I suppose I got the closure I was asking for?
Alright, so I'm learning to accept that my little summer romance fling was just that and it will never be anything else. *sigh* I guess in a way I just took it a little hard because he was the first guy I really kind of opened up to since I was 15, so it was almost like it was the first time all over again, you know? The first little romance all cute and shit. ANYWAYS. It's not. It's over. I'm dealing.
Like Steph said, it's hard to get used to losing attention. For a few weeks I really felt special and then it was all gone and I just don't have the best coping skills with that because it doesn't happen to me that much. I'm very picky who I choose to let into my life and so when I lose them it's like, "ouch...pain in the heart.."
But it's ok, I feel like I got the closure I was looking for. I mean, maybe I'm being harsh, but I guess I feel like if you really liked someone you'd make time for them. I know even when I've been really busy I've made time when people needed me. Even if it's just an hour or something. Just to be with them so they know I care. I mean the last time I saw him I just wanted to hug him but the look in his eyes just burned something else. I know that sounds cheesy, but it just wasn't the warm friendly eyes I used to know. Then I didn't even want to look at him and I ended up probably looking cold and distant, but that's how I felt. Like I didn't belong anywhere near him anymore. It's ok. I'm over it. Maybe someday we'll be friends again and hang out like we used to before I had to go and get attached to him.
I mean I guess developing more than friendly feelings for him had "This is a very bad idea" written all over it from the get go, so I shouldn't be surprised that it didn't work out. haha. My barriers about getting involved with a guy as more than a friend got broken down, but it's being built back up. I do so well when there is no drama in my life! haha! :-)
So my buddy rick is sending me depressing music to make me feel better and it's kind of working. HAHA. Thanks Buddy! :-P
I spent a lot of this weekend watching old home movies because I just felt like it. Then I wished that I could just go back to the time in my life when I was a little kid and had nothing to do but go to some school and play on the playground. I don't like being 19 and faced with this impending doom also known as a possible graduation.
I talked to someone this weekend that I haven't seen in forever but I needed to and he told me that I shouldn't even try to prolong my bachelors past this next summer. Everything he said just made so much sense. What am I trying to do? I already messed up my "college experience" so what do I think I'm going to accomplish by extending it for another year and living on campus? You know? It's like I'm dragging out the inevitable of applying to more schools and moving again. All I ever wanted was to actually RETURN to a school after a year. I just feel so confused with everything. I don't want to hold my masters and have a REAL job when I'm barely 21. Some job I'll have to carry until I'm 65. But I don't know what I think I'm doing by dragging it out though. Who would actually want to DRAG OUT school?
Anyways, let's not focus on the confusing anymore. haha
I bought the new Senses Fail cd and the new Head Automatica cd. I haven't really listened to the senses fail one because the head automatica one hasn't left my car stereo all weekend. I <3 it.
I put the rings back in my industrial holes. They have little purple balls in them instead of blue. Very pretty. The bar was just getting very irritated since I got that other ring and have had to sleep on it. Tony hasn't been there the past 2 times I've been. :-( The other peircer (Mitch) has been taking care of me, which is fine. I mean he's nice and stuff, but I want Tony.
I'm listening to Justin Timberlake right now. What is wrong with me? I'm losing it.
Oh, now onto Gareth Gates. "IT COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE OF US!"
Tomorrow I start to change my body. Running, weights, etc. Anything to take stress out of my mind and fix my horrid excuse of a body. Yeah. Shut up. It's not good enough to me and I'm the one that has to look in the mirror and dress it every morning.
I bought 3 pairs of pants from Victorias secret over the weekend. I'm obsessed with thier pants. They are so comfortable. If they didn't look weird, I'd wear them to class. haha.
My top navel ring is going to fall out any day now. *tears* I should just take it out and be done with it and stop hoping it will go back to where it was 18 months ago. haha. That will leave me with just one sad navel ring. :-(
I'm becoming a pyromaniac.
Goodnight.
Like Steph said, it's hard to get used to losing attention. For a few weeks I really felt special and then it was all gone and I just don't have the best coping skills with that because it doesn't happen to me that much. I'm very picky who I choose to let into my life and so when I lose them it's like, "ouch...pain in the heart.."
But it's ok, I feel like I got the closure I was looking for. I mean, maybe I'm being harsh, but I guess I feel like if you really liked someone you'd make time for them. I know even when I've been really busy I've made time when people needed me. Even if it's just an hour or something. Just to be with them so they know I care. I mean the last time I saw him I just wanted to hug him but the look in his eyes just burned something else. I know that sounds cheesy, but it just wasn't the warm friendly eyes I used to know. Then I didn't even want to look at him and I ended up probably looking cold and distant, but that's how I felt. Like I didn't belong anywhere near him anymore. It's ok. I'm over it. Maybe someday we'll be friends again and hang out like we used to before I had to go and get attached to him.
I mean I guess developing more than friendly feelings for him had "This is a very bad idea" written all over it from the get go, so I shouldn't be surprised that it didn't work out. haha. My barriers about getting involved with a guy as more than a friend got broken down, but it's being built back up. I do so well when there is no drama in my life! haha! :-)
So my buddy rick is sending me depressing music to make me feel better and it's kind of working. HAHA. Thanks Buddy! :-P
I spent a lot of this weekend watching old home movies because I just felt like it. Then I wished that I could just go back to the time in my life when I was a little kid and had nothing to do but go to some school and play on the playground. I don't like being 19 and faced with this impending doom also known as a possible graduation.
I talked to someone this weekend that I haven't seen in forever but I needed to and he told me that I shouldn't even try to prolong my bachelors past this next summer. Everything he said just made so much sense. What am I trying to do? I already messed up my "college experience" so what do I think I'm going to accomplish by extending it for another year and living on campus? You know? It's like I'm dragging out the inevitable of applying to more schools and moving again. All I ever wanted was to actually RETURN to a school after a year. I just feel so confused with everything. I don't want to hold my masters and have a REAL job when I'm barely 21. Some job I'll have to carry until I'm 65. But I don't know what I think I'm doing by dragging it out though. Who would actually want to DRAG OUT school?
Anyways, let's not focus on the confusing anymore. haha
I bought the new Senses Fail cd and the new Head Automatica cd. I haven't really listened to the senses fail one because the head automatica one hasn't left my car stereo all weekend. I <3 it.
I put the rings back in my industrial holes. They have little purple balls in them instead of blue. Very pretty. The bar was just getting very irritated since I got that other ring and have had to sleep on it. Tony hasn't been there the past 2 times I've been. :-( The other peircer (Mitch) has been taking care of me, which is fine. I mean he's nice and stuff, but I want Tony.
I'm listening to Justin Timberlake right now. What is wrong with me? I'm losing it.
Oh, now onto Gareth Gates. "IT COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE OF US!"
Tomorrow I start to change my body. Running, weights, etc. Anything to take stress out of my mind and fix my horrid excuse of a body. Yeah. Shut up. It's not good enough to me and I'm the one that has to look in the mirror and dress it every morning.
I bought 3 pairs of pants from Victorias secret over the weekend. I'm obsessed with thier pants. They are so comfortable. If they didn't look weird, I'd wear them to class. haha.
My top navel ring is going to fall out any day now. *tears* I should just take it out and be done with it and stop hoping it will go back to where it was 18 months ago. haha. That will leave me with just one sad navel ring. :-(
I'm becoming a pyromaniac.
Goodnight.