some things, not very often, make me laugh a good deal.
SAVING PRIVATE RYAN: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT™
By Rod Hilton
FADE IN:
EXT. A GRAVEYARD - DAY
An OLD MAN stands in front a grave, among the hundreds of
them in the graveyard. He begins crying in a moment sure to
manipulate the audience into crying.
EXT. BEACH - DAY
Hundreds upon hundreds of SOLDIERS storm onto the beach.
Evil GERMANS are waiting, shooting at them all. All of them
DIE. The few who don't die happen to be TOM HANKS and his
MISFIT CREW of soldiers who will help him.
TOM HANKS
There goes half of the extras.
Bombs and explosives are going off, and limbs are flying
across the screen.
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
War is hell.
SENILE WAR VETERANS IN AUDIENCE
Wow. This is realistic.
(crying)
I remember this so well. All of
that mayhem..
GEN-X MEMBERS OF AUDIENCE
I thought this movie was supposed
to be really violent.
INT. SOME OFFICE - DAY
GENERAL
We need to save Private Ryan.
EXT. FIELDS - DAY
TOM HANKS and his CREW have been assigned to saving Private
Ryan. They walk through a field. Suddenly, EVIL GERMANS
ambush them.
EVIL GERMANS
Har har! We are Germans and we are
faceless and extremely evil
villains! Just like in Schindler's
List and Indiana Jones.
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
I do NOT have issues, damn it.
A battle ensues, in which limbs fly across the screen and
blood covers every peice of matter available. All of the
EVIL GERMANS die, and one member of HANK'S CREW dies. He is
the character played by the least famous actor in the crew.
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
War is hell.
EXT. SOMEWHERE ELSE - DAY
The above scene repeats itself in various locations until
only a few members of the CREW remain or until FAKE BLOOD
gets a new tax placed on it.
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
War is hell!
EXT. A BRIDGE - DAY
TOM HANKS
We are looking for Private Ryan.
MATT DAMON
I am him.
TOM HANKS
Your brothers are dead. You can go
home.
MATT DAMON
Despite being totally crushed by
the deaths of three of my family
members, I will stay here and fight
this battle, as I owe it to my
country.
(looking at camera)
I am an American. And I OWE THIS
TO MY COUNTRY!
TOM HANKS
Then I shall help you fight.
TOM HANKS and what's left of his CREW plus DAMON and the
crew he is with all fight more EVIL GERMANS, who are more
heavily armed. Everyone is KILLED, except for MATT DAMON.
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
War is hell.
EXT. GRAVEYARD - DAY
OLD MAN, who, by process of elimination, is MATT DAMON,
begins crying some more.
OLD MAN
(looking at camera)
I hope I have been a good man.
For, you see, all of those people
died to protect me.
(looking directly at you)
PEOPLE WENT TO WAR AND DIED TO
PROTECT ME AND MY FREEDOM!
DIRECTOR STEVEN SPIELBERG
In case you stupider audience
members don't get it, a lot of
people died for your freedom, and
this is what they had to go through,
and you REALLY owe them.
The OLD MAN salutes the grave. It is very SURPRISING and
NOT CLICHE. Another LIMB flies across the screen.
END
Copyright 2004 Rod Hilton. All Rights Reserved. This document may be reproduced verbatim (allowing censorship and translation) as long as the author's name is preserved and this notice is either preserved or referenced.