth is hard to believe.... but it's smacking me harder than ever
Have you ever loved somebody so much that just the love you felt for them made all the bad things seem like nothing? Ever care so much you'd give up all your convictions and go against them for this person? I have. But I should have realised it wasn't worth it in the beginning. Love isn't at all what I thought it was. Love is a joke, a lie we tell ourselves when the nights get too cold and the days are too lonely, “If I had love, I’d be happy and I’d be warm and I’d be safe.” BULLSHIT. I wanted to believe that faith and love and trust were enough, but I took the leap I couldn't take. But I did, and I did it over and over again. She was so supposed to take me in my arms and tell me everything was as I thought, but not lie. Not give me a false hope that love wasn't just a life sucking piece of shit. I gave her all of me, every piece of me I tried to hide she had. She knows everything, and she doesn't care. Love is pointless and stupid, it's a leap off of a building you take, thinking you can fly. But the only way to go is down, and I went down, and I'm still falling. I thought love was what could save me from the horors I've seen and the pain I felt, but then my heart splattered on the ground, splattered into nothing. They say that I should pick myself up and try again..... but how can I do that when every second I remember the way I felt in her arms. Love only kept me safe and war, as a fucking trick. So here I am, cold, and alone. I'm wondering what's gonna happen, what I'm gonna do without my everything.
It's my fault, I should have seen the signs. Her telling me not to rely on her, telling me she was staying with me for now. The signs smacked me in the face, but love had me blind to it's oncoming torture. So now I suffer under the blades of her lies and words, seeing every contradiction I should have taken into consideration. I had blind faith, and I walked off a cliff thinking she was there to catch me. Her arms never were there when I came to the ground. The ground came at me faster, and she stepped back, eyes closed and hands folded across her chest. When I hit.... she didn't care. Maybe she does, but I don't believe she can if she could lead me on like this. I don't know wether to blow the world off, or cry and never stop, I want to beat something, and make it feel what I'm feeling. I want to rip my own heart apart so that it never misleads me again. I am foolish, a hopeless romantic who was just trying to feel alive for once in my life. But death is my home, my comfort, and my way of life. I'm dead now, inside there's no hope. I have lost hope in the things I thought I could believe in. I took a chance when everything seemed black, and horrid and I was fed up with love. She gave me a fighting chance to rip it away, and leave me with even less strength than when we started. I'm not strong anymore, I don't think I ever was. I always relied on a knife to keep me sain, and now I'm not sure that will even work.
I'm so fucked up in the head from this, I don't know what I believe. I don't know if love is what I thought. I used to think love was something that could prevail through all the darkness and hold me up from the pain I seemed to be drowning in. I thought that love was all I needed to be alive. It made me feel alive! I felt like I had something real for once! Finally, after all these years of hating love, and falling and never getting back up, I was standing, and smiling, and appreciating life. I gave it my all.... I gave this all I had, and then some. I gave trust, I gave love, I gave hope. I gave everythign I could, and now it's been thrown back in my face with a hearty laugh and snicker to cut away my pride. I have nothing left but the thoughts of what I had, and what I have lost. I lost her. And she..... she meant so much, and gave me everythign I needed to feel like life was worth it. I felt so humble, and safe, and warm, and loved. I felt like I had something real. I guess the only real thing out of this was the thoughts I had about love before.
I give up on this thing we all crave to have. I give up trying to believe love will keep me safe and warm and protect me from the dark. I give up trying to feel loved and cared about. I tried that, I tried to believe everything was good in love. Now my heart is on the floor, with nothing left inside but a black hole.
It's my fault, I should have seen the signs. Her telling me not to rely on her, telling me she was staying with me for now. The signs smacked me in the face, but love had me blind to it's oncoming torture. So now I suffer under the blades of her lies and words, seeing every contradiction I should have taken into consideration. I had blind faith, and I walked off a cliff thinking she was there to catch me. Her arms never were there when I came to the ground. The ground came at me faster, and she stepped back, eyes closed and hands folded across her chest. When I hit.... she didn't care. Maybe she does, but I don't believe she can if she could lead me on like this. I don't know wether to blow the world off, or cry and never stop, I want to beat something, and make it feel what I'm feeling. I want to rip my own heart apart so that it never misleads me again. I am foolish, a hopeless romantic who was just trying to feel alive for once in my life. But death is my home, my comfort, and my way of life. I'm dead now, inside there's no hope. I have lost hope in the things I thought I could believe in. I took a chance when everything seemed black, and horrid and I was fed up with love. She gave me a fighting chance to rip it away, and leave me with even less strength than when we started. I'm not strong anymore, I don't think I ever was. I always relied on a knife to keep me sain, and now I'm not sure that will even work.
I'm so fucked up in the head from this, I don't know what I believe. I don't know if love is what I thought. I used to think love was something that could prevail through all the darkness and hold me up from the pain I seemed to be drowning in. I thought that love was all I needed to be alive. It made me feel alive! I felt like I had something real for once! Finally, after all these years of hating love, and falling and never getting back up, I was standing, and smiling, and appreciating life. I gave it my all.... I gave this all I had, and then some. I gave trust, I gave love, I gave hope. I gave everythign I could, and now it's been thrown back in my face with a hearty laugh and snicker to cut away my pride. I have nothing left but the thoughts of what I had, and what I have lost. I lost her. And she..... she meant so much, and gave me everythign I needed to feel like life was worth it. I felt so humble, and safe, and warm, and loved. I felt like I had something real. I guess the only real thing out of this was the thoughts I had about love before.
I give up on this thing we all crave to have. I give up trying to believe love will keep me safe and warm and protect me from the dark. I give up trying to feel loved and cared about. I tried that, I tried to believe everything was good in love. Now my heart is on the floor, with nothing left inside but a black hole.